kitia973
我亦定山河
- Dec 24, 2024
- 50
TW for mentions of violence
I find it quite funny how nobody tends to take mental health and suicidal thoughts seriously until it gets completely out of hand, at least for me.
My mental health has been rapidly declining for the past few months, mostly due to my school and not adjusting to the new environment. I attend a public school that is extremely overcrowded (literal stampedes between classes) and I have very indifferent teachers who do not teach. I have tried to mention that my mental health was not doing well before, and most of them ignored it.
For some background information, my old Chinese school had 19 students a class and every teacher actually taught the stuff instead of ignoring every student who tried to ask for help.
I faced a lot of discrimination and bias at my current school. It was visible that teachers would treat me differently because of my cultural background, often times undermining my academic scores due to the most minor and ridiculous infractions.
Anyway, a few days ago I could not take my shitty school any longer and explicitly told my counselor that if the biased treatment and indifference continued I would stab myself in the neck, severing my cartoid artery and spraying my blood everywhere at school. I was angry, and wanted to appear serious as possible.
I was taken to the ED, but then discharged quickly. Nothing memorable happened at the hospital, as my family looked "supportive" and I was cooperative. It was mostly self-advocacy, and my parents were smart enough to say the right things that would prevent me from getting involuntarily hospitalized.
Well, the attitude of the school changed very quickly after that incident. None of my teachers treat me like shit now. My school is desperate to prevent another shooting from another angry student who thought nobody cared about them. There have also been multiple suicides at that school before, and the press coverage was shocking. Needless to say, the school did not wish for any more of that.
I suppose I am lucky enough to have " a strong sense of self-advocacy", as they called it. Most people are not assertive enough, but sometimes I feel like you just have to be extreme for others to take it seriously. In China we call this "发疯", or "going crazy". If you are polite and quiet, no one ever notices your struggles because your voice is dominated by all the other "happy" and loud people.
I have never cared about what others think of me interally either. I only care if they perform actions that are detrimental to my well-being and future, such as being discriminatory. But honestly, they can be discriminatory inside their heart all they want, as long as they don't physically harm me because of it. There was this instance where I received an 0 on a large assignment for turning in the assignment and an essay at the same time. The "correct" order was first showing the assignment, then the essay. Half of the class turned in the two things at the same time, and I was the only one who received a 0. Geez, wonder why?
I don't think they will have the courage to do that anymore, knowing that I might one day just go insane and casually spray my artery blood all over them. That was what I came off like to the counselor.
Also for background information, in China successful suicide by cutting is acutally quite common. Probably due to cultural differences, but a lot of Chinese celebrities, online figures, and even people I know committed suicide successfully by cutting their wrist. Stabbing the neck is less common, but still it can seen sometimes in news. Death by knives/cutting is actually a prevalent choice.
However, by no means I recommend cutting as a method for people on this site. This is just a personal choice, and cutting is definitely not a good choice if you want to die painlessly and looking somewhat peaceful.
I find it quite funny how nobody tends to take mental health and suicidal thoughts seriously until it gets completely out of hand, at least for me.
My mental health has been rapidly declining for the past few months, mostly due to my school and not adjusting to the new environment. I attend a public school that is extremely overcrowded (literal stampedes between classes) and I have very indifferent teachers who do not teach. I have tried to mention that my mental health was not doing well before, and most of them ignored it.
For some background information, my old Chinese school had 19 students a class and every teacher actually taught the stuff instead of ignoring every student who tried to ask for help.
I faced a lot of discrimination and bias at my current school. It was visible that teachers would treat me differently because of my cultural background, often times undermining my academic scores due to the most minor and ridiculous infractions.
Anyway, a few days ago I could not take my shitty school any longer and explicitly told my counselor that if the biased treatment and indifference continued I would stab myself in the neck, severing my cartoid artery and spraying my blood everywhere at school. I was angry, and wanted to appear serious as possible.
I was taken to the ED, but then discharged quickly. Nothing memorable happened at the hospital, as my family looked "supportive" and I was cooperative. It was mostly self-advocacy, and my parents were smart enough to say the right things that would prevent me from getting involuntarily hospitalized.
Well, the attitude of the school changed very quickly after that incident. None of my teachers treat me like shit now. My school is desperate to prevent another shooting from another angry student who thought nobody cared about them. There have also been multiple suicides at that school before, and the press coverage was shocking. Needless to say, the school did not wish for any more of that.
I suppose I am lucky enough to have " a strong sense of self-advocacy", as they called it. Most people are not assertive enough, but sometimes I feel like you just have to be extreme for others to take it seriously. In China we call this "发疯", or "going crazy". If you are polite and quiet, no one ever notices your struggles because your voice is dominated by all the other "happy" and loud people.
I have never cared about what others think of me interally either. I only care if they perform actions that are detrimental to my well-being and future, such as being discriminatory. But honestly, they can be discriminatory inside their heart all they want, as long as they don't physically harm me because of it. There was this instance where I received an 0 on a large assignment for turning in the assignment and an essay at the same time. The "correct" order was first showing the assignment, then the essay. Half of the class turned in the two things at the same time, and I was the only one who received a 0. Geez, wonder why?
I don't think they will have the courage to do that anymore, knowing that I might one day just go insane and casually spray my artery blood all over them. That was what I came off like to the counselor.
Also for background information, in China successful suicide by cutting is acutally quite common. Probably due to cultural differences, but a lot of Chinese celebrities, online figures, and even people I know committed suicide successfully by cutting their wrist. Stabbing the neck is less common, but still it can seen sometimes in news. Death by knives/cutting is actually a prevalent choice.
However, by no means I recommend cutting as a method for people on this site. This is just a personal choice, and cutting is definitely not a good choice if you want to die painlessly and looking somewhat peaceful.
