annasplight
endless grief
- Aug 6, 2024
- 39
hi. to those who know me from previous posts, you'll know that my life has recently just been on the downhill. i guess today i'm stuck in my thoughts about how an ex friend told me to 'kill myself' so I don't hurt anyone else.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I know i'm not perfect, but i am an entire being. I try my best to protect those I love, even if what I did recently was the wrong thing.
I've recently dabbled in manifestation and such, I thought it would make me feel better, but right now i'm at work, hiding my phone while I write about how much I truly want to fucking kill myself. It seems that I always hurt the ones I care about, even if I had the best intentions at heart. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to continue on. I finally got my dream job but i'm still sulking over and over, questioning myself about everything i've ever known.
my old friends said i was an abuser and I truly don't know how to cope with that. i'm analyzing every action i ever took, every word i ever said. I don't know if I was an abuser or if they were trying to get into my head, but now i'm pushing away what remaining friends I have. i'm so so terrified of being an abuser.
i don't want to end up like my mom. staying in the same state forever, complaining about how toxic her family is yet she still puts herself around them.
i don't want to be stuck with no friends, but what if everything they said about me is true? Maybe I shouldn't have friends if I truly am an abuser.
I don't want to sound like a fucking crybaby, but my entire life i've been bullied, abused emotionally, sexually, and physically. there's never been any light except for once, and it got fucking snatched from me. I don't want to continue living a life like this. I don't know what i've done wrong in my past life but please tell me ive paid my karmic debt. i want to be happy for once.
this post is all over the place, but i just wanted to give insight to who i am I guess.
I live in the midwest and in an area where not too many people dress the way I do, but I dress very eccentrically while being slightly physically disabled and I don't know how to stop talking once i've started. Over the past month I have become a shell of myself, I still dress the way I want, but it's hard for me to open up to people. I try my best to shut myself off from people nowadays, but for some fucking reason I still want to help people and I just can't stop. I don't want people to feel the way I do.
I'm not taking care of my health anymore. I don't see a point. I haven't taken my meds for my digestive issues in a month, I hardly take my insulin when I need to, and I don't monitor my sugars anymore. I don't feel worth it.
When my heart rate spikes or my joints sublux, I force myself to stand in the pain and deal with it, it's the only form of 'self harm' I have access to truly because my mom would make me strip to check my body for cuts if she had any suspicion.
i may make another post later, i have to get back to work, but i will say this
i am so fucking tired. maybe he was right about me.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I know i'm not perfect, but i am an entire being. I try my best to protect those I love, even if what I did recently was the wrong thing.
I've recently dabbled in manifestation and such, I thought it would make me feel better, but right now i'm at work, hiding my phone while I write about how much I truly want to fucking kill myself. It seems that I always hurt the ones I care about, even if I had the best intentions at heart. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to continue on. I finally got my dream job but i'm still sulking over and over, questioning myself about everything i've ever known.
my old friends said i was an abuser and I truly don't know how to cope with that. i'm analyzing every action i ever took, every word i ever said. I don't know if I was an abuser or if they were trying to get into my head, but now i'm pushing away what remaining friends I have. i'm so so terrified of being an abuser.
i don't want to end up like my mom. staying in the same state forever, complaining about how toxic her family is yet she still puts herself around them.
i don't want to be stuck with no friends, but what if everything they said about me is true? Maybe I shouldn't have friends if I truly am an abuser.
I don't want to sound like a fucking crybaby, but my entire life i've been bullied, abused emotionally, sexually, and physically. there's never been any light except for once, and it got fucking snatched from me. I don't want to continue living a life like this. I don't know what i've done wrong in my past life but please tell me ive paid my karmic debt. i want to be happy for once.
this post is all over the place, but i just wanted to give insight to who i am I guess.
I live in the midwest and in an area where not too many people dress the way I do, but I dress very eccentrically while being slightly physically disabled and I don't know how to stop talking once i've started. Over the past month I have become a shell of myself, I still dress the way I want, but it's hard for me to open up to people. I try my best to shut myself off from people nowadays, but for some fucking reason I still want to help people and I just can't stop. I don't want people to feel the way I do.
I'm not taking care of my health anymore. I don't see a point. I haven't taken my meds for my digestive issues in a month, I hardly take my insulin when I need to, and I don't monitor my sugars anymore. I don't feel worth it.
When my heart rate spikes or my joints sublux, I force myself to stand in the pain and deal with it, it's the only form of 'self harm' I have access to truly because my mom would make me strip to check my body for cuts if she had any suspicion.
i may make another post later, i have to get back to work, but i will say this
i am so fucking tired. maybe he was right about me.
