Or not. Or trying too hard to be edgy, all across your life. I don't know. I tried to fit in and I couldn't. I tried to get it right and I couldn't. This sense of feeling secure with others, until you feel you're clicking with people then you're unsettled, at least that's how it was for me. I can never put that right now, I'm too much of a nervous wreck that wants to die. I tremble over the thought of living, medication keeps me in my box and stops me shaking the cage too hard, that's the best I can hope for. I give up, I'm mentally worn down, I just don't see an attempt I can go for either, I'm in limbo wanting to die but too weak to think straight, too worn out to figure out what I can go for.
Hello. Having been up, and down, and all around. I recognise this feeling. Rest and give the medication time to settle in. If the medication doesn't settle in, let your doctor know and try something else. (For me, some medications make me manic and make me do things in my sleep, I have to avoid those)
Social anxiety (I am making assumptions, but I recognise a familiar shape in what you're saying) is a real bitch. It CAN be overcome. It's too long, and my advice would probably be too bad, to go into here. A lot of what I might say probably boils down into:
- Time
- Professional success, if possible - being valued for a concrete skill does wonders for your confidence
- Learning to recognise whose opinion of you actually means anything, and whose doesn't
But there are books that can help. Or rather, sections of various books which can, when cobbled together, help.
---
Navel-gazing:
I don't know what medication you're on. In my own case, I am on things that keep me just a little steadier than I would be. I am equally grateful and resentful about this. I am grateful because it allows me to function and do what I value. I am resentful because I suspect I should kill myself immediately and I will now have to fight a living being's irrational, biological optimism in order to do so. However, at least in the meantime, I am more comfortable and I do not feel like my connection to reality and logic has been fully severed. If it gets to the point that I should, logically, undeniably, off myself immediately, that path is always (or to the best of my ability, always) open. And if I need extra despair - the cold, wicked, hard sharpness of the other reality which I can't feel most of the time, right now, but which I remember quite vividly - I can always stop taking it.
For example, there's a strong chance that without medication I would have killed myself during the last couple of weeks. But I haven't, yet, and because of that I've been able to spend time with my family, in relative calm. I've been able to help people with things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do. I've spared them the pain that my ctb would inevitably cause, for the time being. And I've been able to take some steps to rectify the situation that has caused the massive downturn in my mental health. All of this is valuable to me, in both my 'actively suicidal' and current 'less actively suicidal' states. So, I'm not upset about it.
Try to ride it out, if you can.
---
Super navel-gaze (sorry):
I know these are odd sentiments on this site. I will never say to anyone to ctb or not ctb. I am here because I am suicidal and want to talk to other suicidal people who understand and won't get upset and judge. If I see a chance to help someone with life things while I'm here, I will try to, because while I think to ctb is a human right, I see no reason to rush it, and if I can help someone at least 'go down swinging' (by which I mean, trying positive things for positive outcomes, for as long as that's even a remote possibility) then I damn well will.
Jesus, I didn't realise I was flexible enough to suck myself off like that, but here I am with my own dick in my own mouth, about to click 'post'. Oh well, whatever. Sorry.
Social anxiety (I am making assumptions, but I recognise a familiar shape in what you're saying) is a real bitch. It CAN be overcome. It's too long, and my advice would probably be too bad, to go into here. A lot of what I might say probably boils down into:
- Time
- Professional success, if possible - being valued for a concrete skill does wonders for your confidence
- Learning to recognise whose opinion of you actually means anything, and whose doesn't
But there are books that can help. Or rather, sections of various books which can, when cobbled together, help.
---
Navel-gazing:
I don't know what medication you're on. In my own case, I am on things that keep me just a little steadier than I would be. I am equally grateful and resentful about this. I am grateful because it allows me to function and do what I value. I am resentful because I suspect I should kill myself immediately and I will now have to fight a living being's irrational, biological optimism in order to do so. However, at least in the meantime, I am more comfortable and I do not feel like my connection to reality and logic has been fully severed. If it gets to the point that I should, logically, undeniably, off myself immediately, that path is always (or to the best of my ability, always) open. And if I need extra despair - the cold, wicked, hard sharpness of the other reality which I can't feel most of the time, right now, but which I remember quite vividly - I can always stop taking it.
For example, there's a strong chance that without medication I would have killed myself during the last couple of weeks. But I haven't, yet, and because of that I've been able to spend time with my family, in relative calm. I've been able to help people with things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do. I've spared them the pain that my ctb would inevitably cause, for the time being. And I've been able to take some steps to rectify the situation that has caused the massive downturn in my mental health. All of this is valuable to me, in both my 'actively suicidal' and current 'less actively suicidal' states. So, I'm not upset about it.
Try to ride it out, if you can.
---
Super navel-gaze (sorry):
I know these are odd sentiments on this site. I will never say to anyone to ctb or not ctb. I am here because I am suicidal and want to talk to other suicidal people who understand and won't get upset and judge. If I see a chance to help someone with life things while I'm here, I will try to, because while I think to ctb is a human right, I see no reason to rush it, and if I can help someone at least 'go down swinging' (by which I mean, trying positive things for positive outcomes, for as long as that's even a remote possibility) then I damn well will.
Jesus, I didn't realise I was flexible enough to suck myself off like that, but here I am with my own dick in my own mouth, about to click 'post'. Oh well, whatever. Sorry.
Thanks for the post. I'll take all this in and consider some of your suggestions, I'm still finding the medication hard but yeah it's probably easier than before, not ringing ambulances as much as I was. Thanks for getting in touch
My pleasure. One thing I forgot to mention in the brief list of overcoming anxiety is to learn to let go of caring what other people think of you. This isn't just a 'don't let it get you down' statement, although it is partly that. But it's also a fairly concrete strategy for attaining better results in that area. Because the idea is that you will be (eventually) genuinely more relaxed, not chasing approval, more confident, and so on. Fair warning, it took me years to approach this and I'm still not where I'd like to be with it. In fact, although I had a good few years where I was doing well, I am now near back to square one with it, if not even below where I was before. But that's my situation, I'm just taking a moment to whinge. There's nothing to say that you can't make (let's say) moderately faster and much more lasting progress than I managed, and in fact it's quite likely imo :)
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