Being gay, feeling worthless, maybe donating organs to give life a purpose..

[polishhh25]

Hey, I don't know how many of people here are gay, but just wanted to share smth with you. My relationship of almost 5 years has finished. I felt like this was the only opportunity for me to create a family (I'm not talking about kids, just a family of 2 persons loving each other). In the end it turned out that I was just a "pretty boy" and I turned out to be a useless partner since I suffer from depression.

It doesn't matter with whom I talk to, it seems like they don't understand. They don't understand depression, they don't understand that this second person was my reason to wake up and fight. Since now he is gone I feel that actually it is truth that people would be better without me (He left after my depression came back for the second time and I can imagine that it would be just too much for anybody). I don't want to feel like a burden, like I'm useless.

Suicide sounds scary, but on the other hand it feels so good, like a huge relief to just imagine that I could for example donate my organs for someone, who needs it. To end it for me, but save great people, who are out there, full of energy and are just amazing people.

I have enough of comments "You' re young, handsome, you have a degree, LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD DIE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE". It is in my head, I can't change it. When I hear it I just want to say that "Ok, great! So if there is someone out there, who want this life, why there is no magic button to just click, disappear and give all of this to someone who actually is worth it".

 

[LostSoul101]

Hello! I'm sorry to read that :( I hope you feel a bit better after releasing it on here.
Eurgh those comments about being handsome and educated- it sounds lovely but the outside is just the outside and doesn't have to match the inside, right?
I felt so much better after I signed up to be an organ donor after I'm gone. Have you signed up?
The one organ I wouldn't give away is my brain- no one would want that!

You have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil recently. I'm sorry. Its understandable you feel the way you do.

 

[polishhh25]

I feel guilty for being depressed. My wish would be to give all of what I have to someone, who deserves it.
Yes I signed up to be an organ donor, but this doesn't make me feel better.
It seems so weird, like a place without any escape. I don't consider jumping in front of a car, since I would traumatize the driver.
I was also once a passenger in a TGV train in France when someone decided to step on railway to commit a suicide, the driver was traumatized, I don't want to even imagine how this could have affected a career of this person.
I don't want to cause pain to anybody.

But it feels so good just to be able to write it here without feeling of being judged.

I wish I could see my life through the perspective of others, to see a meaning.

 

[LostSoul101]

Oh sorry, I thought perhaps because signing up as an organ donor made me feel calm it might have the same effect on you too. I felt calm because planning the details makes me feel calmer, because I am creating the choice to leave this life and not forced to stay.

Yeah this forum is helpful to express yourself. It's usually hard to be really honest about suicidal feelings in real life.
It's frustrating when people see the surface level things like being educated and attractive. Of course these things are great to have in life, but there is more to life than that.... The end of a relationship is somehow an existential crisis. We have to change how we imagine our future. That's scary!
Actually, just the other day I wrote in my journal that my looks and education are also wasted on me! I also feel like someone else should have them because I dont want or need them. It's frustrating, isn't it!
Depression isn't your choice :( If your leg was broken, feeling guilty would seem unrealistic. We also can't choose depression. It's a disease that has no gender or social choice, unfortunately. It can hit anyone. And it's so annoying when it does.

 

[polishhh25]

I don't want to judge you, but I hope that you will stay and won't leave this life, since just by commenting my post you've helped.
I have moments when I tell myself "Hey, it's just your brain" and my only little hope is that one day it will change. I want to believe that I'm here for some reason, do you believe that there is something in it?

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to believe that I'm here for some reason, do you believe that there is something in it?

Why? Just leave all that type of thinking alone. You're here just to be here. And that's reason enough.

 

[Ghost2211]

Your feelings are valid regardless of you quality of life. Depression effects people from all walks of life. Organ donation is a very generous thing to do, and very respectable. Suicides can't donate organs, so if you want to do so you might want to consider looking into live donation. I hope talking to us and feeling heard helps comfort you a bit.

 

[LostSoul101]

I don't want to judge you, but I hope that you will stay and won't leave this life, since just by commenting my post you've helped.
I have moments when I tell myself "Hey, it's just your brain" and my only little hope is that one day it will change. I want to believe that I'm here for some reason, do you believe that there is something in it?

It's human nature to want purpose. We need a purpose to be here and feel like we belong. It might be your brains way of saying it wants purpose and belonging and wants you to find it.
We very often go through thoughts of wanting to end our lives AND wanting to stay but have a different life. Sometimes depression really does switch off, sometimes not. People are different. Have you ever tried therapy or medication for your depression? For some people it works, for others not. Unfortunately there is no fixed answer. But going back to your question, can we say that the part of your brain that is telling you to find a reason Is "hope"?
To add to that, maybe try Googling the difference between thoughts and feelings. I found that helpful when I question my brain and depression.
I just checked Google if suicides can donate organs. Yes but as with all deaths, a doctor will check the body incase there is poisoning or a health reason that prevents the organs being donated.

 

[lofistos345]

Hey, I don't know how many of people here are gay, but just wanted to share smth with you. My relationship of almost 5 years has finished. I felt like this was the only opportunity for me to create a family (I'm not talking about kids, just a family of 2 persons loving each other). In the end it turned out that I was just a "pretty boy" and I turned out to be a useless partner since I suffer from depression.

It doesn't matter with whom I talk to, it seems like they don't understand. They don't understand depression, they don't understand that this second person was my reason to wake up and fight. Since now he is gone I feel that actually it is truth that people would be better without me (He left after my depression came back for the second time and I can imagine that it would be just too much for anybody). I don't want to feel like a burden, like I'm useless.

Suicide sounds scary, but on the other hand it feels so good, like a huge relief to just imagine that I could for example donate my organs for someone, who needs it. To end it for me, but save great people, who are out there, full of energy and are just amazing people.

I have enough of comments "You' re young, handsome, you have a degree, LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD DIE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE". It is in my head, I can't change it. When I hear it I just want to say that "Ok, great! So if there is someone out there, who want this life, why there is no magic button to just click, disappear and give all of this to someone who actually is worth it".

Have the same problems. I can tell you that is very difficult for someone else to deal with someone else mental health issues. They feel your pain and don't know how to help. They leave because they can't handle your pain. It's not about you it's about how they deal with your pain.

If even equipped mental health profissionals don't help at all imagine another person.

I recomend that you find a purpose for you life maybe that will help you with the depression. Don't let your happiness depend on another person.

 

[Antigonish]

Did you know some places want take donated organs or blood, from gay people because of how much of an at risk population they are. I know this because I'm also non-heterosexual ( because I'm allot of things, just not straight. ). But anyways, I feel like the best way to give life meaning, is by going and planting a tree. Rescue an animal. Volunteer with the homeless. Help a fellow gay, so they can avoid the cruelties if being born this way.
What I'm saying is life isn't meaningful, you have to find away to paint the grey picture with colors.

I kinda realize how this makes me a hypocrite considering where I'm am. But I always try and a talk people away from the final solution, because I wish there was some there to do so for me. (Which idk if there is, I'm like in the acceptance stage.) My luck and the shitty burden our kind (depressed suicidal baby lions) must bear.

 

[lofistos345]

Did you know some places want take donated organs or blood, from gay people because of how much of an at risk population they are. I know this because I'm also non-heterosexual ( because I'm allot of things, just not straight. ). But anyways, I feel like the best way to give life meaning, is by going and planting a tree. Rescue an animal. Volunteer with the homeless. Help a fellow gay, so they can avoid the cruelties if being born this way.
What I'm saying is life isn't meaningful, you have to find away to paint the grey picture with colors.

I kinda realize how this makes me a hypocrite considering where I'm am. But I always try and a talk people away from the final solution, because I wish there was some there to do so for me. (Which idk if there is, I'm like in the acceptance stage.) My luck and the shitty burden our kind (depressed suicidal baby lions) must bear.

I really like the term non-heterosexual!

 

[k75]

I just checked Google if suicides can donate organs. Yes but as with all deaths, a doctor will check the body incase there is poisoning or a health reason that prevents the organs being donated.

The problem is you have to be brain dead on life support at the hospital to donate the major organs. :(

Corneas and I think some tissue can be taken up to a few hours after death.

And all of it depends on your method. Plus, not every donor is actually eligible. I read somewhere that it's like 3% of people.

 

[Niftypoint124]

Being a youthful, educated, attractive gay person doesn't shield you from heartbreak - shit, it probably primed you for it! ;) I totally understand how you feel though, having (at times) been in incredibly enviable situations while depressed and intensely lonely. Being in a good place doesn't automatically mean you will feel good; how else could so many insanely successful people still be deeply unhappy?

You deserve to be with someone who loves all of you, even if they don't always like every bit of it. That you may have recurring bouts of depression does not mean you cannot find a safe, sane, supportive, and loving relationship with a person who returns your affections. I know this feels SUPER shitty right now, because breakups are the GD worst, but I'm glad you're here and talking about it instead of bottling it up inside.

How long ago have you two been apart? It sounds like this is a very fresh breakup.

 

[polishhh25]

Soon it will be 1 month. I'm trying medication and therapy. It just seems so hopeless. We got engaged and I was thinking - it doesn't matter what the life brings, I want to get old with that guy. He thought the same, but one day I couldn't sleep, suddenly I felt this overwhelming anxiety without any specific reason. I wasn't able to go running, I felt anxious and stupid. One day my I had a terrible pannick attack, I don't if some of you know what derealization feels like - everything seems so unreal. I was scared. He couldn't take it again. He started to shout at me that I'm stupid and slowly and useless again. I believe that it was very difficult for him to accept, so I can't blame him.
I was trying to do my best, to force myself to cook, to read, to take a train everyday, to take care of our home, but I could feel the distance. He was very cold, not showing any feelings. I knew that something was about to happen, In the end he said that he can't take it anymore.

I came back to my home country - Poland. Homophobic atmosphere in this country isn't probably helping ;) Although my friends say that at least i'm lucky for 'not looking gay'.
And well, depression or mental illness in general is a big taboo topic in my country (I'm not even mentioning being gay, since even the president of Poland said that LGBT is worst than bolshevism - it doesn't make any sense, but well.. welcome in Poland!).

I'm really glad to be here, because just a breakup (well in my case also losing an appartement, a job and a partner - all together) and going back to your home country is probably difficult to handle, but adding a depression to it seems just impossible. I hate explaining it to any of my friends, because they are like "aaa, so you're just overthinking, it's normal, you have to believe in yourself!". I even started to doubt my doctor's diagnosis of depression after seeing my friends, because when I hear that "You don't look depressed, you re not drinking alcohol, you're talking normally, you're smiling" I felt that maybe I'm just making it up. So I've recently met with two other psychiatrists to ask them if maybe I'm suddenly really lazy and sad and it's just a breakup. Well they both confirmed that it is a depression.

I can also understand that we shouldn't let our happiness depend on another person. That's why it's even more difficult for me. From the outside it looks like I should just put on my suit and follow my dream career and like ALMOST EVERYBODY ELSE just have fun (no strings attached relations etc). And I can't ;) My friends are successful lawyers who go on Tinder when they feel lonely, grab a drink with a stranger and just have fun. I can't. I don't want to ever do that. It seems so sad and would probably make me feel even more lonely than I feel right now.
I've never dreamt of becoming a firefighter or a policeman :D I've always dreamt of having a family, but my depression deprived me of it.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Soon it will be 1 month. I'm trying medication and therapy. It just seems so hopeless. We got engaged and I was thinking - it doesn't matter what the life brings, I want to get old with that guy. He thought the same, but one day I couldn't sleep, suddenly I felt this overwhelming anxiety without any specific reason. I wasn't able to go running, I felt anxious and stupid. One day my I had a terrible pannick attack, I don't if some of you know what derealization feels like - everything seems so unreal. I was scared. He couldn't take it again. He started to shout at me that I'm stupid and slowly and useless again. I believe that it was very difficult for him to accept, so I can't blame him.
I was trying to do my best, to force myself to cook, to read, to take a train everyday, to take care of our home, but I could feel the distance. He was very cold, not showing any feelings. I knew that something was about to happen, In the end he said that he can't take it anymore.

I came back to my home country - Poland. Homophobic atmosphere in this country isn't probably helping ;) Although my friends say that at least i'm lucky for 'not looking gay'.
And well, depression or mental illness in general is a big taboo topic in my country (I'm not even mentioning being gay, since even the president of Poland said that LGBT is worst than bolshevism - it doesn't make any sense, but well.. welcome in Poland!).

I'm really glad to be here, because just a breakup (well in my case also losing an appartement, a job and a partner - all together) and going back to your home country is probably difficult to handle, but adding a depression to it seems just impossible. I hate explaining it to any of my friends, because they are like "aaa, so you're just overthinking, it's normal, you have to believe in yourself!". I even started to doubt my doctor's diagnosis of depression after seeing my friends, because when I hear that "You don't look depressed, you re not drinking alcohol, you're talking normally, you're smiling" I felt that maybe I'm just making it up. So I've recently met with two other psychiatrists to ask them if maybe I'm suddenly really lazy and sad and it's just a breakup. Well they both confirmed that it is a depression.

I can also understand that we shouldn't let our happiness depend on another person. That's why it's even more difficult for me. From the outside it looks like I should just put on my suit and follow my dream career and like ALMOST EVERYBODY ELSE just have fun (no strings attached relations etc). And I can't ;) My friends are successful lawyers who go on Tinder when they feel lonely, grab a drink with a stranger and just have fun. I can't. I don't want to ever do that. It seems so sad and would probably make me feel even more lonely than I feel right now.
I've never dreamt of becoming a firefighter or a policeman :D I've always dreamt of having a family, but my depression deprived me of it.

Finding a genuine relationship is hard, it's harder for those that suffer from depression and even harder for those in the LGBTQIA+ community with depression. I feel you and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, because you deserve to be happy, regardlessly. The dynamic from a romantic relationship is so different from any other types of relationship and it brings you to the height you cannot reach with others.

A LOT of people just don't understand depression and how much it can affect a person, and having people around who can't relate to your situation is even worse. We are happy to have you here sharing your story, so if you ever need someone to listen to you and talk about what is upsetting you, I, along with most everyone here, am open for a chat whenever you want.

I think a big part of it is that people keep telling others to not compare your happiness with others', but don't realise that the same goes for sufferings. Your struggles and sufferings are valid and no one can and should undermine them. I don't know you but I really hope you can find the happiness you yearn for and the peace you so deserve.

 

[LostSoul101]

I'd love to send you a private message but it won't allow me to, maybe because your profile is new - my situational depression is similar to yours (but I'm a hetero female) and I feel the same way and I want to hug you!

 

[SadBlueLemon]

If organ donation is one of the big pros of commiting suicide in your mind then I have to say, it's not going to happen. Suicide as a cause of death is not the obstacle, but for an organ to be viable for transplantation it has to be alive, meaning blood and oxygen circulation, at the point of harvesting. And all of this is preceded by running a multitude of lab checks and getting a legal clearance to take the organ, etc. = it takes time. Suicides happen in isolation, though, so even if you're found quickly after death, your organs will no longer be viable because they begin to die the moment you die AKA your circulation/breathing stops. Add to that all the time it would take from you being found to making it to the hospital and so on... I'm sorry, but it will never happen. Suicide victims don't save lives (not by organ donation anyway).