Help Backslides are a given, but how do you handle that?

[derpyderpins]

Not a theory post, I'm genuinely asking.

It's all so cyclical for me. I'm riding high and doing well and everyone's okay with me and I'm able to do my work and still have some energy left over, then I'm completely burned out and dragging along, behind on everything and working slowly on the stuff I am doing.

"You need a break. You need to rest and recharge." There is no rest, though. The world won't stop and wait for you. The gears will keep spinning with or without you if you try to catch your breath.

So I'm trying to double my efforts and catch up and tough it out and it's just not enough. It never is. Now I spiral until I get so lost I have to burn it down and start over.

How do you survive bad periods?

 

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Usually, people's posts here are relating to problems that are mostly internal. They could be caused by external factors of course, but they still need to look inward for answers.

Your post here, though, has a vibe of being almost entirely external(?)

You mention being "completely burned out" so the first thing I'd look at is... What factors are contributing to the burnout? Whatever those factors are, break them down in detail and then identify which ones you can stop doing, cut out, cancel, etc. You are a member on a suicide forum which implies this is very high stakes. So, unless something is vital to your existence or your very way of life, it (theoretically) can be cut out.

It might not be so easy to "just cut out" some of these factors. It may require sacrifices. It may require challenging conversations with loved ones or being vulnerable to supervisors at work, for instance, but in the longer term could be beneficial.

An alternative to cutting them out would be looking for ways to improve or make them less-stressful. For instance, there is cleaning around the house or cutting the lawn. These are small things but still take time and energy. What about a cleaning service or lawn care service instead? That takes money, so is there anything that could be sacrificed to redirect money towards those services? Little things like that which could possibly have big impact.

Sometimes, it's not necessarily what's happening that is affecting your mental state, but it could also be what's not happening. So, looking at whether anything is missing from your life that might be influencing this. Or maybe there is relationship strain somewhere, whether with a partner or a best friend or a coworker or a supervisor. Unresolved conflict of some sort.

Now, if the cause-and-effect is reversed here, then the answers would be very different. Even if the above-mentioned options improve the situation, you'd still need to look mostly inward for answers.

"You need a break. You need to rest and recharge."

How very easy it is to tell someone that they need a break, that they need to rest and recharge.

But actually, that is exactly the vibe I'm getting here, as in it sounds like that's exactly what you need. I know... easy to say, not so easy to do... which, I suppose, is kind of what I was getting at in trying to cut out as many expendable factors as possible... The thought being that, in doing so, you may be able to find more opportunities to get that precious rest-and-recharge time.

 

[derpyderpins]

Usually, people's posts here are relating to problems that are mostly internal. They could be caused by external factors of course, but they still need to look inward for answers.

Your post here, though, has a vibe of being almost entirely external(?)

You mention being "completely burned out" so the first thing I'd look at is... What factors are contributing to the burnout? Whatever those factors are, break them down in detail and then identify which ones you can stop doing, cut out, cancel, etc. You are a member on a suicide forum which implies this is very high stakes. So, unless something is vital to your existence or your very way of life, it (theoretically) can be cut out.

It might not be so easy to "just cut out" some of these factors. It may require sacrifices. It may require challenging conversations with loved ones or being vulnerable to supervisors at work, for instance, but in the longer term could be beneficial.

An alternative to cutting them out would be looking for ways to improve or make them less-stressful. For instance, there is cleaning around the house or cutting the lawn. These are small things but still take time and energy. What about a cleaning service or lawn care service instead? That takes money, so is there anything that could be sacrificed to redirect money towards those services? Little things like that which could possibly have big impact.

Sometimes, it's not necessarily what's happening that is affecting your mental state, but it could also be what's not happening. So, looking at whether anything is missing from your life that might be influencing this. Or maybe there is relationship strain somewhere, whether with a partner or a best friend or a coworker or a supervisor. Unresolved conflict of some sort.

Now, if the cause-and-effect is reversed here, then the answers would be very different. Even if the above-mentioned options improve the situation, you'd still need to look mostly inward for answers.


How very easy it is to tell someone that they need a break, that they need to rest and recharge.

But actually, that is exactly the vibe I'm getting here, as in it sounds like that's exactly what you need. I know... easy to say, not so easy to do... which, I suppose, is kind of what I was getting at in trying to cut out as many expendable factors as possible... The thought being that, in doing so, you may be able to find more opportunities to get that precious rest-and-recharge time.

Well, it's tough to distinguish internal/external when the external problem is a standard full-time job.

It's just work. Nothing at home is stressing me out. I love helping around the house for my wife to have a good home, I never get tired of that.

It's hard to identify what it is at work other than the fact that it's constant. I come in, I do great work on cases/assignments, people are happy with me, but then it seems like about 8-10 months into any of these firm jobs I just completely run out of motivation. I can't focus on things, so I get behind, so I stress about being behind, so I can't focus, etc. In the past, I've just stuck it out as long as I can then jumped ship, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to leave as my production is dwindling.

Spoiler: wrote more than I wanted to

I hit my full-year bonus target in 8 months. Clearly I am capable of doing the work from a skill prospective, but leading into my wedding last month and since then I'm slowing back down. I might not even get my monthly bonus for September, which is gross considering I charge almost double what other young associates do, so I only have to bill about half the hours that they do. So I'm not billing many hours, but then I just got told I billed way too many hours on one assignment. That's like the one thing this past week I've been able to focus on and bust my ass, but I went down a big rabit hole over one detail and got fixated on figuring something out that probably just should have been ignored.

I'm really only good at the creation aspect: coming up with a theory and making the argument. If it's the typical: repetitive, simple, monotonous - I suck.

I finally have an appointment with someone who can diagnose if I have autism. Either way I can stop thinking about that once I have an answer.

I don't think there's anything unresolved less what I don't have time for. I'd love to work more on my music and youtube vids but there seems to be no time for it.

Maybe I haven't gotten to talk about the dark stuff enough because my shrink cancelled my last appointment, so it's been like 2 months since I've had therapy. idk if it even helps though. Maybe I've adjusted to the pills and they don't have enough effect to patch me up anymore.

Maybe it's a blessing that I'm going to have to rest this weekend. I'm getting lasik. Wasn't going to talk about that until it's done but I'm hoping that can help with my brain fog/headaches because my vision sucks even with glasses thanks to my astigmatism.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

 

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...then it seems like about 8-10 months into any of these firm jobs I just completely run out of motivation. I can't focus on things, so I get behind, so I stress about being behind, so I can't focus, etc.

This does make it sound more like something internal being the trigger.

Though you did mention meeting a 12-month bonus in only eight months, so I wouldn't quite rule out a factor of working so hard as to be unsustainable.

But multiple firm jobs... the same timeline... So, wonder what's happening at that 8-to-10-month mark, assuming it's not burning out purely through the work itself. Could it be something along the lines of not feeling challenged enough? It gets stale after a time? Wanting more responsibility? Not necessarily wanting "more work" but just more responsibility or something that feels more important? Or could it be something relating to the work environment or the dynamic with coworkers that starts weighing on you at a certain point? Could it be the profession itself -- maybe the trigger is one that's common for this line of work? Or maybe you're just wired in such a way to prefer going from one job to the next to the next, which is not an uncommon thing (only loosely using the term "prefer" here as this is clearly causing distress).

Just throwing out thoughts or possibilities. The standout aspect to me here is that if the 8-to-10-month mark is a clear pattern, that's probably an important consideration as far as figuring out what's happening here.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

I'm all-in with you, my friend!

 

[whywere]

For me through the decades, like most things, I change up different modes and means in working with my emotions and mental health when I get in a real downer mood.

I do not drink alcohol; I do not smoke anything, and I have never tried street drugs. The street drug aspect is because back in the 1970's, I had a very good friend who used LSD all the time and seeing what it did to him scared the hell out of me and I said never ever from then on.

For me, I will take like a afternoon off in which ever city I am in, I travel for work, and site see, or just take a relaxing walk and see the sites.

I also am a motor mouth, so I always can strike up a conversation with a local as I walk and get a flavor for that city.

I also, at home have a huge light bar, that I keep by my workstation, I work from home, and that really helps in the winter months.

I always try and keep in my mind the fact that we as a species are all the same and I so enjoy helping others out and that is a go to for me, as bringing a smile on someone's face is pure heaven to me.

Lots of hugs and kind thoughts to everyone here, we are family.

Walter

 

[derpyderpins]

This does make it sound more like something internal being the trigger.

Though you did mention meeting a 12-month bonus in only eight months, so I wouldn't quite rule out a factor of working so hard as to be unsustainable.

But multiple firm jobs... the same timeline... So, wonder what's happening at that 8-to-10-month mark, assuming it's not burning out purely through the work itself. Could it be something along the lines of not feeling challenged enough? It gets stale after a time? Wanting more responsibility? Not necessarily wanting "more work" but just more responsibility or something that feels more important? Or could it be something relating to the work environment or the dynamic with coworkers that starts weighing on you at a certain point? Could it be the profession itself -- maybe the trigger is one that's common for this line of work? Or maybe you're just wired in such a way to prefer going from one job to the next to the next, which is not an uncommon thing (only loosely using the term "prefer" here as this is clearly causing distress).

Just throwing out thoughts or possibilities. The standout aspect to me here is that if the 8-to-10-month mark is a clear pattern, that's probably an important consideration as far as figuring out what's happening here.


I'm all-in with you, my friend!

Sorry I'm late responding here. Not being challenged enough I think is along the lines. balancing stimulation is a part of it. Hopefully this new therapist who can help diagnose me can shed some light on that. When I hit that bonus it was from putting a lot of hours into some cases that held my interest. Big money, complex law and argument, a bit of a cause I could be invested in. It's always monotonous stuff that kills me, and it piles up and eventually becomes a problem if I don't get to it. I was able to get that bonus because I'm being given more of that interesting stuff than other associates so I can bill a higher rate. At the time I had a few big cases I could really dive into. When I'm interested, I have no problem working many hours, which is why I think I'm unfair to myself if I call me "lazy." I know I work very hard at some things.

It's crazy how the brain can lie to us and be our worst enemy. I've had something I just have not been able to get myself moving on, and then all of the sudden I was able to get into it and it wasn't bad at all and I was done in no time. And whatever fears I have about getting fired again . . . so far getting fired means a few weeks off and then a big pay increase so there's really no practical reason to be afraid, just emotional and social.

For me through the decades, like most things, I change up different modes and means in working with my emotions and mental health when I get in a real downer mood.

I do not drink alcohol; I do not smoke anything, and I have never tried street drugs. The street drug aspect is because back in the 1970's, I had a very good friend who used LSD all the time and seeing what it did to him scared the hell out of me and I said never ever from then on.

For me, I will take like a afternoon off in which ever city I am in, I travel for work, and site see, or just take a relaxing walk and see the sites.

I also am a motor mouth, so I always can strike up a conversation with a local as I walk and get a flavor for that city.

I also, at home have a huge light bar, that I keep by my workstation, I work from home, and that really helps in the winter months.

I always try and keep in my mind the fact that we as a species are all the same and I so enjoy helping others out and that is a go to for me, as bringing a smile on someone's face is pure heaven to me.

Lots of hugs and kind thoughts to everyone here, we are family.

Walter

Sorry being late to you, too, Walter, I appreciate your input as always.

I do drink, but it's very much for enjoyment/appreciation these days. Usually just one drink maybe 2-4 times a week. Some weeks none, sometimes I'll have a double, but overall I don't think it can be having too bad of an effect. (In school there were some times when I'd drink a LOT).

I think you and I have some similarities in our souls. One of the biggest influences on the recovery I've managed so far was my grandfather, who taught me to enjoy life: meet people, see things, see how people are different and have their own good qualities. He was a real "sit on the porch with your coffee in your rocker and talk to anyone walking by" kind of guy, and I see myself being similar.

 

[derpyderpins]

Bumping this for a second. Things are starting to stabalize. Not perfect, but I can tell I'm making progress now. As always, I'm kicking myself because had I just been a little better I wouldn't be having to catch up as much, and once I get into the work it's not that bad.

But - and I might make a full post about this later - I think one thing I've failed to do is take note of when the bad period ends.

Backslides tend to happen suddenly: get some bad news or have a bad line of thought, and you spiral down pretty quickly. If I think back I can remember reasonably vividly very bad periods I've had and what set them off, but I can't remember when I felt better or the circumstances around my feeling better. But, I did feel better.

Going forward - starting now - when I have a backslide I'm going to try to be mindful about when the recovery happens, even though the backslide tends to be quick and aggressive and the recovery more gradual. When I don't, my history seems to be all bad, just me constantly spiraling deeper and deeper, but the truth is that there was a recovery period between many of those bad spirals, so I am not remembering/evaluating accurately.

 

[whywere]

Bumping this for a second. Things are starting to stabalize. Not perfect, but I can tell I'm making progress now. As always, I'm kicking myself because had I just been a little better I wouldn't be having to catch up as much, and once I get into the work it's not that bad.

But - and I might make a full post about this later - I think one thing I've failed to do is take note of when the bad period ends.

Backslides tend to happen suddenly: get some bad news or have a bad line of thought, and you spiral down pretty quickly. If I think back I can remember reasonably vividly very bad periods I've had and what set them off, but I can't remember when I felt better or the circumstances around my feeling better. But, I did feel better.

Going forward - starting now - when I have a backslide I'm going to try to be mindful about when the recovery happens, even though the backslide tends to be quick and aggressive and the recovery more gradual. When I don't, my history seems to be all bad, just me constantly spiraling deeper and deeper, but the truth is that there was a recovery period between many of those bad spirals, so I am not remembering/evaluating accurately.

You are truly a wonderful soul!

Reading this was so inspirational to/for me, thank you.

Have a great weekend my good friend.

Walter

 

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When I'm interested, I have no problem working many hours, which is why I think I'm unfair to myself if I call me "lazy." I know I work very hard at some things.

Most assuredly this is not an issue of laziness. I know when we feel that loss of motivation, it's easy to hit ourselves with the "lazy" label (this is a big source of guilt and shame for me, personally, even though I also know that's actually being unfair to myself)... But as you alluded to, laziness is bred out of a preference for comfort or inactivity -- a conscious intent to avoid work or responsibilities. You, meanwhile, are like the polar opposite of that: High on ambition and work ethic but struggling with motivation and focus despite actually trying and wanting to do it. I mean, you even said you "love helping out around the house," so... Yeah, while everybody can get lazy at times, it's probably safe to rule it out as a primary factor here!

I am definitely not equipped to be advising a lawyer on anything pertaining to their job (though it might be entertaining to watch me try, lol)... But I do have a couple thoughts here:

Does your employer know of your ambition and desire to do more challenging/complex/bigger-cause work? Is this something you could push for? Like along the same lines of asking for a raise? Basically, I'm wondering if your firm isn't taking full advantage of your abilities and, if so, whether there's anything to be done about that.

You said it's the "monotonous stuff" that gets you. Wondering if any of that would be delegable if you "moved up" a bit in position? Or if you had access to an assistant at the firm? Maybe this ties in with that first thought -- can you say, "Look at my production! imagine what I could do for the firm if I could offload some of these monotonous tasks?"

Perhaps you could benefit from speaking to other lawyers about this? Even if this is founded in something under the umbrella of mental health, maybe it's not uncommon in this profession...? Talk to others anonymously? A subreddit for lawyers, perhaps, or something like it?

Going forward - starting now - when I have a backslide I'm going to try to be mindful about when the recovery happens, even though the backslide tends to be quick and aggressive and the recovery more gradual. When I don't, my history seems to be all bad, just me constantly spiraling deeper and deeper, but the truth is that there was a recovery period between many of those bad spirals, so I am not remembering/evaluating accurately.

This a very astute thought on this. Not only about "when" the recovery happens, but the "how" of it as well. Like, what are you doing and what's your way of thinking (for lack of a better term) when the recovery is happening... And, above all, if there is a subconscious process happening there, can it be replicated at will... (I'm making a mental note to apply this thought to my own circumstances too... This might be very pertinent information to get a better handle on the ups and downs...)

At the very least, I do hope your therapist will be able to shed some light on this more. I would be interested to hear what their take on it is. (Though no pressure or expectations as far as you sharing that.)