Venting Being Cool and Popular is Important

[GreenLantern]

K-12 is a toxic environment. In jr high and high school especially, it becomes increasingly apparent that being seen as "cool" by other kids and fitting in with them is really important in teenage social life. You don't want to be seen as "uncool" or a dork, geek, etc. And that's also the first time in life you see "cliques". But during those years adults will tell you that being cool (in the shallow sense) isn't important in the long run and that things get better later in life and people are more mature as they age.

In the working world, people still value and only respect people that they consider "cool". Work as an adult is socially just like high school. People still gossip about you behind your back (whether the gossip is true or not). They judge you based on your appearance, how many friends you have, if you have a girlfriend or not, and if everyone else working there likes you.

College is much the same and also very clicky.

I hate social media because it seems like just a popularity contest on the internet. The whole idea of facebook and twitter is everyone is supposed to look cool and happy, post lots of pics with cool and attractive friends, and have 100+ facebook friends (even if you don't actively talk to all of them).

Being "cool", popular, and fitting in apparently isn't just something that's important in k-12, but for life. Adults are just shallow as teenagers. They are not mature, morally superior, enlightened individuals.

People are very critical, superficial, and judgmental as far as who they consider "cool". People expect a lot and are extremely mean to those they consider uncool. At worst, they'll bully you, make you feel bad, and make your life miserable. At best, they'll speak and be cordial with you but of course won't include you in most social functions.

 

[Made4TV]

Yup. Truth.

 

[Kyrok]

Some people can get by without giving a fuck about being cool.
Anyone who treats another unfairly, remember they're the assholes.

 

[Essie]

Yes, I agree with you, OP, but I am older--38 this month--and "cool" is defined by the viewer. As you age, it is easier to find people like you. What is "cool" to me may not be interesting to someone else. No one cares much the older you get, and sometimes you get "cool" as an adult for being "uncool" totally unintentionally. Plus, adults really don't care the older you get, and you find they barely listen or pay attention, ime, and are more wrapped up in their own lives. Try talking to someone with a small child. They hear nothing you say and see nothing you do, lol. I have a child now, and know why that is (kids are nightmares, even good ones).

 

[sólstafir]

I understand the pain that comes from judgemental grownups, I was a gossip-target at work, because I had no confidence in my work performance and overall acted weirdly all the time. But I can see only one advantage of being 'cool' and even that is questionable, that is, you have a lot of friends, but the question is... are they real friends. If you have one or few true friend(s) in life, you're a rich person. Read the book The Little Prince for example. Find one good, loyal person and take care of himself/herself and the rest of the hostile world can go fuck itself

 

[GreenLantern]

Yes, I agree with you, OP, but I am older--38 this month--and "cool" is defined by the viewer. As you age, it is easier to find people like you. What is "cool" to me may not be interesting to someone else. No one cares much the older you get, and sometimes you get "cool" as an adult for being "uncool" totally unintentionally. Plus, adults really don't care the older you get, and you find they barely listen or pay attention, ime, and are more wrapped up in their own lives. Try talking to someone with a small child. They hear nothing you say and see nothing you do, lol. I have a child now, and know why that is (kids are nightmares, even good ones).

I'm in my 30's as well and to this day my experience is totally different from yours. As recently as the last 2 years I have been at jobs where there's cliques of "cool" people judging and ostracizing others.

 

[Essie]

I'm in my 30's as well and to this day my experience is totally different from yours. As recently as the last 2 years I have been at jobs where there's cliques of "cool" people judging and ostracizing others.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I don't work at a job with other people. I work from home, but I do interact with loads of people. I suppose you could say I am the "cool" person, as far as others are concerned--not now; now I am crippled and see no one, but before. I think it depends on the job/neighborhood/etc... that you are involved in and how you react to/interact with it. My brother, for instance, worked at a famous, super upscale restaurant, and there, it was a nightmare of cliques and backstabbing--not directed at him, but as a whole. Even the owners were PO'd by the environment. Once he changed jobs to a more low-key environment, it wasn't an issue. I am in the entertainment industry, and yes, it is a serious issue in some quadrants. But I have not personally dealt with it ever in almost 15 years. Everyone I worked with was very down to earth and nice, and they are all super big names themselves. However, my brother in law is a Dr and is snooty and lives in a snooty neighborhood, so I hate even going there. I think it depends on the group of people, regardless. My neighborhood is just as upscale and the people are down to earth and very nice.

 

[Final Escape]

K-12 is a toxic environment. In jr high and high school especially, it becomes increasingly apparent that being seen as "cool" by other kids and fitting in with them is really important in teenage social life. You don't want to be seen as "uncool" or a dork, geek, etc. And that's also the first time in life you see "cliques". But during those years adults will tell you that being cool (in the shallow sense) isn't important in the long run and that things get better later in life and people are more mature as they age.

In the working world, people still value and only respect people that they consider "cool". Work as an adult is socially just like high school. People still gossip about you behind your back (whether the gossip is true or not). They judge you based on your appearance, how many friends you have, if you have a girlfriend or not, and if everyone else working there likes you.

College is much the same and also very clicky.

I hate social media because it seems like just a popularity contest on the internet. The whole idea of facebook and twitter is everyone is supposed to look cool and happy, post lots of pics with cool and attractive friends, and have 100+ facebook friends (even if you don't actively talk to all of them).

Being "cool", popular, and fitting in apparently isn't just something that's important in k-12, but for life. Adults are just shallow as teenagers. They are not mature, morally superior, enlightened individuals.

People are very critical, superficial, and judgmental as far as who they consider "cool". People expect a lot and are extremely mean to those they consider uncool. At worst, they'll bully you, make you feel bad, and make your life miserable. At best, they'll speak and be cordial with you but of course won't include you in most social functions.

Yes, K-12 government schools are toxic environments. It's part of the government's agenda to brainwash/indoctrinate kids, separate you early away from your parents since this breaks loyalty to your parents in a way. You basically attach to whoever raises you or in an environment where ever u spend a significant amount of time in your formative years. It's a way to get you to be a loyal obedient slave to the state. To see it as your parent and as a positive thing. It is bad for kids to be the primary influence over other kids. You learn how to become an adult by being around older mentors which is why I think many of us act way less mature than we otherwise would be by age 18. If you look up on YouTube there is more information on why public schools are not great for most kids.

 

[Susannah]

Yes, I agree with you, OP, but I am older--38 this month--and "cool" is defined by the viewer. As you age, it is easier to find people like you. What is "cool" to me may not be interesting to someone else. No one cares much the older you get, and sometimes you get "cool" as an adult for being "uncool" totally unintentionally. Plus, adults really don't care the older you get, and you find they barely listen or pay attention, ime, and are more wrapped up in their own lives. Try talking to someone with a small child. They hear nothing you say and see nothing you do, lol. I have a child now, and know why that is (kids are nightmares, even good ones).

That would be my answer as well. I'm 40y and I don't give shit about social media critisism or "net bullying". It's easy to write, like or dislike on net, than doing it face to face. I have a teenager, so I'm aware of the problem.

 

[Essie]

I wanted to add something that my husband and I often talk about because we find it to be true over and over. The people who do this to other people are often the "lessers" in the grand equation, meaning, they are insecure and certainly not as "cool" as they think. I know that sounds like a platitude, but I am speaking from personal experience, having watched these people "fall from their thrones" time and again.

The genuinely "cool" people, the ones that stick around and remain stable and successful over long periods of time, whether that be personally or professionally, are the kindest, most humble, ime. They don't need cliques and backstabbing, because they are good at what they do and are good people as well.

I have been dirt poor and well off; I have been seriously victimized time and again in all manner, but I found that within enough time, the ones that did it "fell from glory," so to speak. You can never maintain a lie; if it is not who you really are, it falls away. It is such a trend that my husband and I can predict with almost 100% accuracy who it will happen to. It might take years, but it always happens.

Now maybe in politics and such this isn't true; I don't know. And some people are more prone to being "know-it-alls" and thinking they are God's gift to the world. You won't change their mind, but they are generally seen by most people as such and disliked save for their few friends. Everyone knows my brother-in-law is a pompous jerk and avoids him, lol. My heroin-addict cousin thinks he is better than everyone and tries to make everyone feel bad and inadequate. Obviously, this is a defense mechanism and is regarded as such.

As a whole, I think it gets better out of school, where people are still trying to find themselves in relation to others and carve out an identity. Same for just starting in the workplace/the adult world.

 

[GreenLantern]

As a whole, I think it gets better out of school, where people are still trying to find themselves in relation to others and carve out an identity. Same for just starting in the workplace/the adult world.

It probably depends on luck and where you end up in your life. Not everyone can work by themselves and always be around people who are like them that respect and like them, no matter how hard they try. There is no hard fast iron clad rule that says life will get better after high school. For a lot of people it doesn't.

It's also not just at work either. I've experienced it in pretty much all facets of adult social life. With roommates, meetups and various social functions, and also still with relatives. Even with "family" where everyone is supposed to be together, supportive, and on the same side, there are cliques. There are those in the family that really are friends too, who actually like and respect each other, and have better relationships with some than other family members. They'll respect some and then treat others like crap; condescend, insult, or really talk down to them.

 

[Aesthler]

Humans are very social and evolutionarily speaking it was always better to follow the crowd, that's why we do it because it's that primitive social instinct. If everyone is eating the berries then you know it's probably safe but if there's one dude off doing his own thing, well you don't know if he's gonna survive or not. That's also why humans formed tribes, which could be looked at as a clique, each tribe or culture of humans is different but collectively they all think the same stuff is right or cool. We haven't caught up with how fast the world has changed around us, no more are we small factions of people just seeing whose gonna survive we exploded all over the globe and now we've got way too many of us around, but if we continue to evolve and thrive on this planet in the way that we have been the social structure and how we interact is going to drastically change.
I know that doesn't change anything for now, but if you really want to learn how to be accepted by your peers you have to know how they work and practice interacting with others in a specific way. If you don't care to be accepted but you're just annoyed by other people then it's best to just live in your own world and ignore those silly apes.

 

[Jodes]

Oeopl

Humans are very social and evolutionarily speaking it was always better to follow the crowd, that's why we do it because it's that primitive social instinct. If everyone is eating the berries then you know it's probably safe but if there's one dude off doing his own thing, well you don't know if he's gonna survive or not. That's also why humans formed tribes, which could be looked at as a clique, each tribe or culture of humans is different but collectively they all think the same stuff is right or cool. We haven't caught up with how fast the world has changed around us, no more are we small factions of people just seeing whose gonna survive we exploded all over the globe and now we've got way too many of us around, but if we continue to evolve and thrive on this planet in the way that we have been the social structure and how we interact is going to drastically change.
I know that doesn't change anything for now, but if you really want to learn how to be accepted by your peers you have to know how they work and practice interacting with others in a specific way. If you don't care to be accepted but you're just annoyed by other people then it's best to just live in your own world and ignore those silly apes.

So people who are different are rejected?

 

[Aesthler]

Oeopl


So people who are different are rejected?

Maybe not so much in modern times and society, I think with each new generation people have become more accepting of things that go against the social norms. Throughout history people have rejected a lot of other people who were brilliant but different. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating the reasoning underneath it all.

 

[Essie]

It probably depends on luck and where you end up in your life. Not everyone can work by themselves and always be around people who are like them that respect and like them, no matter how hard they try. There is no hard fast iron clad rule that says life will get better after high school. For a lot of people it doesn't.

It's also not just at work either. I've experienced it in pretty much all facets of adult social life. With roommates, meetups and various social functions, and also still with relatives. Even with "family" where everyone is supposed to be together, supportive, and on the same side, there are cliques. There are those in the family that really are friends too, who actually like and respect each other, and have better relationships with some than other family members. They'll respect some and then treat others like crap; condescend, insult, or really talk down to them.

Yes, I would say luck to a degree. But I purposely made my life this way, to avoid what you are saying, so it is both. It took 2 decades. No, I am not always around people like me--haha, I wish! I think certain groups of people are more prone to acting certain ways than others, so I avoid them. Generally, there are always the "bad apples" in every place in life, but you just try to avoid the bad barrels. Even in poverty, I tried to find people who were respectful and open-minded or I would not associate, no matter how much I needed money or wanted a social life. I often had neither and was okay with that. (Am still not one to have a social life, lol.) Past school, where you are forced to go, you can make the choice to leave any other situation, even if it means being broke and having debt and no friends, which I did.

Yes, family, ime, are the WORST. I have found them to be the most judgemental and ostracizing. I pursued an uncommon path in life, and they were always there to tell me I would not make it, critique, and judge "for my own good." Lol. I find the older ones did this, not the ones my similar age, so I was careful not to do the same to my nieces and nephews as grew into their 20s/30s. It was demoralizing and very obnoxious (and persisted for a decade), but I used to to spur me on, not get me down.

I am probably more thick-skinned than some. I really don't care what others think past getting my feelings hurt momentarily. I do not let their judgements affect me long-term or influence my choices unless they are reputable and have a good point. Then I am grateful for the feedback and adjust accordingly.

But as an adult, it is not like in school where there were SET parameters of what cool was, ie: wearing Abercrombie, which I could not afford or Keds, so I was automatically "uncool," yet no one ever treated me as such and some lent me theirs, lol. I can't "define" after school what "cool"/ popular is, is what I am saying, because it becomes more diverse until you pick a set location, like a job, and that gets you into that lens of "cool."

 

[GreenLantern]

Yes, I would say luck to a degree. But I purposely made my life this way, to avoid what you are saying, so it is both. It took 2 decades. No, I am not always around people like me--haha, I wish! I think certain groups of people are more prone to acting certain ways than others, so I avoid them. Generally, there are always the "bad apples" in every place in life, but you just try to avoid the bad barrels. Even in poverty, I tried to find people who were respectful and open-minded or I would not associate, no matter how much I needed money or wanted a social life. I often had neither and was okay with that. (Am still not one to have a social life, lol.) Past school, where you are forced to go, you can make the choice to leave any other situation, even if it means being broke and having debt and no friends, which I did.

But as an adult, it is not like in school where there were SET parameters of what cool was, ie: wearing Abercrombie, which I could not afford or Keds, so I was automatically "uncool," yet no one ever treated me as such and some lent me theirs, lol. I can't "define" after school what "cool"/ popular is, is what I am saying, because it becomes more diverse until you pick a set location, like a job, and that gets you into that lens of "cool."

I've done that too. But for me it kept happening in most new environments I went to.

True, adults are not particular on things like clothes and what not, but there's still people that make the judgements, rumours, gossip about who's "cool" and not "cool". And the people who aren't are usually the ones to be socially ostracized and not have the social dignity others have.

 

[Essie]

I've done that too. But for me it kept happening in most new environments I went to.

True, adults are not particular on things like clothes and what not, but there's still people that make the judgements, rumours, gossip about who's "cool" and not "cool". And the people who aren't are usually the ones to be socially ostracized and not have the social dignity others have.

Is there a repeating theme that happens to you over and over? If not, then maybe it is the area/class/type of career or of people you are around (such as, maybe being a mechanic attracts a certain type of person more prone to being that way). I am not sure what you are experiencing and the intensity of it. My mom, for example, works in a medical office (for 20 yrs) with mostly younger females (past the Drs), and there is the typical, petty work bickering, and some girls more prone to it. I listen to her rant and rave, but it is silly stuff despite being irritating, and she knows that. But it is still not like school in that one person can get seriously bullied, beat up, and completely left out. I KNOW this happens in some workplaces, but it is not the *norm.*

For work, my husband and I communicate with up to hundreds of people a week--from all walks of life--via phone and email, rarely in person now but used to, and of course, there are issues and some people I don't like, as in, I would not want to be friends with. But there's relatively few blowout confrontations that don't get resolved peacefully to continue a good working relationship--same for my staff when they communicate with the public, etc... I DO deal with a lot of public perceptions, and take a lot of flack on a daily basis, but it is either points worthy of consideration that I address and make the necessary changes or laughable to me and sometimes has the reverse effect than intended, and I get into a giddy mood when viciously attacked, finding what they said funny. (And they invariably do so anonymously, lol.) I have a built a gallows, black sense of humor over the years dealing with crap. I also deal with repeated attempts to "overthow me" or "copy me" as any business owner or public persona deals with, but again, that is from the people not good at what they do who are looking for an easy answer to fame, success, fortune, status--and they never manage to do so long-term and only hurt themselves by trying. Yes, they can form a little "gang" of supporters (and I have had them steal my own employees/business away before) but honestly, ignoring them is the BEST tactic. Literally pay no attention.

As I said, people secure in themselves and talents/abilities do not need to hurt other people to get what they want or support their egos and self identity/worth. They like helping others and being PART of a group that expands and grows, not stays static and "elite." And they find that they can have success and be liked (by most, not all--someone will always be there to throw dirt in your face).

 

[GreenLantern]

Is there a repeating theme that happens to you over and over? If not, then maybe it is the area/class/type of career or of people you are around (such as, maybe being a mechanic attracts a certain type of person more prone to being that way). I am not sure what you are experiencing and the intensity of it. My mom, for example, works in a medical office (for 20 yrs) with mostly younger females (past the Drs), and there is the typical, petty work bickering, and some girls more prone to it. I listen to her rant and rave, but it is silly stuff despite being irritating, and she knows that. But it is still not like school in that one person can get seriously bullied, beat up, and completely left out. I KNOW this happens in some workplaces, but it is not the *norm.*

It's been the norm for me. Yeah I thought about that for a long time. It's not the area, because I've lived in different parts of the world and it's happened everywhere I've been. It's not the class, because people of all various classes have done it. Now at first I thought it was the job type. But then I worked in other fields and it happened there too.

 

[Essie]

It's been the norm for me. Yeah I thought about that for a long time. It's not the area, because I've lived in different parts of the world and it's happened everywhere I've been. It's not the class, because people of all various classes have done it. Now at first I thought it was the job type. But then I worked in other fields and it happened there too.

Lol. People are just sucky. I am sorry. I do know the feeling.