Venting Been told I’m going to die soon

[xLosthopex]

So a few days ago I was in hospital for complications due to my severe anorexia, and I was told by doctors that I could literally go into cardiac arrest at any moment, this is due to chronic hypokalemia which is just getting progressively worse and I'm refusing to go back into inpatient treatment as I cannot cope with gaining weight, I don't want to recover from my eating disorder and I always end up inevitably relapsing anyway so it's pointless.

My eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive(mentally speaking) right now so I can't decide if I should just wait for this to kill me or ctb with my N which I bought last year...

I can see pros and cons with both of these methods
With N obviously it's considered the most peaceful of methods, but I have concerns about possibly vomiting(domperidone is the antiemetic I'd be using), and fucking up and being left a vegetable or something(although I've not heard of this happening in relation to N but it's still a fear I can't seem to shake), also having to overcome SI in order to drink it is another obstacle.... whereas if I just wait for my anorexia to kill me I won't have to overcome SI and I believe cardiac arrest is a pretty quick death too... but I also don't really like not being in control, if that makes sense, like I kind of want to determine exactly when I die

But as I said my eating disorder is really the only thing in my life that I'm living for at the moment, the enjoyment I get from losing weight/being skinny and the sick pleasure I get from binging and purging, also every time I think about drinking my N I think about how I want to get back down to my lowest weight so that when I die people will hopefully remember me that way (I know, eating disorders are messed up!)

I really don't know what to do... I hate being stuck in this constant limbo but I'm so indecisive

 

[Makko]

Maybe visit the Heart Attack Grill? The one with the 20 000 calorie cheeseburger? It's been popular around here lately.

Jokes aside, if I were you I'd ride it out until the finale. No reason not to. You already have a form of control. You're driving your body along a known road, and you know what's at the end.

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh dear, I wouldn't know what to do either if I were in your shoes. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I can do nothing but wish you the best and lots of love and peace.

Hope things get better somehow.

Hugs

 

[Death_the_kid]

Me too, i only eat once a day And drink in the morning just the moment i wake up AND then drink in the night just to pass out easely cause even with sleep pills its hard to me, i eat late at night just the moment when my alcohol runs out, then proceed to take the pills quickly And collapse in my bed before the food kicks in my system.

I grew such tolerance to alcohol that even with one meal taken in the afternoon, morning or wathever i dont have the same effect in my body from alcohol, then i cant sleep And the result Is a hellish night awake with my mind And all my demons. I smoke Like a train as well And i have one kidney damaged, my páncreas And my liver hurts all the Time, i know im going to die from cirrosis or some kind of cáncer but i keep doing this 24/7 anyway, i vomit blood And i cant heal well even the minimum scratch or cut leaves a horrible red malformed Scar, and im inmunodeficient Like if i have AIDS, i broke my knee recently just for walking And yes for a fight with my brother so im postrated in my bed, but enough of my shit my point was Is that i understand you and me neither knows if its better die this way or ctb, i live in a permanent state of sedation (alcohol) Like a terminal patient and my SI Is a bitch too, but i dont know how to live other way.

Send you so much love and I hope that everything improves for us or at least we find a sweet And peaceful dream.

 

[Arnie]

Sounds a very difficult situation for you.

Perhaps give it a little bit more time for the latest news to sink in, as you were only told this a few days ago, then things might be more clear for you.

Wishing you all the very best.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Without my booze addiction I'd be utterly lost.

 

[Shadowrider]

So a few days ago I was in hospital for complications due to my severe anorexia, and I was told by doctors that I could literally go into cardiac arrest at any moment, this is due to chronic hypokalemia which is just getting progressively worse and I'm refusing to go back into inpatient treatment as I cannot cope with gaining weight, I don't want to recover from my eating disorder and I always end up inevitably relapsing anyway so it's pointless.

My eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive(mentally speaking) right now so I can't decide if I should just wait for this to kill me or ctb with my N which I bought last year...

I can see pros and cons with both of these methods
With N obviously it's considered the most peaceful of methods, but I have concerns about possibly vomiting(domperidone is the antiemetic I'd be using), and fucking up and being left a vegetable or something(although I've not heard of this happening in relation to N but it's still a fear I can't seem to shake), also having to overcome SI in order to drink it is another obstacle.... whereas if I just wait for my anorexia to kill me I won't have to overcome SI and I believe cardiac arrest is a pretty quick death too... but I also don't really like not being in control, if that makes sense, like I kind of want to determine exactly when I die

But as I said my eating disorder is really the only thing in my life that I'm living for at the moment, the enjoyment I get from losing weight/being skinny and the sick pleasure I get from binging and purging, also every time I think about drinking my N I think about how I want to get back down to my lowest weight so that when I die people will hopefully remember me that way (I know, eating disorders are messed up!)

I really don't know what to do... I hate being stuck in this constant limbo but I'm so indecisive

I am in a very similar situation - haven't been hospitalized though, but I know I am risking my life. So I think I understand what you are going through.

I understand it's very hard - anorexia can be seen as an indirect suicide. You basically distract yourself from the painful thoughts by literally wasting yourself away. My suicidal thoughts always get more intensive when I don't do any of the crazy dieting behaviour!

However, I would rather you not do it. Of course I am not trying to push the shiny-happy do-gooder thing here - I have some other reasons for saying it would be worth to try what you can.
My experiences show that people with severe eating disorders are the most caring, conscious, intelligent and sensible ones one can meet. I don't know you too well - apart from your forum activity -, but for me it's pretty obvious that your death would be a loss. A severe one. I know this is not enough motivation, but... maybe it's worth considering?

Your life is in danger. I understand your apathy - I am experiencing this apathy very often. My heart could just stop at any time. Who cares. I have probably damaged my kidneys very badly by living mostly on black coffee and an insane amount of green tea. Who cares. I am more vulnerable to any given infection than a "normal" person would be. Who cares.

Your ED gives some meaning to your life. I do understand this - ED can be a resource of success - at least the illusion of succeeding in something, ED can be a resource of enjoyment (sometimes I would compensate for my "binges" beforehand) and so many more things.

I don't want to be pushy or anything, but I wonder if you could imagine any other things that could give you happiness or fulfillment?
Anything else to keep you alive or to make you want to stay alive, other than your ED passions? (Since you are posting about being in a dilemma, I assume you are maybe not 10000000% determined yet... this is why I dare to ask.)

 

[Bat 17]

Has your ED been on a downward trajectory ? Do you think you have been intending to put your life in danger? (Sorry for clumsy phrasing)

I'd vote against the N. Sounds like it might be an accident waiting to happen. Sorry that all this is happening to you !

 

[xLosthopex]

Has your ED been on a downward trajectory ? Do you think you have been intending to put your life in danger? (Sorry for clumsy phrasing)

I'd vote against the N. Sounds like it might be an accident waiting to happen. Sorry that all this is happening to you !

well I've had my ED for 10 years now and I've gone through periods where it's been better/worse but over the past year since I made the decision to ctb it's gotten very bad again

 

[Bat 17]

What helps your ED get better? Ok, wishing to CTB won't do that! I've also heard that inpatient ED units can make things worse too. But what makes things improve ?

Are you set on CTB? You come across as very smart and it will be a shame!

 

[Shadowrider]

More than 14 and soon 15 years here. So I can definitely see why you are getting tired of it.

 

[xLosthopex]

Oh just to clarify my ED isn't my reason for wanting to ctb, it seems some people here are confused about that... but I would still have made the decision to ctb whether I was anorexic or not

 

[Octavina]

I was in hospital last month for low potassium, I was on a drip for 17 hours, I was alone and my mum couldn't visit me because covid. I like damaging my body and the control of the numbers. I understand how you feel

 

[bad luck]

I had a friend who died of anorexia. It seems to affect the heart. Very sorry

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

I'm sorry for your pain @xLosthopex. I hope you can die your own way. If I were you, I think I'd go with anorexia. Even though you literally control your own way with N, I think anorexia is in some ways, more control than N.
I wish I was about to die from an illness.
Thanks for sharing your story.