Saai
Member
- Mar 20, 2023
- 22
Recently I've been having more regular thoughts about how I don't really want to be here.
I'm nearing the point in my life where I've almost finished my studies and I'll have to get going on allot of the more nitty-gritty details of adult life. I'll have to find a job with my degree, find my own place to live and basically get my life started. This might seem exciting to most people my age but to be truthful, I'm not looking forward to any of it.
For as long as I can remember people have been painting a picture of how life is supposed to go. You study hard, to work hard, to make money, so you can have a good life then die. But I have allot of doubts surrounding whether or not I can pull this off. Or weather or not it will actually be as rewarding as everyone makes it out to be.
The whole thing seems like more effort then it's worth. I feel like I was simply thrusted into life not knowing why or how, and then fed this narrative of what it's all supposed to mean.
When I have to face any stressful or unpleasant situation I find myself just wishing that I didn't have to deal with any of this.
I want to simply dissappear of the face of the earth.
Sure I have desires, goals and ambitions, but they feel more like burdens. If I didn't exists then I would not have to want anything.
Not having anything to strive towards and no consequences to avoid seems like the ultimate peace. Sure you can't know peace when you're no longer conscious, but it's not like it would matter. Nothing would matter anymore. You wouldn't need to cry or get angry. No more embarrassment or shame. No more yearning for happiness or love. No more loneliness. No more unanswered questions and compromising. No more coping or trying.
Just nothing.
At the same time though the act of taking one's own life seem so... brutal. I'm not entirely sure I'd be able to go through with it, despite me having already tried and failed.
Why does everything need to be so complicated. Why can't I just stop.
I'm nearing the point in my life where I've almost finished my studies and I'll have to get going on allot of the more nitty-gritty details of adult life. I'll have to find a job with my degree, find my own place to live and basically get my life started. This might seem exciting to most people my age but to be truthful, I'm not looking forward to any of it.
For as long as I can remember people have been painting a picture of how life is supposed to go. You study hard, to work hard, to make money, so you can have a good life then die. But I have allot of doubts surrounding whether or not I can pull this off. Or weather or not it will actually be as rewarding as everyone makes it out to be.
The whole thing seems like more effort then it's worth. I feel like I was simply thrusted into life not knowing why or how, and then fed this narrative of what it's all supposed to mean.
When I have to face any stressful or unpleasant situation I find myself just wishing that I didn't have to deal with any of this.
I want to simply dissappear of the face of the earth.
Sure I have desires, goals and ambitions, but they feel more like burdens. If I didn't exists then I would not have to want anything.
Not having anything to strive towards and no consequences to avoid seems like the ultimate peace. Sure you can't know peace when you're no longer conscious, but it's not like it would matter. Nothing would matter anymore. You wouldn't need to cry or get angry. No more embarrassment or shame. No more yearning for happiness or love. No more loneliness. No more unanswered questions and compromising. No more coping or trying.
Just nothing.
At the same time though the act of taking one's own life seem so... brutal. I'm not entirely sure I'd be able to go through with it, despite me having already tried and failed.
Why does everything need to be so complicated. Why can't I just stop.
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