Venting Back to wanting to die again

[Clowndollie]

I really thought I got out of it this time. I thought I had met an amazing person who genuinely understood me only for me to be left again, it's so hurtful. It feels like no matter how hard I try, nobody will ever choose or pick me. I've genuinely only shown my best sides, I really did. That's why it's so incredibly difficult and painful because even letting people see only good sides of me still makes them make negative assumptions about me, makes them think that I'm unstable while I haven't even shown unstable behaviour. They're the unstable ones. This person even knew about my bpd and actually took the time to get familiar with it so I had high hopes only to be let down again. He has chosen another because I am too intense, too unstable, while I haven't even shown an unstable side of me. He honestly thought so negatively about me. I was there for him when he was hurting, I understood him and I forgave him, I listened to him and read and replied to all his messages, I opened up to him as well only for him to say that he actually doesn't know me and that I don't know him. It hurt so so much because I genuinely gave my everything and I shared all of my positive and nice and loving intentions with him, he made me feel secure after a long time of feeling that I have wanted to die. Only for him to just throw everything away the second he meets someone else. After all the things we shared? After all we did for eachother? After all our familiarities and shared dreams? After knowing what i already went through? I guess so. I feel like I'm worth nothing seeing how he can so easily throw me away like that. I feel like men use me again and again and I'm getting so tired of it. It's probably because I always have my best intentions in mind and they feel that I'm an empath, so they get a kick out of getting everything they want out of me only to leave me in the end because they had their fill. Kinda manic pixie dreamgirl ish lol. I literally have no hope anymore. He said that if I wanted to have a successful relationship i would have to be with someone who's familiar with bpd or a therapist, now thinking back at that that really makes me lose all hope because I'll never find someone like that again. I genuinely thought he was the one that would stay around, that genuinely wanted to be with me, that wanted to work towards a future together. He did promise me all those things at first which makes this situation even harder. I guess no one will ever choose the girl with the autism and bpd, no matter how kind, sweet and nice I am to them. I'll always be there just for entertainment, not to settle down with. I feel gross and used. It's crazy to me how people can promise you the world and then just suddenly throw you away like that, the second there's another option that's easier. Makes me so sad that people switch up like that. I know that nobody is ever going to pick me. I did nothing wrong. I thought you liked me. Did I mean nothing to you? After all we shared? I didn't even do anything.