Ramsay Fiction
Soulburner
- Aug 15, 2024
- 42
I've been in a dark place mentally for a very long time. It was around 10-12 I realized I was "depressed", but my behavioral issues developed way before that. I just didn't understand.
At that age and through my teenage years it was easy enough to romanticize suicide. It was pretty normal among teenagers to begin with, being as edgy as we were. Dying was just something I'd pray would happen, and saying I deserved it was just natural.
As I've gotten older it felt less like a fantasy and more of a reality. The idea of ctb felt more and more in reach. The very thought was as mundane as anything else. To-do list: Wake up, take a shower, eat lunch (maybe), catch the bus. Sometimes I felt so on auto-pilot that I'd realize what I was thinking about and it would snap me back to reality. It's all blurry, run together. Like a dream. And the line has only smudged further being in a place like this, surrounded by people who are more like me than anyone "normal" ever could be.
Sometimes things are more okay. Something about my personality makes me fiery, malleable, and stubborn. But then there's a lot of times where my blood feels like soured milk. I burn hot. I am affectionate, loud. I am animated, I am lively. I am one of a kind. But the energy is for nothing. It's annoying, it's overbearing. I can love so much and even if I can say I love myself, it's for naught. Because I just burn, and eventually I fizzle out.
In my most vulnerable moments I find myself alone. I reach out to the people I trust the most, and there's silence. Maybe I prefer it that way.
Unfortunately I don't seem to break, I just bend instead. I want nothing more than the ability to give up. I want to just give up.
At that age and through my teenage years it was easy enough to romanticize suicide. It was pretty normal among teenagers to begin with, being as edgy as we were. Dying was just something I'd pray would happen, and saying I deserved it was just natural.
As I've gotten older it felt less like a fantasy and more of a reality. The idea of ctb felt more and more in reach. The very thought was as mundane as anything else. To-do list: Wake up, take a shower, eat lunch (maybe), catch the bus. Sometimes I felt so on auto-pilot that I'd realize what I was thinking about and it would snap me back to reality. It's all blurry, run together. Like a dream. And the line has only smudged further being in a place like this, surrounded by people who are more like me than anyone "normal" ever could be.
Sometimes things are more okay. Something about my personality makes me fiery, malleable, and stubborn. But then there's a lot of times where my blood feels like soured milk. I burn hot. I am affectionate, loud. I am animated, I am lively. I am one of a kind. But the energy is for nothing. It's annoying, it's overbearing. I can love so much and even if I can say I love myself, it's for naught. Because I just burn, and eventually I fizzle out.
In my most vulnerable moments I find myself alone. I reach out to the people I trust the most, and there's silence. Maybe I prefer it that way.
Unfortunately I don't seem to break, I just bend instead. I want nothing more than the ability to give up. I want to just give up.
