Venting Being socially awkward

[mrpeter]

I hate being socially awkward. I have autism and grew up home schooled, so I'm basically socially inexperienced. I talk like a retard, and I get nervous talking to people. I hate having to make eye contact with people, but then trying not to look for too long, because I'm scared that they will think I'm staring at them (which has happened and is really embarrassing).

I hate when someone is walking past me. I try to look at my phone every time someone walks past me to avoid eye contact. I also find it annoying when I'm looking at something, and someone is right in front of me then I have to look at them, and have no choice to look away. I also don't want people to know I'm trying to avoid eye contact with them. I'm scared if I look at someone, they will think I am a creep, but if they notice me looking away they might think I'm weird .

I hate not being able to talk to people like a normal human being. I hate having autism, but God made me autistic, because he enjoys watching me suffer.
Sometimes I shake, its so embarrassing and I hope no one notices it. I also stutter sometimes when I talk, probably should talk speech therapy.

 

[CatLove56]

Yeah someone like me craves intimacy and connections with people but then runs away from people when they actually offer it lmao it's like what the fuck is the point in having these dumbass emotions that we have. If there's a God he's a sadistic son of a bitch and if there is no God or mass creator then we just got incredibly unlucky. Arguably the same thing.

I don't even know what to say I just relate to your post so hard. Not even sure if I'm autistic

 

[mrpeter]

Yeah someone like me craves intimacy and connections with people but then runs away from people when they actually offer it lmao it's like what the fuck is the point in having these dumbass emotions that we have. If there's a God he's a sadistic son of a bitch and if there is no God or mass creator then we just got incredibly unlucky. Arguably the same thing.

I don't even know what to say I just relate to your post so hard. Not even sure if I'm autistic

Spent most of my life alone. Only people I talk to are family. I have friends on Discord, but I only talk to a few friends and I barley talk to them anymore.
Talking to people on the internet is way easier than online I don't have as much social anxiety. Talking through text is way easier. since I don't have to be scared of sounding like a retard, even on Discord vc I feel anxious speaking.

I wish I could have close friends that I talk to daily. I hate being alone the whole day on my computer, scrolling through social media for hours hours, looking for dopamine, because of how bored I am. I am rarely entertained by anything anymore, I used to talk to my Discord friends a lot more, back when I had a server. which got nuked. This was back in (2019-2020) (I owned/modded) several servers after, they all got nuked/deleted or died.

I used to be on friend making apps like Bumble Bff and Yubo when I was 17. They all sucked ass, my conversations were drier than a desert, they all died immediately. On one app someone asked me "Do you like diapers?" and I didn't respond and unmatched them, perhaps if I responded yes, I could have made a very close friend.

 

[CatLove56]

Spent most of my life alone. Only people I talk to are family. I have friends on Discord, but I only talk to a few friends and I barley talk to them anymore.
Talking to people on the internet is way easier than online I don't have as much social anxiety. Talking through text is way easier. since I don't have to be scared of sounding like a retard, even on Discord vc I feel anxious speaking.

I wish I could have close friends that I talk to daily. I hate being alone the whole day on my computer, scrolling through social media for hours hours, looking for dopamine, because of how bored I am. I am rarely entertained by anything anymore, I used to talk to my Discord friends a lot more, back when I had a server. which got nuked. This was back in (2019-2020) (I owned/modded) several servers after, they all got nuked/deleted or died.

I used to be on friend making apps like Bumble Bff and Yubo when I was 17. They all sucked ass, my conversations were drier than a desert, they all died immediately. On one app someone asked me "Do you like diapers?" and I didn't respond and unmatched them, perhaps if I responded yes, I could have made a very close friend.

Yeah I've been trying all the dating apps and friendship apps and hook up apps whatever it is just trying to find some kind of meaningful connection but either nobody's interested or they're just plain stupid. Nobody gives a f*** about anybody's profile or anybody's feelings they all want something out of you a few people that actually talk to me. Yeah I get weird stuff like that and I actually respond to those people and then they ghost me so yeah not even the weirdos want me lmao

 

[mrpeter]

Yeah I've been trying all the dating apps and friendship apps and hook up apps whatever it is just trying to find some kind of meaningful connection but either nobody's interested or they're just plain stupid. Nobody gives a f*** about anybody's profile or anybody's feelings they all want something out of you a few people that actually talk to me. Yeah I get weird stuff like that and I actually respond to those people and then they ghost me so yeah not even the weirdos want me lmao

Maybe if you carfished as a hot girl you would get more attention. Dating apps are even worse, they are literally just sex bots and catfishes. who want you to pay for their Onlyfans. I even met one profile who was like a crypto trader.

 

[CatLove56]

Maybe if you carfished as a hot girl you would get more attention. Dating apps are even worse, they are literally just sex bots and catfishes. who want you to pay for their Onlyfans. I even met one profile who was like a crypto trader.

Yeah right before some idiot decided to waste my time I thought about doing exactly that. Using handsome or beautiful profiles and then just turning people down left and right just to have some kind of pathetic ego boost. That stupid ghosting thing that people do has also gotten so old

 

[mrpeter]

Yeah right before some idiot decided to waste my time I thought about doing exactly that. Using handsome or beautiful profiles and then just turning people down left and right just to have some kind of pathetic ego boost. That stupid ghosting thing that people do has also gotten so old

One time I made a profile on Tinder of a hot girl. Within like less than 5 minutes. I got shadowbanned, probably because I used a vpn(I didn't want to use my real ip in case I got banned).

Ngl this is cruel, but it would be funny to pretend to be a hot girl and reject men cruelly.

 

[FlufflesAway]

Yea, I was homeschooled too. I don't think I have autism, but the severe isolation makes you behave autistic anyway I guess. Didn't help that my mother tried to arrange play-dates (?) with other homeschooled children, who actually had behavioral issues. Thus why they were being homeschooled. We were being homeschooled because our parents were religious idiots who wanted their own cult.

Used to escape into online games when we finally got computers and the internet. Could never bring myself to vc though. Hated my voice and stutter.

Homeschooling should be illegal. It's abuse. People more... dedicated to abusing their children are probably more prone to want to 'homeschool' them. I just can't...

 

[alienfreak]

Homeschooling should be illegal. It's abuse. People more... dedicated to abusing their children are probably more prone to want to 'homeschool' them. I just can't...

Interesting to read this for me, because i was not homeschooled and i perceived public school to be like a concentration camp designed to mutilate my mind. I only came out of it with trauma and the sense that i gained social damage from only ever socialising in an unhealthy, fake, structured, prison-like environment, forced to be around people that I did not get along with.

Maybe you would have been ok if you were not homeschooled, or were homeschooled differently. Maybe i would be ok if i were homeschooled by good parents. Or maybe we were doomed anyway. I don't think anything is clear and our outcomes are chaotically dependent on random things that happened to us.

Could never bring myself to vc though. Hated my voice and stutter.

Same, when i was a teenager a few times i pretended my microphone was broken. I used to think i would just get over it but i never did, now im in my 30s and still avoid phone-calls at any cost. I also don't think i have autism but something socially is really wrong wtih me.

Sometimes I shake, its so embarrassing and I hope no one notices it. I also stutter sometimes when I talk, probably should talk speech therapy.

That's a problem for me too, i find beta blockers help a bit to stop the shaking

 

[alce]

I relate totally with you, i've never been diagnosed with autism but i relate with the symptons, i had the luck of have some friends in school, which are my best friends til today, but they moved on their lives, married, had children, and i'm stuck at the same, just cant make new friends, cant hold a normal conversation, barely have a love life. I read once that sociability is a hability and you have to train it, but is so godamn hard, when i try to talk to someone my mind just went blank and i dont know how to continue, i just make small talk about footbal, the weather or some recent event, but just cant make the conversation any longer, it seems that people realizes really fast that i'm just a uninteresting person.

 

[mrpeter]

Used to escape into online games when we finally got computers and the internet. Could never bring myself to vc though. Hated my voice and stutter.

i used to be way more shy in vc it becomes less scary the more you do it

I relate totally with you, i've never been diagnosed with autism but i relate with the symptons, i had the luck of have some friends in school, which are my best friends til today, but they moved on their lives, married, had children, and i'm stuck at the same, just cant make new friends, cant hold a normal conversation, barely have a love life. I read once that sociability is a hability and you have to train it, but is so godamn hard, when i try to talk to someone my mind just went blank and i dont know how to continue, i just make small talk about footbal, the weather or some recent event, but just cant make the conversation any longer, it seems that people realizes really fast that i'm just a uninteresting person.

Every conversation I have with people is the most boring shit ever about what video games I play

Yea, I was homeschooled too. I don't think I have autism, but the severe isolation makes you behave autistic anyway I guess. Didn't help that my mother tried to arrange play-dates (?) with other homeschooled children, who actually had behavioral issues. Thus why they were being homeschooled. We were being homeschooled because our parents were religious idiots who wanted their own cult.

Used to escape into online games when we finally got computers and the internet. Could never bring myself to vc though. Hated my voice and stutter.

Homeschooling should be illegal. It's abuse. People more... dedicated to abusing their children are probably more prone to want to 'homeschool' them. I just can't...

2023-2024 I actually went to public school for 11th and 12 grade. I was still socially awkward but had friends not close friends though.

I actually started to hate going to public school, none of my classes were even hard they were just incredibly boring, and I hated having to wake up at 9am, because I was so socially awkward I would spend the entire lunch class looking at my phone while I wait for class to end.

because I was homeschooled they only gave me like 3 classes and I didn't get my diploma.

It's like even when I'm around people, I either don't feel like talking to people or to shy.