I'm pretty new here - I have "lurked" for a while, and it has helped somewhat to read the accounts of others who are also experiencing some level of suffering. I wish that everyone here did not have to carry their respective burdens, but I understand unfortunately that such a wish is not grounded in reality.
I am reluctant to post my own messages - I am not sure if anything that I can say is particularly unique or important. I also want to be sensitive to the fact that - as a newcomer - I may not be privy to all the norms, expectations and unwritten rules of conduct that govern this space. Finally, I think that we all just want some level of validation and affirmation of our feelings, without either unsolicited advice or challenge to the underlying assumptions and worldviews that inform those feelings.
So, I guess that I am just using this post in the form of a journal: an outlet to hopefully release some of the extraordinary emotional pressure that has accumulated on a very challenging day.
I suspect that birthdays are difficult for a lot of people.
A year ago today, I turned 31. I shared a picnic in a park that evening, with an amazing person for whom I hold profound admiration and affection.
She exited from my life at the beginning of this year. The details beneath this "executive summary" are a bit thornier - but the time that I spent in her company was truly unparalleled in my life.
Today, I just sat in that park again. The same ground on which she and I sat a year ago, and the same trees overhead, beneath the same angle of light from the same sun - yet she could not be further removed from my life.
I wish that I could have the types of life experiences that encourage the belief that "someone else" could come along. Unfortunately, my efforts in both online and in-person dating have reminded me that I largely do not possess socially and romantically desirable attributes which would prompt a woman to "swipe right" or engage with me in an impromptu conversation. It is difficult to "move on from" someone - let alone someone truly phenomenal - when there is no one to "move on to."
Given my otherwise unabridged isolation and lack of human connection before and after my time with this woman, I reasonably anticipate that the moments that she and I shared - and the sensations that those moments imparted - are "one and done" experiences that I will not again grasp in life. I consider myself to be a pragmatist and a Darwinist: I recognize that the various traits that impart value to individuals in a pair-bonding arena are not bestowed universally on all members of a population, and I reluctantly acknowledge that I am in that part of the population that scores low in this regard. There is no cosmic dictum that we are all meant to pair off.
In light of the irreconcilable gulf between a life that satisfies my perception of "fulfillment" and the life that is realistically attainable for me, it is imperative that I pursue a rational and dignified exit, in order to mitigate the chronic physical pain that results from the emotional distress and cognitive dissonance of the overwhelming realization that I am stuck on a purposeless track without a realistic opportunity for happiness, contentedness, self-actualization, love or peace.
Unfortunately, I am likely still close to the beginning of my journey toward this exit. While I do not feel particularly restrained by SI, I do wish to straighten up my belongings to ensure that I do not leave behind a mess of untied loose ends, and to achieve some comfort that those material possessions that I hold in value will be handled with care and respect.
Thanks
I am reluctant to post my own messages - I am not sure if anything that I can say is particularly unique or important. I also want to be sensitive to the fact that - as a newcomer - I may not be privy to all the norms, expectations and unwritten rules of conduct that govern this space. Finally, I think that we all just want some level of validation and affirmation of our feelings, without either unsolicited advice or challenge to the underlying assumptions and worldviews that inform those feelings.
So, I guess that I am just using this post in the form of a journal: an outlet to hopefully release some of the extraordinary emotional pressure that has accumulated on a very challenging day.
I suspect that birthdays are difficult for a lot of people.
A year ago today, I turned 31. I shared a picnic in a park that evening, with an amazing person for whom I hold profound admiration and affection.
She exited from my life at the beginning of this year. The details beneath this "executive summary" are a bit thornier - but the time that I spent in her company was truly unparalleled in my life.
Today, I just sat in that park again. The same ground on which she and I sat a year ago, and the same trees overhead, beneath the same angle of light from the same sun - yet she could not be further removed from my life.
I wish that I could have the types of life experiences that encourage the belief that "someone else" could come along. Unfortunately, my efforts in both online and in-person dating have reminded me that I largely do not possess socially and romantically desirable attributes which would prompt a woman to "swipe right" or engage with me in an impromptu conversation. It is difficult to "move on from" someone - let alone someone truly phenomenal - when there is no one to "move on to."
Given my otherwise unabridged isolation and lack of human connection before and after my time with this woman, I reasonably anticipate that the moments that she and I shared - and the sensations that those moments imparted - are "one and done" experiences that I will not again grasp in life. I consider myself to be a pragmatist and a Darwinist: I recognize that the various traits that impart value to individuals in a pair-bonding arena are not bestowed universally on all members of a population, and I reluctantly acknowledge that I am in that part of the population that scores low in this regard. There is no cosmic dictum that we are all meant to pair off.
In light of the irreconcilable gulf between a life that satisfies my perception of "fulfillment" and the life that is realistically attainable for me, it is imperative that I pursue a rational and dignified exit, in order to mitigate the chronic physical pain that results from the emotional distress and cognitive dissonance of the overwhelming realization that I am stuck on a purposeless track without a realistic opportunity for happiness, contentedness, self-actualization, love or peace.
Unfortunately, I am likely still close to the beginning of my journey toward this exit. While I do not feel particularly restrained by SI, I do wish to straighten up my belongings to ensure that I do not leave behind a mess of untied loose ends, and to achieve some comfort that those material possessions that I hold in value will be handled with care and respect.
Thanks
