Venting being suicidal feels so selfish especially because my life is objectively great

[socrates.]

title. objectively i am young, i live in a great neighborhood, i am about to graduate from one of the best high schools in the region, i get straight A's and so many people love me. it would be so selfish to kill myself, especially when so many others are going through so many worse things and they still survive.

i want to want to live but i really just can't. my life is objectively really good so why do i consistently think about ending it. the thing is, i know im never going to do it either so can i even call myself suicidal? is this all for attention? am i suicidal becuase i want to be? do i even want to be?

i'm running out of people to confide in and i don't what to go back to the same ones because i really just use the same problems over and over and i feel bad that anyone should have to listen to me when my problems are so minimal.

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

No one needs a reason to want to live or die, so don't feel guilty

 

[Maormer]

title. objectively i am young, i live in a great neighborhood, i am about to graduate from one of the best high schools in the region, i get straight A's and so many people love me. it would be so selfish to kill myself, especially when so many others are going through so many worse things and they still survive.

i want to want to live but i really just can't. my life is objectively really good so why do i consistently think about ending it. the thing is, i know im never going to do it either so can i even call myself suicidal? is this all for attention? am i suicidal becuase i want to be? do i even want to be?

i'm running out of people to confide in and i don't what to go back to the same ones because i really just use the same problems over and over and i feel bad that anyone should have to listen to me when my problems are so minimal.

I felt this way when i was in highschool too. My life on paper was good, my family loved me, i did well in school, i had friends, my family was solidly middle class and did ok for themselves. By all means i should have been happy, but despite that I still tried to kill myself. Youre not alone in experiencing this. Realistically the reason youre here is because your life isnt objectively great, there is an underlying issue. It could be something external (but im taking you at your word that your external life is good and that youve made an objective assessment of your situation) but its more likely there is an internal issue. Mental illness isnt a rational thing all the time. sometimes you just are dealt a shitty hand and end up with mental illnesses for no real discernable reason. Sometimes everything can go right and you still end up with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, DID, etc. I think you probably got dealt a bad hand mentally, but that doesnt mean its hopeless, you can get better with help.

The other thing i really need to stress is that you may not think youd ever attempt but if you want to want to live and you want to get better you cannot let that fester. I was in your situation for a while when i was your age. I didn't think id ever actually do it, but when you suffer for long enough, the idea becomes more and more real until next thing you know you wake up in a hospital. Im back on this website today because I now have things making my life not great these days, and honestly my failed attempt as a teen is one of the larger factors. Attempting can seriously fuck up your life and traumatize you, i can still feel in vivid detail the rope around my neck whenever i get stressed. Do not assume that things will not escalate if untreated. Not to say that it is inevitable the same thing would happen to you, far from it, but it is a risk that i would have wished i was more aware of at your age.

I dont say this to scare you, but ive been in those shoes and id hate to see another young person go through what i went through. On a site like this i normally wouldn't say these things at all because most people here have made up there mind or feel there is a strong possibility they will attempt, and it is not my place to tell them they are making a mistake or that they should continue to suffer, the choice they make is their own. But for you, since you said you do want to want to live and seem to in your corenot be ready to/desire to die (even if its a step removed) I felt it was important to say. Whatever you do i hope that you find peace but if you do not think you truly want to die id strongly encourage you to intervene now rather than wait for things to get worse. Your problems are not minimal, theyre real, and it sounds like you have people who love you. That kinda of support network exists for times like these, dont let yourself feel like a burden.

 

[rs929]

I think there is objectively a lot of hope for you. You're young and you say many people love you. There are lots of things you haven't tried yet.
I don't know you but I feel confident that if you find the right therapist, you'll get to the core of your lack of willingness to live, and turn it around to live a pretty good life.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

An argument can be made for suicide being putting yourself far before others, depending on circumstances--but "feeling suicidal"? First of all, I'd say we can't actually "feel suicidal"; we feel some form of emotional pain and then (but very quickly and automatically) interpret it as unacceptable and that we need to escape it (and the only way we see out of it is death). Simply feeling something is not selfish! And even if it were, there's no use in dwelling on the "selfishness" and making ourselves feel even worse (which would be more selfish, then).

Around ten years ago or so, when I started being passively suicidal, I was also in an "objectively good" spot. In my opinion, not actually good enough, since I believe people (*without much meditation training*/etc)--generally speaking (outliers should exist)--need romantic partners (or at least good friends + percieved opportunity for reproduction/"simulated reproduction" later on) for life not to suck.

Anyway, when it first started I actually didn't connect the pain with not having a gf, which I later did and it became this huge thing for me. Nowadays I don't know if that connection is correct/partially correct or not. Partially, I think so (as in I think it would at least be a temporary painkiller). Anyway, that leaves the question of where these feelings come from when we don't know why we feel bad. An answer could be to flesh out what I wrote about romance (survive *and* reproduce) to include that we're adapted to live in a tribe and be hunter-gathering or whatever. That this modern existence often doesn't include enough primitive stuff (maybe why people do the clubbing/sportsball/short-sighted relationships/social status games/etc, trying to simulate some version of natural environments). Not sure if you're also on the spectrum, but I think we autists run an extra risk of not getting involved in simulating natural environments; since they don't make immediate sense in the structure we're grown up in/goals we have and are done on instinct/emotion rather than as a thought-out attempt at being socio-biologically satisficing. (As far as I can tell).

Anyway, as a last note I'd like to say that I'm (so far) glad I didn't die when I was your age and that *even if nothing in your life changes* (including the painful feelings, I still have the same chronic stuff as 10 years back) you can start wanting to live and be grateful to be alive at some point (my guess is around a year of a small-to-modest daily meditation practice, I have a thread about it in the signature [ballpark timeframe]).

 

[pauly369]

Ive been clinically depressed and suicidal for the vast majority of my life.
Ive had a few times in life when I should have been happy, for example a well-paid job, and a partner who loved me.
Yet the crushing despair inside of never went away.
Its not your fault - we cant help the way we feel.