cath55555
Addict with a Pen
- Feb 5, 2022
- 63
for those of you who don't know, I've suffered pretty badly with bulimia since 2017. 6 and a half years quite literally washed down the drain- bingeing on food and forcing myself to be sick as shame, regret and fear take over.
at the end of October this year I got a new job. I love my new job, my manager is very chilled out and nice, and I adore the type of customers we get in our store (it's a "nerdy" shop so I have lots in common with most shoppers). I even managed to stop purging right before I started the job, telling myself it was a new start and I could finally be happier and free from my eating disorder.
so I love my job. I love my cats, I've even made a new friend this month and been back in touch with a friend that I drifted from slightly (not due to an argument, just one of those things where we moved in different directions for a while).
and yet.
and yet, I am here. and yet, I have purged (been sick on purpose) 3 times this week already, including once today. and yet I suddenly feel lost, sad and yet simultaneously nothing, all at once, just like before. and yet... I am considering going to the shop near my house and buying binge food which if I'm honest I can't afford, just so I can puke again.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why can't I ever be happy?
why do I always end up wishing I was dead?
I think I'm going to commit suicide one day. I'm terrified of doing it, because I am a wimp, but I am equally terrified of being say, 70 years old and still alone and miserable.
I started purging because I was self destructive and didn't care if it killed me. I'm purging again in hopes it actually *will* kill me.
I will be lonely forever.
at the end of October this year I got a new job. I love my new job, my manager is very chilled out and nice, and I adore the type of customers we get in our store (it's a "nerdy" shop so I have lots in common with most shoppers). I even managed to stop purging right before I started the job, telling myself it was a new start and I could finally be happier and free from my eating disorder.
so I love my job. I love my cats, I've even made a new friend this month and been back in touch with a friend that I drifted from slightly (not due to an argument, just one of those things where we moved in different directions for a while).
and yet.
and yet, I am here. and yet, I have purged (been sick on purpose) 3 times this week already, including once today. and yet I suddenly feel lost, sad and yet simultaneously nothing, all at once, just like before. and yet... I am considering going to the shop near my house and buying binge food which if I'm honest I can't afford, just so I can puke again.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why can't I ever be happy?
why do I always end up wishing I was dead?
I think I'm going to commit suicide one day. I'm terrified of doing it, because I am a wimp, but I am equally terrified of being say, 70 years old and still alone and miserable.
I started purging because I was self destructive and didn't care if it killed me. I'm purging again in hopes it actually *will* kill me.
I will be lonely forever.
