SoulWhisperer
Careless Soul « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 323
[P.S.: Kinda long introductory vent here, I think, I am quite hopeless.]
Here, I, am. I have heard stuff, and I decided to draw nearby here. It has been a long period of mental health decline in my life, several years of small traumas stacking on top of each other. So I decided to get comfortable here and try to learn how this site works before doing anything big. But one this is for sure: I am done with all, and almost nothing will heal me. So why not take a coffee cup and enjoy the fall of the last pieces of my life.
On my back I have the eternal stress of a school life, that the more it went on, the more it caused me to lose hope. Many years ago I had failed to persuade the path of my dream, life fulfillment. So I tried to go for a second chance, it gave me severe dissatisfaction, it wasn't what I wanted, and realistically I am too weak (mentally) to do anything. I am a useless little person that lives off delusions and hides from everything. Never have I been able to keep a promise I put on myself for my own sake. On my back; I have years of abuse. It was the main cause of my mental health decline, that made me realise how shitty my life was at that point. Have I tried to fix time? In my own way. Over the time I tried to speak to anyone about my issues, but nothing concrete ever came up, either my problems weren't taken seriously (most of the time, since my country seems to not believe in "mental health") or the outcome was just ludicrously and stupidly inefficient. I have talked to a therapist, psychologist, trusted ones, relatives, apparent friend (now I am literally alone on a beat that drifts towards the horizon); but nothing ever truly healed me. On top of that, the fact that I have been suppressed/rejected by my family and society for being (I hope) trans has contributed to an eternal amount of days spent dying inside slowly. No help.
My life as a whole is much more than this, with a lot ton more issues and shadings, but I don't feel like writing everything here now, especially because I am quite unfocused now. But if you're interested in my journey, I may post something else in the future. I wanted to test the waters for now. As I can't live a single, damned, day, without thinking about cbt. Maybe I'll post some weekly or frequent speculations about each aspect of my broken life, but my goal won't change. As I may use this as my final journal, my ultimate goal shall be to find a way to end all of this, I still have some time left to think about it, I have no rush, but it's a steady march towards the inevitable.
I am not okay, I never was, however, I am alive. I see myself as a plague for humanity, and I believe that I, as a weak person that in the world would only be used by others, should preemptively carry over the end before I could "blossom" (People would say I have a "life" ahead of me, as I'm still stuck with studying in school facilities, due to failed year stuff and etc) as it would give birth to a plateau de poisonous problems and suffering.
I don't have anything I want to live for, emphasis on "want", as it is my decision. I don't want anyone I know to feel "pity" for me, as I have learned by being born that this world just... Wasn't made for me, and that there is nothing to be sad about if I decide to simply disappear from this planet.
I wish I could talk endlessly, vent endlessly, without any filter or protection, about this, but I am cutting it here for today. Any tips on how to handle myself in the site, are there any things that seemed out of place for my first post? I hope nothing will go wrong with it, and I frankly don't want to bear with the results of a negative first impression. One last, kinda rhetorical question though: I do really wonder if it's true that humans lives can be broken by just falling down a 2nd or 3rd floor of a building.
For now this is the beginning of another end, as many others probably came before mine. May their souls rest in peace.
Here, I, am. I have heard stuff, and I decided to draw nearby here. It has been a long period of mental health decline in my life, several years of small traumas stacking on top of each other. So I decided to get comfortable here and try to learn how this site works before doing anything big. But one this is for sure: I am done with all, and almost nothing will heal me. So why not take a coffee cup and enjoy the fall of the last pieces of my life.
On my back I have the eternal stress of a school life, that the more it went on, the more it caused me to lose hope. Many years ago I had failed to persuade the path of my dream, life fulfillment. So I tried to go for a second chance, it gave me severe dissatisfaction, it wasn't what I wanted, and realistically I am too weak (mentally) to do anything. I am a useless little person that lives off delusions and hides from everything. Never have I been able to keep a promise I put on myself for my own sake. On my back; I have years of abuse. It was the main cause of my mental health decline, that made me realise how shitty my life was at that point. Have I tried to fix time? In my own way. Over the time I tried to speak to anyone about my issues, but nothing concrete ever came up, either my problems weren't taken seriously (most of the time, since my country seems to not believe in "mental health") or the outcome was just ludicrously and stupidly inefficient. I have talked to a therapist, psychologist, trusted ones, relatives, apparent friend (now I am literally alone on a beat that drifts towards the horizon); but nothing ever truly healed me. On top of that, the fact that I have been suppressed/rejected by my family and society for being (I hope) trans has contributed to an eternal amount of days spent dying inside slowly. No help.
My life as a whole is much more than this, with a lot ton more issues and shadings, but I don't feel like writing everything here now, especially because I am quite unfocused now. But if you're interested in my journey, I may post something else in the future. I wanted to test the waters for now. As I can't live a single, damned, day, without thinking about cbt. Maybe I'll post some weekly or frequent speculations about each aspect of my broken life, but my goal won't change. As I may use this as my final journal, my ultimate goal shall be to find a way to end all of this, I still have some time left to think about it, I have no rush, but it's a steady march towards the inevitable.
I am not okay, I never was, however, I am alive. I see myself as a plague for humanity, and I believe that I, as a weak person that in the world would only be used by others, should preemptively carry over the end before I could "blossom" (People would say I have a "life" ahead of me, as I'm still stuck with studying in school facilities, due to failed year stuff and etc) as it would give birth to a plateau de poisonous problems and suffering.
I don't have anything I want to live for, emphasis on "want", as it is my decision. I don't want anyone I know to feel "pity" for me, as I have learned by being born that this world just... Wasn't made for me, and that there is nothing to be sad about if I decide to simply disappear from this planet.
I wish I could talk endlessly, vent endlessly, without any filter or protection, about this, but I am cutting it here for today. Any tips on how to handle myself in the site, are there any things that seemed out of place for my first post? I hope nothing will go wrong with it, and I frankly don't want to bear with the results of a negative first impression. One last, kinda rhetorical question though: I do really wonder if it's true that humans lives can be broken by just falling down a 2nd or 3rd floor of a building.
For now this is the beginning of another end, as many others probably came before mine. May their souls rest in peace.
