I feel the same way... my whole life I have been depressed about the idea that I have to work for a living, and all that entails. Never being able to retire, scraping by paycheck to paycheck... I knew my life would never be close to anything I wanted it to be and I wanted to die.
When I met my husband, that kind of changed. I loved him so much, I just wanted it to work. I just wanted a place to live, and space to enjoy each other's company. For the first time in my life I was motivated to work, maintain long term employment, to do things like improve my credit, and try to acquire nice things, a nice home... I hated it, but I loved my husband.
Now that he is dead, I have no desire to keep doing it just as an end unto itself, to take care of myself, because the alternative is homelessness. I'd rather just be dead. Everything is so much worse now without mine and my husbands combined incomes, I can't afford to even rent an apartment on my own, much less afford all the bills, insurance, food, etc, etc... I can see myself struggling like this for the rest of my life, scraping by paycheck to paycheck, never to retire or own anything.
I am already grieving my husband and want to die just because he isn't around anymore, but apart from that the whole capitalist dystopian nightmare would be enough to make me want to ctb anyway. If I had never met my husband, I probably would have years ago. I'm glad for the time I got with him though, to know what it was to be in love, and to have that, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I wish he was still here, but since he's not, I have no reason or desire to continue on like this.
