_02aslademe
I miss you
- Aug 22, 2023
- 18
Hello,
I know I've been offline for a very long time but some complications arose and being post-consistent just doesn't really fall to be a top priority.
My very dear friend Viktor passed in September, a day before my birthday, and I haven't been 'feeling' all too much in either extreme since then, as cliche as it is. My friend Adonis's grandmother was hospitalized as well and he isn't taking that very well which worries me also, and it seems as if everything with my friends has been 'going downhill'. I haven't talked to my father in several months, either; not because he hasn't contacted me but because when he has I have ignored it and I don't even know why. I have to do that soon and am tearing myself up about it.
Anyway, the plan remains that I will kill myself on 31 December, however frankly I don't know if I can hold on long enough to reach my planned date. Since it is the winter, however, I've been able to have the freedom of returning to some coping mechanisms I stop in the summer. It's my last winter, why should it matter?
Trying to make the most of what I have left with my lover and trying to fix the terrible relationship between my mother and I before I pass so I don't leave behind any ill feelings. Writing my post-mortem notes and at least attempting to be as thorough and honest as possible with what I address. It's all a bit more work than I had originally thought or intended for myself, but I suppose I don't really mind.
It is unfortunately much too difficult to talk about this to any friend of mine and to be blunt difficult to tell anything to my partner because I do know how much they worry and do not doubt all this will seem so, so selfish but what more can I do to alleviate that? I'm not so adept at emotion that I can really impose anything I want upon others.
But oh, well. In about a month (1 December) I'll start my journal for the final month and that will be that.
Still missing some people but in a bit flatter way than usual. Horribly tired, and as much as I hate to say it, I want to die.
Just an update on myself, and I hope nothing is going too terribly for anyone else. Best wishes.
I know I've been offline for a very long time but some complications arose and being post-consistent just doesn't really fall to be a top priority.
My very dear friend Viktor passed in September, a day before my birthday, and I haven't been 'feeling' all too much in either extreme since then, as cliche as it is. My friend Adonis's grandmother was hospitalized as well and he isn't taking that very well which worries me also, and it seems as if everything with my friends has been 'going downhill'. I haven't talked to my father in several months, either; not because he hasn't contacted me but because when he has I have ignored it and I don't even know why. I have to do that soon and am tearing myself up about it.
Anyway, the plan remains that I will kill myself on 31 December, however frankly I don't know if I can hold on long enough to reach my planned date. Since it is the winter, however, I've been able to have the freedom of returning to some coping mechanisms I stop in the summer. It's my last winter, why should it matter?
Trying to make the most of what I have left with my lover and trying to fix the terrible relationship between my mother and I before I pass so I don't leave behind any ill feelings. Writing my post-mortem notes and at least attempting to be as thorough and honest as possible with what I address. It's all a bit more work than I had originally thought or intended for myself, but I suppose I don't really mind.
It is unfortunately much too difficult to talk about this to any friend of mine and to be blunt difficult to tell anything to my partner because I do know how much they worry and do not doubt all this will seem so, so selfish but what more can I do to alleviate that? I'm not so adept at emotion that I can really impose anything I want upon others.
But oh, well. In about a month (1 December) I'll start my journal for the final month and that will be that.
Still missing some people but in a bit flatter way than usual. Horribly tired, and as much as I hate to say it, I want to die.
Just an update on myself, and I hope nothing is going too terribly for anyone else. Best wishes.
