Becoming comfortable with CTB.

[WAITING TO DIE]

Ive been thinking of dying for most of the day now during the past few weeks, and it's the only thing that makes life bearable.
It's taken a long time to eventually reach the point where I'm now at , that I'm completely at peace with the thought of ending my existence.
I've been suicidal many times in the past, yet have always been fearful of ctb.
But now there's been a major shift in my feelings and thoughts and i've finally reached a point of complete acceptance, because my fear of living has become much stronger than my fear of death, and the only way forward is to just let go and get on with it sometime soon.
I'm approaching things differently now as regards thinking patterns: I refuse to think about things such as " do we have a soul, or is there an afterlife etc ? ".
These thoughts are pointless because they just create problems and we can't control what happens after we die anyway.
Also I think that suicide can only be a good thing because suicide is the only means we have to voluntarily end our unbearable suffering, and the ending of suffering can only be a good thing, even though we have to resort to unpleasant means to do so.
And as far as loved ones go, it's something else I'm not going to worry about anymore because if they truly care about us then they will realise that we must have been suffering an enormous amount of emotional pain to be driven to such desperate measures, and accept that we had no other options left to end our suffering.
As far as the act of dying goes, I feel like a kid who's ready to take a ride in a spaceship, and more exited than fearful to be taking a monumental ride into unknown territory.

 

[sad_rock]

CTB has also been growing comfort in my mind. being alive in this realm is so imprisoning- i feel obligated to be grateful for existing despite my failing mind. my soul feels trapped in my body and dying is how i will finally be free. i daydream of dying a lot nowadays. the knowledge of death comforts me. its calming nature brings no fear despite it being an unknown realm. its strange how often i welcome death into my arms more than life itself.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

CTB has also been growing comfort in my mind. being alive in this realm is so imprisoning- i feel obligated to be grateful for existing despite my failing mind. my soul feels trapped in my body and dying is how i will finally be free. i daydream of dying a lot nowadays. the knowledge of death comforts me. its calming nature brings no fear despite it being an unknown realm. its strange how often i welcome death into my arms more than life itself.

Yes. There's a beautiful comfort to be found in the knowledge of death as our sweet release from suffering.
And that we always have this option of escaping this existence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel like this too. I think mentally, I'm very comfortable with the idea. Excited even. I'm stuck though- until my Dad goes first. I keep toying with how quickly I could do it afterwards. I can't wait to be rid of this life. It scares me still that I won't do it but, the thought of seeing a (suspected) narcissist again might just be the push I need. Maybe I should be grateful to them. Ironic really- they were the reason I became suicidal to begin with. My motives are different now but I still feel like it's my best option. Ironic that they could well be the trigger I need. Guess there's a symmetry there. I hope we feel this peaceful and determind at the end.

 

[dopaminedeath]

If you don't mind me asking, are you taking psych meds?

You must post here a lot in such a short time. No wonder.. suicide is on your mind

Do you have access to a preferred method?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

If you don't mind me asking, are you taking psych meds?

You must post here a lot in such a short time. No wonder.. suicide is on your mind

Do you have access to a preferred method?

No meds don't work for me. I've been suffering from persistent, untreatable depression for a couple of decades now .
I Have zero interest in living anymore, even if I won the lottery I'd have no interest in living.
I'm either jumping or using carbon monoxide method, in case I don't feel well enough to travel to beachy head.
Even before I came onto this site never a day went by when I didnt think of suicide.
Yet now I no longer fear the actual act of ctb anymore and am confident that it is inevitable.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I know some parts of your story what you've revealed in posts. A honorable suicide is always the best option when all other options have been taken. It's sad that life brought you to this point but you seem to be in peace with your decision.

I also think about my CTB plan everyday and my stuff is ready but yet as much as I want to leave and be dead bc that'd be better there's still a big part of me that stops me among other things. I never really thought about afterlife and such I don't feel fear when I think about death and CTB it#s more a false feeling of FOMO of life which is actually ridiculous bc there's nothing to miss in life.

 

[dopaminedeath]

if I won the lottery I'd have no interest in living.

A teeny tiny bit?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I feel like this too. I think mentally, I'm very comfortable with the idea. Excited even. I'm stuck though- until my Dad goes first. I keep toying with how quickly I could do it afterwards. I can't wait to be rid of this life. It scares me still that I won't do it but, the thought of seeing a (suspected) narcissist again might just be the push I need. Maybe I should be grateful to them. Ironic really- they were the reason I became suicidal to begin with. My motives are different now but I still feel like it's my best option. Ironic that they could well be the trigger I need. Guess there's a symmetry there. I hope we feel this peaceful and determind at the end.

I'm happy for you that you've reached that stage of comfort, yet also sorry that life has been unkind to you.
Its awful that you encountered a narcissist, my mother was one of these dreadful creatures and they really are a nightmare to deal with.
Yet I wish you a determined and peaceful end to this existence when your time finally comes.

A teeny tiny bit?

Seriously no, I really am that far gone now. Crazy yet true.

I know some parts of your story what you've revealed in posts. A honorable suicide is always the best option when all other options have been taken. It's sad that life brought you to this point but you seem to be in peace with your decision.

I also think about my CTB plan everyday and my stuff is ready but yet as much as I want to leave and be dead bc that'd be better there's still a big part of me that stops me among other things. I never really thought about afterlife and such I don't feel fear when I think about death and CTB it#s more a false feeling of FOMO of life which is actually ridiculous bc there's nothing to miss in life.Th

Its good that you have your method ready for when you finally need it.
I know a lot of people derive comfort from having a means of escape at the ready when the time finally comes.

 

[gbi2]

I said to someone a week or so ago that if I think about coming into loads of money it wouldn't even help now You've been in depression for longer than me so you might not even remember a time when you would ask people what they would do if they won the lottery. First I would say buy a big car, house and so on, then as I got older I would start an anti-bullying charity or something like that but now I just think there is nothing I would want to do with the money. There is no point to doing anything. I can't see anything changing that.

A teeny tiny bit?

Money doesn't fix depression. Depression is an illness, not just someone feeling bored.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I said to someone a week or so ago that if I think about coming into loads of money it wouldn't even help now You've been in depression for longer than me so you might not even remember a time when you would ask people what they would do if they won the lottery. First I would say buy a big car, house and so on, then as I got older I would start an anti-bullying charity or something like that but now I just think there is nothing I would want to do with the money. There is no point to doing anything. I can't see anything changing that.



Money doesn't fix depression. Depression is an illness, not just someone feeling bored.

I said to someone a week or so ago that if I think about coming into loads of money it wouldn't even help now You've been in depression for longer than me so you might not even remember a time when you would ask people what they would do if they won the lottery. First I would say buy a big car, house and so on, then as I got older I would start an anti-bullying charity or something like that but now I just think there is nothing I would want to do with the money. There is no point to doing anything. I can't see anything changing that.



Money doesn't fix depression. Depression is an illness, not just someone feeling bored.

Sorry you're going through this too and I can definitely relate with seeing the pointlessness of doing things, and of things that were once considered desirable losing their meaning.

I said to someone a week or so ago that if I think about coming into loads of money it wouldn't even help now You've been in depression for longer than me so you might not even remember a time when you would ask people what they would do if they won the lottery. First I would say buy a big car, house and so on, then as I got older I would start an anti-bullying charity or something like that but now I just think there is nothing I would want to do with the money. There is no point to doing anything. I can't see anything changing that.



Money doesn't fix depression. Depression is an illness, not just someone feeling bored.

Thanks for the videos.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I hope you don't mind me saying you are one of the few regulars on here that I really connect with. We are of the same mindset, method, and time frame for attempting. I will be sad to see you go if I am still here. Never happy that it has come to this.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I hope you don't mind me saying you are one of the few regulars on here that I really connect with. We are of the same mindset, method, and time frame for attempting. I will be sad to see you go if I am still here. Never happy that it has come to this.

Yeah, I've thought exactly the same thing too.
It's kinda strange that we can meet people who we can connect with on such a thing as a suicide forum of all things.
I'll be sad to see you go too to whenever the time comes.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be a relief feeling so at peace, I wish you the best and I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering when the time is right.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

sorry, i've been drinking so much after my last failed attempt so i could not read everything. title says comfortable? i watched a guy on youtube sitting with dogs in a kennel for hours. that relaxed me enough to try.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

It must be a relief feeling so at peace, I wish you the best and I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering when the time is right.

I hope you find this peace one day too FC. You certainly deserve peace because I know how much you despise existence.

sorry, i've been drinking so much after my last failed attempt so i could not read everything. title says comfortable? i watched a guy on youtube sitting with dogs in a kennel for hours. that relaxed me enough to try.

Yeah I remember what happened on your last attempt, I'm thinking of the charcoal method too, yet I remember you saying the heat was unbearable. Sorry you had a rough time attempting. It's a pity we can't have access to better methods.

 

[tiger b]

Ive been thinking of dying for most of the day now during the past few weeks, and it's the only thing that makes life bearable.
It's taken a long time to eventually reach the point where I'm now at , that I'm completely at peace with the thought of ending my existence.
I've been suicidal many times in the past, yet have always been fearful of ctb.
But now there's been a major shift in my feelings and thoughts and i've finally reached a point of complete acceptance, because my fear of living has become much stronger than my fear of death, and the only way forward is to just let go and get on with it sometime soon.
I'm approaching things differently now as regards thinking patterns: I refuse to think about things such as " do we have a soul, or is there an afterlife etc ? ".
These thoughts are pointless because they just create problems and we can't control what happens after we die anyway.
Also I think that suicide can only be a good thing because suicide is the only means we have to voluntarily end our unbearable suffering, and the ending of suffering can only be a good thing, even though we have to resort to unpleasant means to do so.
And as far as loved ones go, it's something else I'm not going to worry about anymore because if they truly care about us then they will realise that we must have been suffering an enormous amount of emotional pain to be driven to such desperate measures, and accept that we had no other options left to end our suffering.
As far as the act of dying goes, I feel like a kid who's ready to take a ride in a spaceship, and more exited than fearful to be taking a monumental ride into unknown territory.

If you are at peace then I'm really happy for you. What you've had to endure, especially in your childhood, has utterly disgusted me and made me angry. I know life is unfair...but fuck sake man.

Going out on your terms...great.

Maybe we can have a pm chat sometime before you depart. Regardless, all the best and more.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

If you are at peace then I'm really happy for you. What you've had to endure, especially in your childhood, has utterly disgusted me and made me angry. I know life is unfair...but fuck sake man.

Going out on your terms...great.

Maybe we can have a pm chat sometime before you depart. Regardless, all the best and more.

Thanks tiger. That's really nice of you. I'll definitely have a chat before I go.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Money doesn't fix depression. Depression is an illness, not just someone feeling bored.

Actually money problems are causing my depression, depressive episodes and CTB thoughts and active plan. But what's true is that if those depressive episodes can't be fixed early and quick enough they become chronic then money can't fix depression and many other diseases.

 

[user56765567]

I wish you the best as well and hope things go smoothly and that you're able to find what you're looking for/need on the other side whenever that time comes.

 

[tiger b]

You still looking at January or think sooner now? If you don't want to discuss that now, no worries.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Actually money problems are causing my depression, depressive episodes and CTB thoughts and active plan. But what's true is that if those depressive episodes can't be fixed early and quick enough they become chronic then money can't fix depression and many other diseases.

They say Money is the root of all evil.
Yet I wonder if the saying should actually read " The LACK of Money is the root of all evil " because it causes so much misery in the world.
I hope you can find a way out of this financial situation before depression becomes worse.

 

[tiger b]

Radix malorum est cupiditas

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

You still looking at January or think sooner now? If you don't want to discuss that now, no worries.

Yeah still January by the looks of it. I'm set on a date but not rushing impulsively. Just got a few things to get in order first and get Xmas and new year over with.
I'll have a goodbye chat before I go, and say goodbye to everyone.

Radix malorum est cupiditas

Radix malorum est cupiditas

I'm thick so I just had to Google this. " The root of evil is greed ".
I couldn't agree more.

 

[Golden]

I relate to you. Knowing that I don't have to live for a long time anymore is comforting. Dying is the only thing I'm looking forward to, that's the thought that keeps me sane at the moment.

About money - as a pretty wealthy person myself, my experience is that it's very clear that earning money didn't stop me from being suicidal. Surely I would suffer even more if I didn't have money but if money is all you have, you have pretty much nothing in my opinion

 

[Fire]

I envy the feeling of comfort that comes along with wanting to ctb. I only relate to the idea of it always being an option for me, although i have felt this way for so long that thinking that way has made me give up on many different avenues of life. i'm curious what will be the final straw for me.. i've thought many different occurrences have been the final straw but here i am.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I relate to you. Knowing that I don't have to live for a long time anymore is comforting. Dying is the only thing I'm looking forward to, that's the thought that keeps me sane at the moment.

About money - as a pretty wealthy person myself, my experience is that it's very clear that earning money didn't stop me from being suicidal. Surely I would suffer even more if I didn't have money but if money is all you have, you have pretty much nothing in my opinion

Yeah, it's a nice feeling knowing you have an expiry date, and having the comfort that it brings.
I honestly couldn't imagine not having the option of fast - forwarding life to its ultimate conclusion.
It's the only thing that keeps me sane too.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Radix malorum est cupiditas

Ita est. Placetne tibi lingua Latina? Linguam Latinam simplicem scribere possum et tu?

 

[tiger b]

Ita est. Placetne tibi lingua Latina? Linguam Latinam simplicem scribere possum et tu?

Um plasticine tibia longtime?

That Radix phrase...That's the only Latin I know. I just remember it from a lesson on Chaucer, Canterbury Tales. I hated it - the book, not the language.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Um plasticine tibia longtime?

That Radix phrase...That's the only Latin I know. I just remember it from a lesson on Chaucer, Canterbury Tales. I hated it.

I said: yes. it is. Do you like Latin? I can write simple Latin and you?

I like Latin it's a beautiful language. OK no prob, just asking when people here use Latin phrases.