Venting beauty standards and self loathing

[Okokaykay]

(This is quite long and fueled by a lot of self hatred- I'm so sorry lol)

I am a woman, so I can only speak from a woman's perspective-
But seeing how people are treated based on how conventionally attractive they are makes me feel so bleak. There are constant trends where we monitor our body online, where people film themselves from every angle just to see how others view them. ("Doe eye" vs "siren eye" "Film how you look when you walk from behind!" There are so many body checking trends.)


Every day feels like a fucking performance. Even in my own room I worry that what im doing isn't pretty enough. From the way I sit, to the clothes I wear- I feel like I'm supposed to be appealing at all times.

And this feeling is only elevated by how I constantly see people speak of eachother. The chubbier girls in my class get laughed at, another girl got mocked for having clumpy mascara. All these small situations add up over time and I can't wrap my head around how any of it even matters at all.

I'm so sick of feeling like I cant experience anything good until I'm "pretty enough." I'm so tired of having to cover mirrors because I feel my body looks different every single day. I've had this stupid eating disorder since I was 14 and my body feels as if it's giving up on me- I love those around me, I love how beautiful things can be, but I hate that I feel I can't ever be a part of it simply because I'm so sick of myself.

 

[R_N]

It got worse because of social media over the years but people were probably shallow since forever.

 

[Okokaykay]

It got worse because of social media over the years but people were probably shallow since forever.

yeah it's most definitely always been a thing. i just hate that everything is so surface level- even if you are conventionally beautiful, its such a flimsy thing that doesn't last forever.

 

[deadtomorrow]

I understand because i'm a genetic abomination. You are just lucky you are not a man because it's 1 billion times worse for us.
How you look is very important, probably the most important thing for all humans.

 

[Okokaykay]

I understand because i'm a genetic abomination. You are just lucky you are not a man because it's 1 billion times worse for us.
How you look is very important, probably the most important thing for all humans.

Can I ask what it's like for men? I dont think I can compare either at all, since I dont really know what I haven't lived, but I'm curious.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Looksism definitely depresses me a lot.

Can I ask what it's like for men? I dont think I can compare either at all, since I dont really know what I haven't lived, but I'm curious.

For one thing being short is very difficult. You are subjected to bucketloads of judgment constantly and it's very tiring to have to cultivate a thick skin all the time.

That person's statement is pretty hyperbolic even saying that as an average (at best) looking AMAB. But men who don't meet certain standards do struggle in ways that aren't always appreciated.

 

[deadtomorrow]

Can I ask what it's like for men? I dont think I can compare either at all, since I dont really know what I haven't lived, but I'm curious.

Absolute living hell.
Combine it with autism and other mental illnesses and you're doomed for life. Now aside from having no dating life you also will have no social life
Aside from the fact women with mental illnesses are often fetishized and so are ugly women.
Ugly men have to break bones to look good and sometimes still never make it, ugly women can use makeup and good clothes.
Even if they don't do that, they can still get partners, because 20 desperate men are always sitting in the corner waiting for their chance.
Short women are hot, short men are not.
A woman can go on tinder, with NO PICTURES and still get 20 matches minimum.
Because of desperate men and men who fuck anything they see, women's self esteem have risen through the roof which made it even worse for us.
There are multiple other things as well, this is just the surface. If i could choose to have been born an ugly woman i would 100%.

 

[R_N]

Can I ask what it's like for men? I dont think I can compare either at all, since I dont really know what I haven't lived, but I'm curious.

It is not just looks for men imo. Looks aren't actually super important when men become adults. Social proof/being known and wealth becomes crucial later on and you have to be desired by women in general if you want to keep a girl.

As a young guy (teen) you can get away with looks but later on you need more than that. Most men can't really compete nowdays and I feel sorry for them. With social media everyone is competing with everyone basically which rendered most men undesirable.

 

[Okokaykay]

Absolute living hell.
Combine it with autism and other mental illnesses and you're doomed for life. Now aside from having no dating life you also will have no social life
Aside from the fact women with mental illnesses are often fetishized and so are ugly women.
Ugly men have to break bones to look good and sometimes still never make it, ugly women can use makeup and good clothes.
Even if they don't do that, they can still get partners, because 20 desperate men are always sitting in the corner waiting for their chance.
Short women are hot, short men are not.
A woman can go on tinder, with NO PICTURES and still get 20 matches minimum.
Because of desperate men and men who fuck anything they see, women's self esteem have risen through the roof which made it even worse for us.
There are multiple other things as well, this is just the surface. If i could choose to have been born an ugly woman i would 100%.

i will say there's a lot of things i disagree with here, specifically about women having countless options- I really dont want this thread to be about comparing experiences.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello everyone.
I am going to speak only from an adult point of view and as a man. From my perspective I am not physically attracted to the established canons of beauty and I have my own preferences, likewise I do not look down on women because I think sincerely and I already know that also each of them has their own tastes obviously. Logically you have to dress well in conjunction with your own age, a little self-care and grooming of course.
Making this clear, when someone reaches a certain maturity, whether male or female, this person is already looking at what really matters and this is the personality, the heart of the other person, if the love is reciprocal and if there is a special connection between the two. Also on the goals you can achieve together.

This is the way it is but don't expect any of this with immature and eternal teenagers, because you'll get high school worthy nonsense, if you're looking for something serious you'll have to grow up and enter the adult world for once.

 

[RichardFirst]

I don't pretend to know what it's like for women, but I can assure anyone reading this that this is not exclusive to females. Below average men (in terms of looks) are virtually invisible. If you join Tinder as a sub-5, you will likely get no matches whatsoever. Even men who are 7-8 out of 10 do not get much attention. The dynamics of mating and dating for males is very, very heavily weighted towards the top percentage of men.

Furthermore, there is very little sympathy for men who have been deal a poor hand in terms of looks and status. The term "incel" is thrown at these poor souls, and they are treated with utter contempt by this sick conglomeration of individuals that we call "society".

 

[lycheeginger]

Absolute living hell.
Combine it with autism and other mental illnesses and you're doomed for life. Now aside from having no dating life you also will have no social life
Aside from the fact women with mental illnesses are often fetishized and so are ugly women.
Ugly men have to break bones to look good and sometimes still never make it, ugly women can use makeup and good clothes.
Even if they don't do that, they can still get partners, because 20 desperate men are always sitting in the corner waiting for their chance.
Short women are hot, short men are not.
A woman can go on tinder, with NO PICTURES and still get 20 matches minimum.
Because of desperate men and men who fuck anything they see, women's self esteem have risen through the roof which made it even worse for us.
There are multiple other things as well, this is just the surface. If i could choose to have been born an ugly woman i would 100%.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I am an ugly woman. What you described is not the case for me, though I might be in the 1%-2% of truly hideous individuals. I look exactly like my father, and he was very ugly for a man. I am treated like a man, but I don't receive any of the privileges that come with masculinity, even if they are limited as an ugly person.

People laugh at me in public constantly. Men will go out of their way to insult me or dare their friends to ask me out. I have been groped numerous times as a joke, some instances even happening when I was a child. People are suspicious of me and find me offputting. I am yelled in the street.

"Nice" people (I hate to put it in quotations, I know they mean well.) talk to me very slowly, as if I cannot understand them, and avoid eye contact. All of my job interviews have been ended within a couple minutes, usually with the employees gathered around the counter laughing and smiling.

I apologize if I am not the demographic you were discussing in your post. I don't like to see ugly women generalized. It has quite honestly made my life hell.

 

[jinx <3]

I'm a trans woman and I relate to a lot of what you said. Not all of it obviously, but trying to pass for a woman is hell when you're starting from a """male""" body. I also have an ED, and the whole 'desperately wanting to look stereotypically feminine' thing doesn't help. I wish the world were entirely different in its standards and shit, I don't date but I know I'd hate life that much more if I tried.

The thing you said about it all feeling like a performance is very real and that's why I relly hate it. We all know it's fake and pointless to judge eachother so harshly and yet...
Anyway hope you all have a nice day <3.

 

[august4you]

I understand because i'm a genetic abomination. You are just lucky you are not a man because it's 1 billion times worse for us.
How you look is very important, probably the most important thing for all humans.

Same here. I hope that if there is an afterlife that at least we won't be able to see each other

 

[foxgirl]

Fellow lady here. I know exactly how you feel. I'll get home at the end of the work day and finally let my stomach breathe from sucking it in all day. I look in the mirror and feel so gross. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm sure there are wonderful, attractive qualities about you that you simply can't see because of how society so strictly deems what is beautiful. Sending hugs

 

[Viranamari]

I feel like social media increases insecurity of our own body so I try my best to avoid such apps. I think the same can also be applied to men. Nowadays, people are just so shallow that they judge others based on their appearance or body so naturally people have this need to look nice or have a slim and slender body. Of course it isn't a competition between whether men or women suffer more. Personally, I believe existing in general is just really hard. Anyways, I wish things get better for you.

 

[OccydePoes]

Hello fellow Ladies ( and gents ofcourse)

Unfortunately I know how @Okokaykay is feeling. I'm a woman in my 40"s with very noticeable scars of life. My face looks still nice (apparently), my hair is my biggest pride. I do spend time on myself.But due to medicine use and let's be honest, too much booze, I'm overweight. That's unforgivable according to some people. Few years ago I had a date, who thought I was an awesome person..if I would loose weight. ( I'm a little ashamed to say I threw my beer in his face)

Social media is telling us, if you are not young, have the body of a top atlete plus good boobs+ ass we have failed as a woman. We will end up alone with a bunch of cats.

I've started looking at other " types" of woman as a sort of guideline. Plus size models , but also " normal" women who don't fit in to the current beauty standards. The power of makeup. The power of meditation ( looking relaxed ) Read stories from men who don't want to be with the next Kim K . Women who do good work for animals, who travel, who made their dreams come true. I've stopped trying to find clothes in a " normal" store ( bad lighting , clothes that stop at size 12)

There's so much more about being a woman then looking like pictures on Instagram ( loads of those pictures are beautified anyway) I'm proud being a women , I'm proud of my fellow sisters, cis or trans.

My grandmother used to say " even the prettiest flower will wither one day"

And she was right :)

( For the guys reading this, same can be applied to you)

 

[fishlover]

as an ugly girl i just wish i was born pretty more than anything. because of my looks i know im missing out on so much. and especially now that my teen years are gone, i have to worry about aging too. it was a losing battle the moment i was conceived.

 

[AresCohere]

While I am a guy so I have different experiences I can certainly relate.

Due to COVID inactivity and stress+depression eating, I put on a lot of weight over the past few years and became truly an American if you can understand what I mean. And while I have lost a bit over the past few months, my physical appearance is one of the major reasons I feel so hopeless. I can put in so much effort and lose like, 5 over a few months….

It's only one aspect but it digs the hole deeper.