Discussion Being an Asexual, should I even bother to try before I CTB?

[Timelapse]

I feel haunted. Haunted by moments of past times when I could have done the deed but cowered away.

Spoiler

I don't like to mention the first 2 sexual contact I've had in my life as they were before the age of 10.

Spoiler

Last November I found myself in a funny situation. I had been staying with a friend(CK) downtown where things are loud and obnoxious. He was letting me stay for free so I butlered for him (went and got coffee, food etc, I didn't mind doing that as I walked his dog often and loved it. We go out to a bar, one night, not far. My best friend(PA) brings her friend(AM) to meet us... Things between CK and AM are hitting off and they go back to his place. I spend more time with PA and end up carrying her to CK's house as she was dead drunk and had to work in the morning (I did not have a drop of alcohol). As I put PA to bed. CK comes in and says "here, go shave your pubic hair", surprised of course I reply "why?". He tells me he wants to do a foursome with me, him, PA and AM. The only reason I agreed to it was because PA was going to participate, a big maybe as she was passed out on my bed. I just felt uncomfortable of having my first time to be with 2 people I'm not in love with. But PA was there.... and CK looks like a Greek God.. so I shaved and joined them. The whole thing was just a mess.
The guy was whipping my behind with a whip while ordering me to kiss the woman. Never felt as uncomfortable as I felt when she ask to eat her. I refused and ran to the other room. Sat on a chair next to my sleeping friend, in panic. Of course PA wakes up and ask me whats up? I tell her whats actually not up and she just went and joined them. I stayed in the room listening to "Maybe Tomorrow" by the Stereophonics the rest of the night.
This friend actually is the 4th love of my life and probably the one true and only. The one I've known the most, felt the most. The one I cherish above all else in this world. The only one I would give my virginity to. Yet I'm just 1 of the 10,000 people she knows and frequents on a regular basis. and as of today I sent her my last message to her and deleted my Facebook account last Friday.

Other than that I've never been in a situation where I've had sexual contact with anyone.

Kissed 2 persons in my life, the other one was in a psych ward, we got interrupted as we were spooning. (Best I've ever felt comfortable touching someone)
We were there for a good hour before they came.

I've had 4 "Love of my life" since I was born. (one sided of course) Secret crushes here and there but no lover.

I don't particularly find myself sexually attracted to people. I find the human kind to be very attractive aesthetically.

I'm not looking for sex, but a best friend.

But I'd like to know if I'm missing something.
Was it a waste not to have intercourse?
What it feels like...

How was your first time? On a scale of 1 to 10.
1 Being unbearable. 10 Being perfection.


Then again to even think to try, I would need a partner. And to get a partner, I would need to go out there............ I rather have a long distance relationship.

 

[sserafim]

I'm ace as well (aro too), and I've never done the deed or been in a relationship before either. I think I've only had one real crush/love of my life and it was one-sided. Sadly he didn't feel the same, and it was unrequited love. Now I think I've lost all attraction to anyone though. I've become full-on aroace.

 

[R_N]

I am not sure if I am allowed to reply as someone who did it but at the same time I don't miss it nor liked it that much. I actually always liked fantasy more and I am not sure in which basket I belong. I feel I forced all intimacy I had. It never felt I wanted it but like I was supposed to do it.

Any thought about real intimacy disgust me now and I find real human bodies repulsive in that regard.

So maybe you aren't missing much if you are anything like me. I was able to emotionally attach to people but I find that disgusting now. I adapted in a way that I can move on from any relation easily and replace people with even objects. Any source of entertainment. I don't really bound anymore, I wouldn't even consider my friend someone I need. Or people I talk to.

Sorry I went a bit off rails. In short I don't think you missed much or that is important if you yourself don't give it meaning. When we die experiences are pointless anyway.

 

[CPY]

I've never had sex because im not attractive.I don't believe asexuals exists, maybe you just don't like this kind of sex.I think sex(and having a partner) is a milestone in a person's life so I think one should try if he has the chance

 

[sserafim]

I am not sure if I am allowed to reply as someone who did it but at the same time I don't miss it nor liked it that much. I actually always liked fantasy more and I am not sure in which basket I belong. I feel I forced all intimacy I had. It never felt I wanted it but like I was supposed to do it.

Any thought about real intimacy disgust me now and I find real human bodies repulsive in that regard.

So maybe you aren't missing much if you are anything like me. I was able to emotionally attach to people but I find that disgusting now. I adapted in a way that I can move on from any relation easily and replace people with even objects. Any source of entertainment. I don't really bound anymore, I wouldn't even consider my friend someone I need. Or people I talk to.

Sorry I went a bit off rails. In short I don't think you missed much or that is important if you yourself don't give it meaning. When we die experiences are pointless anyway.

Intimacy disgusts me as well. I also find real human bodies repulsive. The idea of doing the deed is disgusting to me. I even hate physical contact (like people just touching me).

 

[R_N]

Intimacy disgusts me as well. I even hate physical contact (like people just touching me).

I am surprisingly capable of being affectionate in non romantic ways. But when it comes to "love/romantic" intimacy and contact it made me feel numbish when I did it. Like dissociate.

Some would say this is trauma related but I was never harassed in that kind of way as a kid. I also don't care tbh nor I feel I am missing out by being different in that regard. I am not falling for the "right way" meme. Life and beings just are and some differ. I am not looking for a "cure" to fit in the machine.

 

[I Can't Say]

I don't believe asexuals exists, maybe you just don't like this kind of sex.

Asexuality isn't about the act of sex exactly, it's about who you're attracted to. Men? Women? Both? For us, neither. And I assure you it exists, so maybe don't go around invalidating people's identities.

To the OP, I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do, because asexuals are so varied. That's why the asexual flag has a gradient from black to white; people fall everywhere in between. Unlike other people in this thread, I enjoy physical touch, but sex does nothing for me except make me feel uncomfortable. If you're not actually repulsed by it, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try, if you had the opportunity. But, you know, don't expect it to be a transcendent experience, necessarily.

Edit: I forgot about the beginning of your post. You've really been through some bad experiences, that's terrible. I hope you've been able to deal with it ok.

 

[Iamtired]

This makes me sad.
Sex is great. Intimacy and connection is even better, as someone with some sexual trauma I can say the trauma can make sex feel somewhat unsafe.
BUT……. if you're going to ctb I would just say, yes, try it. Do all the things. Try all the things before you go. Maybe it will bring you some joy.


Rating my first sexual experience as a hot child in the big city: 8
Total debauchery.
amazing.

 

[KillerIsMe]

I've never felt true intimacy with another person in my life. It's the main reason I'm going to kill myself; some people can live like this but not many.

I've gone to sex workers but it doesn't really count. I'd say it was a 4. it was worth it to have the experience of being body to body with someone, naked, like I'd always wanted, but it didn't do anything to fill the void that is making you want to ctb.

But try it, why not?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Sounds like you have some sexual trauma from your first spoiler. You want closeness, but not sure about sex? You could pay someone for cuddles perhaps.

My first time, I was pretty nervous. Also, my ex didn't understand consent rules and it was kind of a turn off. Later I warmed up to it though, overall it was good. Would be a 10 if he didn't go on his phone TWICE, now it's a 7.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

When I was younger I always knew I was different than other guys because I had a very low, almost non-existent sex drive.
I was able to have sex, yet wasn't any good at it and didn't really like it all that much. It always felt awkward and uncomfortable.
I didnt realise that I was asexual until I was in my late twenties. ruined relationships, yet I'm OK being alone now.
I do miss having someone to cuddle up to though, but that's about it.

 

[Meimi18]

Aroace here, I was pressured into my first time
Honestly, if you want the sensation, going solo works well
If you have money, sex workers are usually pretty understanding, no pressure to back out
Overall: it's a mixed bag

 

[アホペンギン]

As someone who has never felt any romantic feelings towards anyone as well as never feeling any sexual or romantic desires, I don't even think about doing anything concerning romance before I die because it won't benefit me and I have no desire to do such things let alone solely think about them.

You can do what you want before you ctb, no one should decide for you and if there's something that would benefit ypu that you're looking forward to doing, go ahead and do it.

 

[KillerIsMe]

Sounds like you have some sexual trauma from your first spoiler. You want closeness, but not sure about sex? You could pay someone for cuddles perhaps.

My first time, I was pretty nervous. Also, my ex didn't understand consent rules and it was kind of a turn off. Later I warmed up to it though, overall it was good. Would be a 10 if he didn't go on his phone TWICE, now it's a 7.

I've been experimenting with professional cuddlers and can offer some guidance if OP wants it. It's a great way to get at least a taste of intimacy. It can even become a friendship that is real in some ways if you see the same person for a few months, which makes the cuddles better. I genuinely feel more human after cuddling and less like a needy, desperate android.

Sorry about your troublesome first time.

 

[figurehead]

Personally, I don't think you're assexual.Being on tons of meds and depressive for absolutely ages have caused periods when I was assexual - that understood as not wanting to have sex, but still having a sexual preference.My 1st tie was cold and calculated. 6/10 I simply decided that it was time ti have sex, high time, in fact (I was 22) and so I chose the bloke and did it. Was it like stars bursting in the sky? No, but it made it possible it to do it with other people without the burden of being a "virgin"*he never knew btw). After that sometimes it wasn't great, sometimes it was fabulous. I'd go for it. It'd be a shame not-ever experienced it. It doesn't have to be with the love your life, just someone you have a connection with. Yes, go for it.

 

[Timelapse]

Thank you all for your replies. I've never had a platform to talk about stuff like this. It's good to have so many different input.

And sorry topics like this should be in off-topic.

I've never had sex because im not attractive.I don't believe asexuals exists, maybe you just don't like this kind of sex.I think sex(and having a partner) is a milestone in a person's life so I think one should try if he has the chance

I look like a bum most of the time (I let my patchy beard grow most times) yet people have told me I look "okay" at some points in my life. Looks are subjective. One's trash is another one's treasure.

And to reply to the "kind of sex", I enjoyed the whipping, I hated the kissing. And when she asked me to give oral. I stared at it... and stared... and stared... then left. I feel like they were trying to reproduce a porn scene and I wasn't into it... I need to feel a connection to the person, a call girl would be a waste.

I do enjoy these scenes in porn and so much more, but I can't tell if my fantasies are what I want in real life.
I mean, I enjoy Saw the series, but I wouldn't go around trapping people and torturing them. Yet, I root for the "bad guy" in these movies.

Sounds like you have some sexual trauma from your first spoiler. You want closeness, but not sure about sex? You could pay someone for cuddles perhaps.

My first time, I was pretty nervous. Also, my ex didn't understand consent rules and it was kind of a turn off. Later I warmed up to it though, overall it was good. Would be a 10 if he didn't go on his phone TWICE, now it's a 7.

I do want closeness. I'm only curious about sex, but I couldn't possibly pay for a GFE.

In a way, PA was my GFE. Without the cuddling. but we were getting there. We talked everyday. Went out to restaurants. I would watch her soccer games. We had BBQs in her backyard. Played with her feet at picnics. Last thing she bought me was a human leash, just before I found out she abused my trust 3 years prior and now I can't be around her without being reminded of the lack of respect she has for me.

I've been experimenting with professional cuddlers and can offer some guidance if OP wants it. It's a great way to get at least a taste of intimacy. It can even become a friendship that is real in some ways if you see the same person for a few months, which makes the cuddles better. I genuinely feel more human after cuddling and less like a needy, desperate android.

Sorry about your troublesome first time.

I do feel like a needy, desperate android. But random cuddles here and there wouldn't work until I built a relationship with said professional cuddlers. And you don't always click with everyone. Meeting me and knowing me are 2 different things. IRL I'm the strong silent type, until we start to spend lots of time together, then I'm a raging buffoon.

 

[R_N]

When I was younger I always knew I was different than other guys because I had a very low, almost non-existent sex drive.
I was able to have sex, yet wasn't any good at it and didn't really like it all that much. It always felt awkward and uncomfortable.
I didnt realise that I was asexual until I was in my late twenties. ruined relationships, yet I'm OK being alone now.
I do miss having someone to cuddle up to though, but that's about it.

Literally me. I could emotionally connect otherwise but sexual part never felt natural to me.

Although, I already said in another thread before that I don't miss other forms of "love" either because I open myself to being vulnerable like that. And I remember how attached to people I would get and get hurt. Remembering my past self brings disgust tbh. I am more comfortable not getting attached to people at all.

So in a way we are the same. I just adapted in a response to trauma differently. I became polar oposite of what I was in that sense I guess.

 

[higherthanthesun]

I feel like an odd ball here but I really do enjoy sex when it's with someone who genuinely cares about me.

Sex with people I don't know at all (like hookups) makes me feel like a prostitute. Thats just me though.

For me personally, when its with the right person, it can feel like magic. No pressure at all, but I would suggest giving it a shot before you head out.

All Love <3

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I've never had sex because im not attractive.I don't believe asexuals exists, maybe you just don't like this kind of sex.I think sex(and having a partner) is a milestone in a person's life so I think one should try if he has the chance

No, we do exist.

 

[pushinguppoppies]

I'm asexual and I have had sex, and have it regularly with my partner, and I wouldn't say you're missing out. Yes it's nice, yes it's a unique experience, but it's not necessary. If you're curious, maybe it's worth it for you! I was curious before my first time and it definitely broadened my understanding of the world. But don't feel like you have to. It's not as big a deal for asexuals as it is for allosexuals in my experience. I don't crave it, I don't think about it much, and it doesn't influence my life in any significant way.

I'm happy to elaborate on any of this if people are curious.