Story Being exposed to suicide information and mature discussion has helped me both accepting life and death.

[Niko66]

I have been suicidal for a good handful of years now most of which had just been passively so, that constant "why am I here, I wish I was dead, this is not worth going through, I don't know how much longer can I endure this", etc. Everyone has their own versions but you know the deal, I've been waiting for death or I've been waiting for the magical winds of change, the lucky break that will end the years of descent into chronic mental and physical illness and make me happy, which of course is never gonna happen. And all my life has suicide through every piece of media, through everyone's words and opinions and views that suicide isn't a valid choice, that it's merely a desperate and tragic act from the mentally ill or terminally ill... And what tells us is that we are trapped here against our will, suffering for the sake of others with no choice, with no interest other than not hurting those around you, guilt, fear, difficulties of having a method and so on, when it comes to it all born out of negative emotions.

And that's where this forum and (most) of it's members contributed an important couple of cents of insight, my time here has cemented that suicide is a genuine choice which can have validity and if anything shouldn't have to be oh so justified but rather it's a matter of autonomy, hence the word choice. It has also given me the information to be educated on the matter enough so that I can carry on a reasonable plan for my death if that's what I so choose, even if the current state of affairs doesn't make it easy, it can be feasible, calculated and deliberate.

So where I am going with this is that with the choice of death becoming real and valid, so has become the choice of living more significant and deliberate, I've always hated doing meaningless things just because I am forced and in that sense I feel I've been given back a little bit of autonomy over my existence. It's made me reflect why is it truly that I am here, because every day that I am not choosing to move forward with death then it is a choice to live another day and so it shouldn't be wasted wishing for change to come by itself to end my life or improve it, because that's undoubtely in my mind the worst option of them all, a non-choice, the slow and miserable death of passivity, "sucide by sickness, chance or old age".

And so now I feel that I am as likely I've ever been to actually take my life, but also to live my life. I don't want any more years of receiving abuse from life and people silently, of shutting my mouth, numbing my feelings, of enduring the pain I never asked for and while I can't say I am never going back into that headspace because life is just that good at sapping away our will to go on with anything... the chances of that happening are rather high knowing myself yet at least now I have had these thoughts and I can also go back to them. To choose to live or to choose to die, either way I want my days to have an intent.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i can fully relate to you. this forum has given me true insight in why we are here on this world, and empathy for people that actually have it worse then me. and that everything is welcome here (to live or to die) brings me more comfort then any of my friends ever have given me. i feel that the mods of this forum have accomplished what they wanted: a forum to openly discuss taboo topics such as suicide, depression, childhood trauma, and so much more.

i think without this forum i would already be gone, or a vegetable due to lack of information on methods. it has, ironically, helped me stay alive.

 

[LittleCloud]

Well, you could always make a choice to become an orator, because that was a good speech. I felt the same. I came here out of desperation, feeling like I'm forced to live a life of pain and torment, and Sanction Suicide gave me a choice. Suddenly living felt much easier, because choosing to do so was MY conscious decision, and knowing that i could end it whenever helped tremendously too.

 

[Niko66]

Well, you could always make a choice to become an orator, because that was a good speech. I felt the same. I came here out of desperation, feeling like I'm forced to live a life of pain and torment, and Sanction Suicide gave me a choice. Suddenly living felt much easier, because choosing to do so was MY conscious decision, and knowing that i could end it whenever helped tremendously too.

Funny you say that, I am pretty terrible communicating with people lol.
I am glad to hear others have had similar experiences. I've come to feel very strongly about our right to die as of recently. The lack of choice allows for a society in which don't seek true quality of life nor meaning, only going through the motions and hardships as we are told to. A place like this helps us challenge that notion.

 

[its-about-time]

You put what I'm currently struggling with into a coherent sentence, so thank you for that. I'm choosing to live each day by declining to die (as irritated as that makes me), but I'm doing so by distracting myself from the desire to die with mundane tasks, and I'm not sure that's a well-spent "choice to live" and so I am feeling defeated and irritated. Not sure what to do about it, but it's a step forward realizing more of what the issue is. Thanks again.

 

[Niko66]

You put what I'm currently struggling with into a coherent sentence, so thank you for that. I'm choosing to live each day by declining to die (as irritated as that makes me), but I'm doing so by distracting myself from the desire to die with mundane tasks, and I'm not sure that's a well-spent "choice to live" and so I am feeling defeated and irritated. Not sure what to do about it, but it's a step forward realizing more of what the issue is. Thanks again.

I am glad it helped at all! I really feel it when you say it's straight up irritating to have to try at all, it's a really a hard feeling to get over. I don't know about your circumstances but personally I am a little bit obsessed with fairness and that most of my life I "had to behave" to not burden others made me resentful of it, of having to "do good" and the thought that I had and have to go through so much, most of which was no fault of my own, just pissed me off incredibly and made me not want to try at all. I wanted to hurt myself, I want to let myself go, to throw all the tantrums that I never got to growing up, "why do I have to do this? It's not fucking fair" I honestly don't even know why these days this feeling is not so prevalent in me anymore, I feel like it could take over any day again.

I read this idea in this self help (I know lol but still) book "Atomic Habits" that what we do over time becomes essentially who we are, I think that was the first thing that pushed me a little towards more positive ideas but even from then it took over a year before I even bothered trying to make any change at all and a lot of other circumstances.

 

[Niko66]

And this is one of those days when I hope my trying actually leads me to be able to have it in me to kill myself sooner rather than later. This is freaking miserable.