Help Back on the path of Addiction, How to resist?

[PursuitofWonder]

Welp I'm back to my old self destructing ways of drugs->regret->repeat

I was doing alright in recovery for 5 months or so. The urge to say fuck it and go all in is strong.

How do you guys pull yourselves back from the abysss when you can feel yourself falling in again?

 

[Sherri]

I'm on the same boat as you lately, with opioid pain killers. I'm so angry at myself. Trying to tamper…. again. I was doing amazingly also. But you know this is another disease we have, that we will always have to fight forever. Addiction, it's my second day tampering today. I called sick I don't want to look miserable at work. I'm sorry you also like me, let's take it day by day. The urge sometimes is easy and sometimes hard. If you just relapsed don't be hard on yourself. You wont have wd I think. Consider it just a minor bump in your recovery. I was meant to be on a therapy level, and increased it by 3. Now back to one pill. It's gonna hurt for a while. Dunno what your drug is and u don't need to tell me. But baby steps sweetie. It's all we can do. Good luck…

 

[Chronicillness]

I have the opposite problem. I desperately WANT to get back on my DOC. Unfortunately, I'm TOO sickly to be able to use my DOC without violent ramifications to my alive but rapidly decomposing body.

Getting off heroin was the worst divorce of my life and it actually ruined my life. I was consistently and reliably enjoying a daily nirvana, and a mental health zenith, prior to quitting black tar. I was also at peak physical vitality back then, all thanks to heroin.

The idea that I'll never be able to use heroin again is a thought too devastating for me to even consider. I'm literally fighting tooth and nail right now to get back to some sort of physical stability, all so that I can rejoice with my beloved heroin.

 

[Sherri]

I have the opposite problem. I desperately WANT to get back on my DOC. Unfortunately, I'm TOO sickly to be able to use my DOC without violent ramifications to my alive but rapidly decomposing body.

Getting off heroin was the worst divorce of my life and it actually ruined my life. I was consistently and reliably enjoying a daily nirvana, and a mental health zenith, prior to quitting black tar. I was also at peak physical vitality back then, all thanks to heroin.

The idea that I'll never be able to use heroin again is a thought too devastating for me to even consider. I'm literally fighting tooth and nail right now to get back to some sort of physical stability, all so that I can rejoice with my beloved heroin.

Opioids same as me. Yes it's very hard. Played with that fire too in the past. But ended up on Pills, heroin is one of the hardest to quit. I wish you good luck, never tried black tar it's not very popular in Europe. I used to smoke H as a teen. Was love at first site. Kicked the Habbit cold turkey, and now I'm so weak can't even get off some stupid pills.

 

[Chronicillness]

Opioids same as me. Yes it's very hard. Played with that fire too in the past. But ended up on Pills, heroin is one of the hardest to quit. I wish you good luck, never tried black tar it's not very popular in Europe. I used to smoke H as a teen. Was love at first site. Kicked the Habbit cold turkey, and now I'm so weak can't even get off some stupid pills.

Ah. You have good taste then, you know the pleasures of freebasing heroin . It's an experience everyone should be afforded, at least once in their life. Love at first sight, indeed. I smoked first as a teen, around age 16. It changed my life, mostly for the better. My fondest memories are all a product of heroin's benevolence, allowing me to break free from my antisocial cocoon and take flight as a social butterfly. Cured my anhedonia and suicidality for years. It saved my life; or at least I credit it to getting me this far in life.

The prospect of never using heroin again is a grim one for my mind mull over.

I feel your pain and sorrow about the withdrawals. That's not the reason I can't go back to using, but it's definitely something I haven't overlooked or had forgotten about. The withdrawals can be deadly if the spirit is withered and despondent. I wish you all the luck in the world to be able to get off opioids.

I actually went to Mexico years back to undergo a medically-assisted ibogaine detoxification program and it worked well, but I can't recommend it for someone who even has slight health issues, or is over the age of 30.

 

[Sherri]

Ah. You have good taste then, you know the pleasures of freebasing heroin . It's an experience everyone should be afforded, at least once in their life. Love at first sight, indeed. I smoked first as a teen, around age 16. It changed my life, mostly for the better. My fondest memories are all a product of heroin's benevolence, allowing me to break free from my antisocial cocoon and take flight as a social butterfly. Cured my anhedonia and suicidality for years. It saved my life; or at least I credit it to getting me this far in life.

The prospect of never using heroin again is a grim one for my mind mull over.

I feel your pain and sorrow about the withdrawals. That's not the reason I can't go back to using, but it's definitely something I haven't overlooked or had forgotten about. The withdrawals can be deadly if the spirit is withered and despondent. I wish you all the luck in the world to be able to get off opioids.

I actually went to Mexico years back to undergo a medically-assisted ibogaine detoxification program and it worked well, but I can't recommend it for someone who even has slight health issues, or is over the age of 30.

Oh, I didn't even check your photo before commenting on your thread, now I know we are the same, though I dont do H anymore. I've quit cold turkey, I endured the worse 2 weeks and a half by myself with only Valium as a help. I've stopped cause I saw some of my friends being arrested and at that time I just wanted to have a good time with them, but I didn't wanna follow their path so I've quit, I was starting to steal money from my mum, and I was like I'm not like this, this isn't me. I don't crave for H anymore. Been too many years, but I do miss the bond that aluminum foil created among us, the endless chats. The going home at dawn, silly things now I see… what makes me angry is that a girl could quit pure heroin at 19 and now not being able to quit some silly tramados, subs, pills on my late 20s. That's what makes me angry. I've been to NAs, nothing for me, although it helps a lot of people, It didn't help me in my case. I've quit alone, suffered alone and if my bf finds out I'm going down again. I'm more worried to not disappoint him than myself. He already endures my depression and all that comes with it like a prince. God help me…even being an atheist. Good luck on your program. Never been to one. Always on my own….maybe I should.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I'm on the same boat as you lately, with opioid pain killers. I'm so angry at myself. Trying to tamper…. again. I was doing amazingly also. But you know this is another disease we have, that we will always have to fight forever. Addiction, it's my second day tampering today. I called sick I don't want to look miserable at work. I'm sorry you also like me, let's take it day by day. The urge sometimes is easy and sometimes hard. If you just relapsed don't be hard on yourself. You wont have wd I think. Consider it just a minor bump in your recovery. I was meant to be on a therapy level, and increased it by 3. Now back to one pill. It's gonna hurt for a while. Dunno what your drug is and u don't need to tell me. But baby steps sweetie. It's all we can do. Good luck…

Sorry that you're also having this difficult situation. I get cravings at night and lately they've gotten so bad I just search my house for anything to take that will affect my brain. Guess I'm addicted to just feeling something other than how I feel. I've been desperately trying to get in to therapy again but there's a shortage. May have finally found someone with openings so . I don't envy opioid addiction, it sounds absolutely life shattering. I will say I wish I had the option of maintenance meds. That's probably a misguided feeling so sorry if that's an ignorant thing. Anyway I appreciate your response and I wish you only the best of luck with your own recovery!

 

[Sherri]

Well im on maintenance pills, the prob is that I started to take 4 instead of 1. And now when I give my body only 1 started yesterday my body is not happy. But I will beat this unhappiness out of it. Alone again. Can't afford to lose many things, even my doctor who is so proud of me. I was doing on a worse day 30 tramadol 50mg pills a day. Sigh___ Good luck on your program also. Hugs. Like depression isn't bad enough, now we have this also.

 

[timf]

Making five months clean is a huge accomplishment. You should give yourself credit for that. Looking back with pleasurable feelings is probably a bad idea because it can erode will power.

Assessing your present efforts to remain clean with pleasure can help reinforce your resolve.

Scheduling your life now with a lot of activity can create a momentum in which past desire can fade more easily.

In the Army one does a lot of running with field packs. It can be very exhausting. If you shout out to a buddy words of encouragement to keep going, you find it easier to keep going yourself. This may explain why 12 step programs like NA can be successful as well.

 

[Sherri]

I wonder if I got lucky or something. I got a g of it last year when I was near rock bottom. Tried it and it was absolutely awful, so itchy and I threw up then passed out. Never bothered with opiates after that. Looking back I bet it was cut with some crud. Lucky either way I guess.

Good on you! Never mess with opioids. Although now there is much powerful drugs than what Im personally taking. So I beat myself up cause of it.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

Well im on maintenance pills, the prob is that I started to take 4 instead of 1. And now when I give my body only 1 started yesterday my body is not happy. But I will beat this unhappiness out of it. Alone again. Can't afford to lose many things, even my doctor who is so proud of me. I was doing on a worse day 30 tramadol 50mg pills a day. Sigh___ Good luck on your program also. Hugs. Like depression isn't bad enough, now we have this also.

Aw I see, hope our journeys work out. Sorry if you saw the response I posted. I realized it was unhelpful and probably triggering to someone in recovery so I removed it

 

[Sherri]

Aw I see, hope our journeys work out. Sorry if you saw the response I posted. I realized it was unhelpful and probably triggering to someone in recovery so I removed it

Nah it's fine. No triggers at all sweetie. Post your heart out.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

Making five months clean is a huge accomplishment. You should give yourself credit for that. Looking back with pleasurable feelings is probably a bad idea because it can erode will power.

Assessing your present efforts to remain clean with pleasure can help reinforce your resolve.

Scheduling your life now with a lot of activity can create a momentum in which past desire can fade more easily.

In the Army one does a lot of running with field packs. It can be very exhausting. If you shout out to a buddy words of encouragement to keep going, you find it easier to keep going yourself. This may explain why 12 step programs like NA can be successful as well.

To be honest it was disingenuous to say five months. Five months from my DOC and anything from my dealer. I've relapsed on misusing my meds and alcohol several times. I do try and ground my thinking about past use. I wrote some prompts to help with that. Stuff like "What do you remember most about the hospital" to remind myself about where exactly that use was sending me toward. The brain is better at forgetting painful experiences than we give it credit for. And Sometimes that's not a good thing.

 

[Sherri]

I took half a sub 2 hours ago. My body is asking for more, have to endure this until 7pm to take the other half.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I took half a sub 2 hours ago. My body is asking for more, have to endure this until 7pm to take the other half.

Ahh I'm sorry that you're dealing with that :(. Best I can say is stay occupied, way easier said then done. The more you count down the time the harder and slower it gets. Sometimes it's just impossible not to tho. My update is: I've been on stims all night :( but I finally had enough energy to call the therapist I was looking at seeing.

 

[Sherri]

Ahh I'm sorry that you're dealing with that :(. Best I can say is stay occupied, way easier said then done. The more you count down the time the harder and slower it gets. Sometimes it's just impossible not to tho. My update is: I've been on stims all night :( but I finally had enough energy to call the therapist I was looking at seeing.

I know,it feels like that old Madonna song, Time goes by so slowly. I called in sick today. Maybe I shouldn't have. Thank you for your support, you know what type of symptoms I'm feeling.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I know,it feels like that old Madonna song, Time goes by so slowly. I called in sick today. Maybe I shouldn't have. Thank you for your support, you know what type of symptoms I'm feeling.

Honestly calling in sick was probably not the best idea. But also I have no idea how severe your withdrawal get so if that's the case I'm dead wrong. Idk just staying occupied is so important, but I know we both have probably heard that a million times by this point. I'm dealing with the waiting game too lately. I take ambien to sleep, it's excruciating to wait until midnight to take it. My will has been weak lately and I've been taking it at 8pm. The shame after you cave and take it early is shit.

 

[Sherri]

Honestly calling in sick was probably not the best idea. But also I have no idea how severe your withdrawal get so if that's the case I'm dead wrong. Idk just staying occupied is so important, but I know we both have probably heard that a million times by this point. I'm dealing with the waiting game too lately. I take ambien to sleep, it's excruciating to wait until midnight to take it. My will has been weak lately and I've been taking it at 8pm. The shame after you cave and take it early is shit.

I have a job that i have to smile a lot. People can notice me. I heard many times this, is this girl alright? Sucks to hear this and keep it to myself. So that's why I called in sick. :( and edit, why is she so rude also.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I have a job that i have to smile a lot. People can notice me. I heard many times this, is this girl alright? Sucks to hear this and keep it to myself. So that's why I called in sick. :( and edit, why is she so rude also.

Oh god I feel that. My flat affect is so bad whenever I finally do smile people will find the need to comment on it and it's embarrassing. But at a public job and as a woman. Like the stereotypical place where rude people will tell you to "just smile". That sucks :(

 

[Sherri]

Oh god I feel that. My flat affect is so bad whenever I finally do smile people will find the need to comment on it and it's embarrassing. But at a public job and as a woman. Like the stereotypical place where rude people will tell you to "just smile". That sucks :(

I know, it's like a punch in the stomach.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I know, it's like a punch in the stomach.

Masks have been a blessing. If/when they go away I'll be very sad, they make life much easier. I'm a tall person and before masks people often would think I was mad and be scared. Hasn't happened since. Anyway hope you're managing well with the W/D so far.

 

[Sherri]

Masks have been a blessing. If/when they go away I'll be very sad, they make life much easier. I'm a tall person and before masks people often would think I was mad and be scared. Hasn't happened since. Anyway hope you're managing well with the W/D so far.

Yeah just feel sad, glad I have Xanax at least. Just ordered a McDonald's home delivery. Comfort food.. :)

 

[PursuitofWonder]

Yeah just feel sad, glad I have Xanax at least. Just ordered a McDonald's home delivery. Comfort food.. :)

Understandable, glad the Xanax can help. And comfort food is always nice :). Sounds good so far! I like benzos but, its like im physically incapable of being responsible about it, if I have a bottle and take one, im probably about to wake up in a different location and have 33 missed calls.