Story Back to square one

[Wyldfyre4948]

For the past month I actually thought things kinda leveled off, and was considering things might be improving. Of course I was fooled and the shit hit the fan. So I'm back here everyday reading and thinking. My appetite disappeared again and I'm not sleeping (not like I was sleeping before). Thoughts about ctb are back with a vengeance. For awhile I have been more passively suicidal, but I thought about using the rebreather I've got hidden away.

Sadly the rebreather doesn't seem to have the best track record with 2 people failing to ctb using the device. Still have my trusty rope handy, but I've failed with hanging so many times as it is.

It sucks because I'm crying everyday again and am so exhausted. I wish I had some N so I could have a drink and just go to sleep. Being told suicide is the easy way out is bullshit. There is nothing easy about this. They make it hard to acquire painless means and treat you like a criminal for trying to end your own life. This world really sucks.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Do you want to share what happened that made things bad again such that you made your way back here?

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Typically I would be open about everything but I'm so ashamed of myself with this.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is absurd how many people label suicide as the "easy way" when in fact it's anything but, I find it so dreadful how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die. I hate how suicide is purposely made so inaccessible with Nembutal being a privledge reserved for animals with humans just expected to suffer instead. It really would be such a relief if Nembutal is accessible.