Anxieyote
Sobriety over everything else • 30 • Midwest
- Mar 24, 2021
- 445
Sometimes it takes awhile, and you may not notice it while it's happening, but I've noticed that I'm becoming kind of ugly on the inside.
I don't have an official diagnosis, but I've suspected for awhile that I have BPD. I go from needing someone desperately, to being indifferent towards them the next day.
It's a terrible quality to have when it comes to forming friendships or relationships. No one trusts you, and their faith in you slowly dissolves when they realize how inconsistent you are. Going from the emotional range of a brick wall, to an unstoppable tornado of feelings at the drop of a hat.
It may not always be obvious when speaking to me, but a partner or friend is going to pick up on that kind of thing.
My alcohol addiction only exacerbates these wild swings, and even online friends are able to pick up on the fact that I'm drunk if I haven't spoken to them for weeks, and then treat them like my best friend out of the blue.
I look at myself and ask, "Would I want a friend like that?" and the answer is a pretty solid "No." It sounds like a person like that could hurt me a lot, and friends have expressed how frustrated and upset they've gotten with me over how sporadic I've been with contacting them. Expressing how much I care about them one day, to ghosting them the next. A person like that is a liability.
My self-hatred has ramped up a lot because of this. Despising these qualities turns into despising myself. I want to go into my brain with tools and "fix it" somehow so that I can be a better person who is easier to like and be around.
I don't have an official diagnosis, but I've suspected for awhile that I have BPD. I go from needing someone desperately, to being indifferent towards them the next day.
It's a terrible quality to have when it comes to forming friendships or relationships. No one trusts you, and their faith in you slowly dissolves when they realize how inconsistent you are. Going from the emotional range of a brick wall, to an unstoppable tornado of feelings at the drop of a hat.
It may not always be obvious when speaking to me, but a partner or friend is going to pick up on that kind of thing.
My alcohol addiction only exacerbates these wild swings, and even online friends are able to pick up on the fact that I'm drunk if I haven't spoken to them for weeks, and then treat them like my best friend out of the blue.
I look at myself and ask, "Would I want a friend like that?" and the answer is a pretty solid "No." It sounds like a person like that could hurt me a lot, and friends have expressed how frustrated and upset they've gotten with me over how sporadic I've been with contacting them. Expressing how much I care about them one day, to ghosting them the next. A person like that is a liability.
My self-hatred has ramped up a lot because of this. Despising these qualities turns into despising myself. I want to go into my brain with tools and "fix it" somehow so that I can be a better person who is easier to like and be around.