TL;DR : Diminishing mental capacity while fighting the ego-syntonic inner critic. Below is just vent
It's been almost 2 years since I joined here.
(The exact date has to do with another topic to discuss in near future)
Yet here I am back again, still on this side of the forum.
I've tried. Mostly for recovery, sometimes for the other. And I attended therapy for a considerable time. Well things never sufficiently changed. I assume my efforts were not enough.
Not really getting anywhere from the comfort zone. All the struggle just to cycle round and around, becoming weaker and weaker each year. Always ending up at the familiar place where I am forced to play the pathetic outcast.
Some kind-hearted people said that I've got better. That I've become much more natural around others.
But, at what cost?
Every piece of my youth perished, except for the ones which should never have existed in the first place.
After years of low self-esteem, broken fantasies, now I no longer have passion to study for any particular major. I don't browse international journals in spare time like I used to do. Thinking has become too much of a pain. Cannot win strategy games at once. Add memory games to the list today.
Grades plummeting, scholarship in danger.
All the background anxiety from even thinking of trying anything, especially socializing, certainly helped neither.
It made me freeze like a corpse on mt.Everest, for each opportunity and some free time.
I am no longer ahead of my peers in terms of either academic knowledge or trivia.
I also didn't spend enough time on hobbies to get better at one. No artwork created, no essay posted. Always same clothes.
Even my English has been worsened. As you can see right here. I'm sorry.
Turns out it was not worth it at all.
At the end, I revisit the same position where I started. The freak.
It looks like an ongoing improvement at a distance. In reality, I have never been accepted as an organic component of any group. You know that one person who does not have the friendship bracelet.
Only similar freaks constantly look for their new members. No thanks, I believe the Earth is round. This also applies to romantic relationship. No wonder I am still a virgin.
Sure, all the time had been wasted mindlessly browsing internet while struggling to figure out the most basic daily hassles. I know I have to face the consequences.
Maybe actually try to get better.
Wait, isn't that the very problem I've constantly had to deal with? That I am practically unable to escape from the established patterns?
That's it. The Loop of Crippling Indecision. I should have offed myself already. If anyone has a realistic suggestion for recovery, the discussion will be continued on the recovery forum. Until then this post stays here. These days I don't have any idea other than doing the irreversible.
Even writing this post gave me deep shame and anxiety. This post alone almost makes my previous ones completely discredited. Moreover I can't stop thinking about that wrong prefix and accidentally posted draft...
It's been almost 2 years since I joined here.
(The exact date has to do with another topic to discuss in near future)
Yet here I am back again, still on this side of the forum.
I've tried. Mostly for recovery, sometimes for the other. And I attended therapy for a considerable time. Well things never sufficiently changed. I assume my efforts were not enough.
Not really getting anywhere from the comfort zone. All the struggle just to cycle round and around, becoming weaker and weaker each year. Always ending up at the familiar place where I am forced to play the pathetic outcast.
Some kind-hearted people said that I've got better. That I've become much more natural around others.
But, at what cost?
Every piece of my youth perished, except for the ones which should never have existed in the first place.
After years of low self-esteem, broken fantasies, now I no longer have passion to study for any particular major. I don't browse international journals in spare time like I used to do. Thinking has become too much of a pain. Cannot win strategy games at once. Add memory games to the list today.
Grades plummeting, scholarship in danger.
All the background anxiety from even thinking of trying anything, especially socializing, certainly helped neither.
It made me freeze like a corpse on mt.Everest, for each opportunity and some free time.
I am no longer ahead of my peers in terms of either academic knowledge or trivia.
I also didn't spend enough time on hobbies to get better at one. No artwork created, no essay posted. Always same clothes.
Even my English has been worsened. As you can see right here. I'm sorry.
Turns out it was not worth it at all.
At the end, I revisit the same position where I started. The freak.
It looks like an ongoing improvement at a distance. In reality, I have never been accepted as an organic component of any group. You know that one person who does not have the friendship bracelet.
Only similar freaks constantly look for their new members. No thanks, I believe the Earth is round. This also applies to romantic relationship. No wonder I am still a virgin.
Sure, all the time had been wasted mindlessly browsing internet while struggling to figure out the most basic daily hassles. I know I have to face the consequences.
Maybe actually try to get better.
Wait, isn't that the very problem I've constantly had to deal with? That I am practically unable to escape from the established patterns?
That's it. The Loop of Crippling Indecision. I should have offed myself already. If anyone has a realistic suggestion for recovery, the discussion will be continued on the recovery forum. Until then this post stays here. These days I don't have any idea other than doing the irreversible.
Even writing this post gave me deep shame and anxiety. This post alone almost makes my previous ones completely discredited. Moreover I can't stop thinking about that wrong prefix and accidentally posted draft...
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