Been suffering from lots of issues, but found a really powerful quote that managed to sooth me and give me some interesting direction of thought

[paredler]

I suffer from PTSD, ideological su!cidality and constant psychological deficiency that leads to addiction and chronic fear of stress. I have a very low pain threshold, and it's hard for me mentally to do things that seem simple to you. I always need to seek pleasure to motivate myself to do things I don't want to do. When I get to go to work, I masturbate in bed, so the pleasure of masturbation drives me to get up and get ready. At work I drink lots of coffee so the taste in my mouth motivates me to do the tasks. When I cook or wash the dishes, I listen to music. It's like that with everything. I have no self discipline, enduring pain only leads me to more harmful behavior in the long run. Lately, I started to envy other guys who have self discipline and manage to work, study and take care of their body. They enjoy all their achievements, they get socially rewarded with money, prestige, respect and sex. I'm very undesirable, I don't make that much money, and now, I even after a diet, I still have a tummy. I can't work out because I psychologically can't maintain a training session, and even though I don't eat sugar (lost 16 pounds in 2 months), I still emotionally eat.

Today I found a beautiful Youtube video that says that even those successful guys I envy are not the highest beings on earth. They're still very much flawed by desiring stuff. Even if you reach the point where you get anything you want all the time, life becomes very boring and depressing. "What do I want now?" You just keep chasing your own tale forever. The video says:

A perfect being doesn't desire anything, and when you don't desire anything anymore, you're dead. If you don't desire anything, you'll automatically be thrown out of life, so perfection itself is dead. God is dead. If god is perfect he is dead, that's why he doesn't exist. The most intelligent beings in the universe don't exist. They;re dead, because perfect intelligence only desires desirelessness, it doesn't desire to control the universe.

This is the Youtube video

It really puts everything in proportion. Like, yeah, these muscular tech mughals are probably having their time of their lives, but not really, they're just chasing hedonistic pleasure without anything greater beyond. The highest level of being on earth doesn't know what to do with itself, so it only seeks pleasure after pleasure. It's like a need machine that always has to be fed. That's not really what I expected life to be. I expected life to be an interesting beautiful journey with lots of meaning, but turns out life is survival for most of us and degenrate hedonistic pleasure for the "lucky ones".

At times when I feel envy, I will remember this video and it'll help me get through the day..