Being suicidal is lonely and isolating

[brainpain2]

Hey, I've been on this forum for awhile (I lost my original account, Brainpain due to forgetting my login details). I feel posting on here is my only safe space to even mention CTB as a legitimate option in life. If I spoke of my plans IRL I would be thrown in a psych ward on suicide watch (but not actually "helped" in any way) or even worse.

I understand there is a discord. I don't have the details but would be willing to chat there if the general chat was amongst fairly mature people (although I have the capacity to to be silly and immature myself at times!)

Does anyone else feel very isolated and lonely? Were you able to make any friends online or in real life that you can talk to honestly? No even about CTBing all the time, but just vent or support and not judge over having a pro-choice stance or suicidal thoughts/plans.

 

[mediocre]

yes I am very socially isolated I live on my own and can go days sometimes weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. Mostly I only have contact with one person irl. I have been able to connect with some people here on SS everyone is so open and kind.

I can vent on here about my physical ailments and everybody understand because a lot of them are going through the same thing. Nobody judges.

 

[Flume]

All of use here are lonely For myself I can say that I have a really hard time talking to anyone online or face to face. I can do it... and I'm not really that shy. But I just keep getting turned down over and over again. It feels like my core self is not good enough, feels like I have to be reborn just to talk to anyone at all.

 

[SinisterKid]

Is there a site Discord?
Yes. You can PM a moderator to get an invite to our Discord. You need to be a member of the forums for at least a week, and you need to be active to be eligible for an invite.

 

[Despondent]

I agree about not being able to talk about these things irl, myself. I know that if I were to ever mention ctb ing, I would be put into a psych ward also. I'm too embarassed to even say anything because there's stigma and everyone would think I'm "crazy".. but I'm not. They don't understand.
I'm just curious, does anyone know what it's like to be in a psych ward? What do they do when they put you under suicide watch and how long for? Do they evaluate you?
Thanks in advance.

 

[134340]

I agree about not being able to talk about these things irl, myself. I know that if I were to ever mention ctb ing, I would be put into a psych ward also. I'm too embarassed to even say anything because there's stigma and everyone would think I'm "crazy".. but I'm not. They don't understand.
I'm just curious, does anyone know what it's like to be in a psych ward? What do they do when they put you under suicide watch and how long for? Do they evaluate you?
Thanks in advance.

I've been hospitalized 6 times, each time for an attempt. Being on suicide watch means having a "sitter" (someone who sits with you 24/7) while you're in the medical hospital after an attempt and then being on "line of sight" in the psych ward. This means that you have to keep the door cracked when you use the bathroom and especially when you shower, you don't get to leave the ward for food or other therapies, if they seem it necessary then you'll be one on one with a staff member and you can't really leave their side. It keeps you safe, but it's not fun. Also, I was on line of sight until they determined that I didn't need to be anymore (sometimes that was a day or two, sometimes several weeks). As for whether or not I was evaluated, do you mean before I was admitted or during the admission? I'm sorry that part isn't clear to me.

 

[brainpain2]

I agree about not being able to talk about these things irl, myself. I know that if I were to ever mention ctb ing, I would be put into a psych ward also. I'm too embarassed to even say anything because there's stigma and everyone would think I'm "crazy".. but I'm not. They don't understand.
I'm just curious, does anyone know what it's like to be in a psych ward? What do they do when they put you under suicide watch and how long for? Do they evaluate you?
Thanks in advance.

Yes I told the wrong crisis counsellor during a bout of extreme insomnia that I had suicidal thoughts but no plan due to having chronic pain. Well apparently having chronic pain immediately put me at risk for suicide despite legitimately having zero intent or plan at the time. I was taken to the psych ward for a forced "voluntary" evaluation which was nothing more than suicide watch over a weekend until a psychiatrist came on duty on the Monday and I was able to get him to believe me that I wasn't suicidal and I agreed to take a prescription for antidepressants (which I can't even fucking take because i have bipolar disorder which is triggered by antidepressants). I saw my regular psychiatrist after that who told me she wasn't even consulted and that I should never talk to that agency again or anyone that I don't know well enough because they panic and don't read between the lines and are idiots and thank god I didn't take that prescription

Edit : the whole experience humiliated me and actually made me legit suicidal

 

[134340]

In regards to the original post, I agree that it's very isolating. Nobody understands what I'm thinking, everyone just goes into panic mode regarding suicide, so I have to stay quiet and keep it all in my head. (and on this site, of course )

 

[Despondent]

I've been hospitalized 6 times, each time for an attempt. Being on suicide watch means having a "sitter" (someone who sits with you 24/7) while you're in the medical hospital after an attempt and then being on "line of sight" in the psych ward. This means that you have to keep the door cracked when you use the bathroom and especially when you shower, you don't get to leave the ward for food or other therapies, if they seem it necessary then you'll be one on one with a staff member and you can't really leave their side. It keeps you safe, but it's not fun. Also, I was on line of sight until they determined that I didn't need to be anymore (sometimes that was a day or two, sometimes several weeks). As for whether or not I was evaluated, do you mean before I was admitted or during the admission? I'm sorry that part isn't clear to me.

I was wondering if they evaluate during the admission in the psych ward

 

[134340]

I was wondering if they evaluate during the admission in the psych ward

They did at the places I went to, it was sometimes a few days to a week before I was seen by a psychiatrist because there are only one or two of them for everyone (again, just my experience), and everyone has to be seen. And because psychiatrists don't usually work weekends lmao.

 

[brainpain2]

They did at the places I went to, it was sometimes a few days to a week before I was seen by a psychiatrist because there are only one or two of them for everyone (again, just my experience), and everyone has to be seen. And because psychiatrists don't usually work weekends lmao.

I wasn't even evaluated because there was no psychiatrist. I was just dropped off and shown my room and checked on every 15 minutes. I got zero sleep while I was there for the 3 days and was in horrific pain from not having my comforts of home, an uncomfortable bed and Plastic chairs. I was also denied some of my prescriptions. All to be told I guess you're not suicidal but they had to be sure since you had feelings and have chronic pain which is an immediate red flag. Even though I had my husband with me at home who agreed I was safe and promised to stay with me. Fuck them all. No wonder people don't "go get help".

 

[FullyUnplugged]

I feel less lonely when isolating for some reason. I think being reminded how different we think makes me more lonely. The small talk , the difference of opinions and seeing them work the 9-5 for pennies really makes me feel lonely. I just want to see everyone around me elevate their lives and thinking, knowing it will never happen makes me feel isolated.

 

[Mr2005]

Being on my own is the only time I'm not suicidal. Means I can do what I want and not have to be subjected to things I find triggering. It's no way to live but it's how I survive. Existing in my bubble. It's my own fault for creating my own hell and reminders are everywhere. It's almost impossible to avoid whether I go outside or switch the tv on

 

[Moonicide]

It is absolutely lonely and isolating being this way. This forum is the only thing that keeps me from feeling so alone in all of this... Lately it's been getting worse for me as all I do is think about death these days. All my friends and connections are online as I do not leave the house unless it's for my appointments. I made a few on here too, one recently ctbed so I'm learning to cope with that as well.