Venting balling my eyes out again

[...]

since setting my ctb date i've haven't cried in a while as a result. but before whilst randomly going through my bedroom desk draw I found a bunch of cards. they were "open when..." cards that my ex-girlfriend made me for my birthday last year. one of them was "open when you are feeling your anxiety". i couldn't help but open and read it. she was so warm and caring. so understanding. i could feel her comforting presence just reading it. i could hear her voice. she told me to call her if it's getting overwhelming. but i can't. as nice as she was she has me blocked on everything. i want her to comfort me so badly but i can't reach out to her anymore. and now i've been ugly crying for 30 mins and still as I type this.

god i feel so frightened, so scared without her. on paper i have other people in my life to help but they never do the trick like she did. everyone else on this planet could be my friend but without her i would still feel so lonely. there's plenty fish but she was my nemo. fuck im so down bad. oh, emily, why why why. i know i will never be good enough, i know i will suck ass compared to so many other guys, but i thought maybe my love would be enough. please.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

since setting my ctb date i've haven't cried in a while as a result. but before whilst randomly going through my bedroom desk draw I found a bunch of cards. they were "open when..." cards that my ex-girlfriend made me for my birthday last year. one of them was "open when you are feeling your anxiety". i couldn't help but open and read it. she was so warm and caring. so understanding. i could feel her comforting presence just reading it. i could hear her voice. she told me to call her if it's getting overwhelming. but i can't. as nice as she was she has me blocked on everything. i want her to comfort me so badly but i can't reach out to her anymore. and now i've been ugly crying for 30 mins and still as I type this.

god i feel so frightened, so scared without her. on paper i have other people in my life to help but they never do the trick like she did. everyone else on this planet could be my friend but without her i would still feel so lonely. there's plenty fish but she was my nemo. fuck im so down bad. oh, emily, why why why. i know i will never be good enough, i know i will suck ass compared to so many other guys, but i thought maybe my love would be enough. please.

Wow. My ex girlfriend made a whole series of cards for me just like that. And I came across them recently. I didn't realize that was something other people did . I mean I thought she had come up with that herself. Absolutely heartbreaking. One day they are showering you with so much love. Next day they are gone.

My desire to CTB just spiked remembering this.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be painful to think about all we have lost. If there is something positive in this life it never lasts and it will just bring us more pain when it ends. Life is suffering.

 

[...]

Wow. My ex girlfriend made a whole series of cards for me just like that. And I came across them recently. I didn't realize that was something other people did . I mean I thought she had come up with that herself. Absolutely heartbreaking. One day they are showering you with so much love. Next day they are gone.

My desire to CTB just spiked remembering this.

im so sorry. we were made to believe they were special. that their love was unique. it hurts so bad

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I know. It was so easy to take for granted. I'm sure you never imagined it would ever go away. Especially when you had your girlfriend writing you such sweet notes.
Doesn't it feel like we're living in some kind of nightmare and we're just waiting to wake up and she'll be right next to us?
Don't you want just one more chance?
Isn't it weird that we're never going to get the chance?
You are young and I honestly believe you will have another chance to fall in love… Probably many chances…
When did this break up happen?

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

It's amazing how someone you think loves you can just.. fall out of love with you. So easily. And then find someone else. Like you never existed.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It's amazing how someone you think loves you can just.. fall out of love with you. So easily. And then find someone else. Like you never existed.

Of course it happens all the time… But sometimes it's simply so devastating a person never recovers…

I will have an extra helping of N please…

 

[Deleted member 8975]

That's really a beautiful thing to do for someone. If it's hurting you this way...have you considered burning them? As a way of mourning what once was...it could help free you of the pain.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

That's really a beautiful thing to do for someone. If it's hurting you this way...have you considered burning them? As a way of mourning what once was...it could help free you of the pain.

As for myself, I've deleted all of the photographs and thrown away most of the cards and the Momentos and the illustrations and all of her clothing that she left here- An entire world that we created over the course of three years I threw it all away… All the special moments, all the love I gave her…
Its a fucking tragedy…

 

[...]

I know. It was so easy to take for granted. I'm sure you never imagined it would ever go away. Especially when you had your girlfriend writing you such sweet notes.
Doesn't it feel like we're living in some kind of nightmare and we're just waiting to wake up and she'll be right next to us?
Don't you want just one more chance?
Isn't it weird that we're never going to get the chance?
You are young and I honestly believe you will have another chance to fall in love… Probably many chances…
When did this break up happen?

never in my life. when i was living with her i would sometimes have nightmares that this would happen but i would wake up next to her and i would be back in our reality. but now I am living my nightmare whilst living with her are now my dreams.

you are probably right about getting another chance at love. but i don't want it unless it's with her. it's only been 2 months and people will say i'm blind and etc. etc. but i can't put into words how perfect she was. she was so different. no one else could ever interest me.

That's really a beautiful thing to do for someone. If it's hurting you this way...have you considered burning them? As a way of mourning what once was...it could help free you of the pain.

i found them by chance. ive tried hard to remove everything. i deleted all social media to avoid the temptation of creating another account and seeing glimpses of her, i deleted my entire camera roll because it was too painful to go through the individual pictures of our memories and delete them.

but it only does so much. i can't erase the memories in my head. she was everywhere. the bed i sleep in, the places we'd go to, the catchphrases we'd say, the shows we'd watch, the songs we'd listen to.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

never in my life. when i was living with her i would sometimes have nightmares that this would happen but i would wake up next to her and i would be back in our reality. but now I am living my nightmare whilst living with her are now my dreams.

you are probably right about getting another chance at love. but i don't want it unless it's with her. it's only been 2 months and people will say i'm blind and etc. etc. but i can't put into words how perfect she was. she was so different. no one else could ever interest me.

I'm sure she was absolutely amazing. But here is what I want you to do. I want you to please give this some time. I can't guarantee you will ever get over her. I can't guarantee you will ever meet somebody as wonderful. But if you're young you got a chance. It happened once and it's probably gonna happen again. Or some version of it.

My situation was a little different for all sorts of complicated reasons I won't bore you with. I'm not really going to have a shot at something like what I had. But I think YOU can.

 

[...]

I'm sure she was absolutely amazing. But here is what I want you to do. I want you to please give this some time. I can't guarantee you will ever get over her. I can't guarantee you will ever meet somebody as wonderful. But if you're young you got a chance. It happened once and it's probably gonna happen again. Or some version of it.

My situation was a little different for all sorts of complicated reasons I won't bore you with. I'm not really going to have a shot at something like what I had. But I think YOU can.

i'll see how i feel on my planned date. if i have doubts i'll extend it. but everyday is hard. i can't get out of bed, i have no energy, nothing is interesting. if these things don't change, love is the last thing on my mind. i don't want to grieve for years.