Being suicidal is fighting a monster within and I cant fight it anymore

[FireFox]

I have been suicidal since the age of 21 and I have fought so hard to improve my life and to really enjoy life. My mid20s has been spent travelling and I have had so many wonderful experiences of my travels. I have experienced most things people will never get to see.

My suicidal thoughts did stop once my life was getting better unfortunately they came back this year as 2023 has been the wost year ever. Being suicidal is having a live in monster in your head that keeps bullying you and wants to take everything you have. The monster preys upon the vulnerable and feeds off my weaknesses.I have a massive hole in my heart. The years of rejection from my selfish family relatives, a mother who never listens and always helping these selfish free loading relatives and forces me to interact with them, heartbroken and betrayed by a man I am so deeply in love with, struggling to fit in and constant feelings of failure. All those things the monster feeds off.

I tried to fight the monster within but now it has gotten strong to a point I can't fight it anymore. I am walking wounded and there is no one to save me nor cares enough to save me. My family treat me being a depressed as an inconvenience to their lives especially my mother and grandmother, I have worst relatives ever, no friends and am just alone in this world.

 

[borntosuffer]

ctb is a testament that one has died fighting

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful what you are going through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence and it's just so awful how other people very often make existing even worse. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Green_leaf]

ctb is a testament that one has died fighting

Beautiful

 

[FireFox]

ctb is a testament that one has died fighting

@Schlamalamadingdong Depression or mental illness in general is a war. It's either you win or die tying

People judge that person who killed themselves but nobody saw their determination to live and their fight to make thier lives better. I have fought so hard I know I have. All my life I have been a fighter. When arseholes were bullying me at school I fought back and never hid. At work when I was having problems I still kept fighting with determination to overcome my work problems but now this year has broken me. I can't enjoy anything good without it being taken away. My family can't understand nor don't care why I am upset instead they are treating me like an inconvenience but they have all the time in the world for the relatives bullshit and be helping them.

The realisation I have the worst relatives in the world is actually overwhelming. Growing up I was not allowed to express feelings of sadness or anger and told to pray about my problems and how its "Gods plan" that he gave us these piece of shit relatives and I should be "grateful"

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through. Have you ever thought about breaking ties with your family and moving away to start again? It helped me initially to do that. Some people in this world you won't change. Sometimes it seems better to simply have less to do with them. It's sad but unfortunately, it's just how it is- that some of us are cursed with toxic families.

It's interesting that you experience your ideation and thoughts as monstrous and something to fight. I guess I've always experienced mine as clarity I suppose. From a purely personal perspective- what I felt was in my best interests- they always seemed the ideal option. It's only when it comes to physically doing it and the impact it might have on others that it becomes complicated.