NSFW Back here after getting in a relationship 🎀

[Toothless Bunny]

How do i start this?
I've never been this suicidal before, even at my lowest it was never this bad, i kept my smile even on the day i tried to ctb and failed but now i think it's over for me, it's either death or dying from a heart attack
All i can feel now is shame, disgust, pain, hatred, and obsession
The time someone gave me a bit of attention i became overly obsessed and went against my morals and values
The values i worked so hard to keep and spread are now making me feel like a hypocrite
I thought this time it would be different, i thought i am worthy of love that i can be human again not some bag full of bones
I thought that i would be able to eat again, laugh,study, enjoy life, appreciate the little things but no
I am nothing but a public toilet for free use, it takes only a few words of fake affection and i am surrendering and giving away my body
I really hate bdsm, i hate it, i think it's violence, i cannot handle it
Yet whenever he asks m surrendering, actually, i enjoy it, if he is happy then i am happy with being degraded, that's my place and i should know it, m nothing other than a cock sucker or according to his words " my place is being under his mercy sitting with his dick on top of me"
Even if my body can't handle a tiny scar, i am supposed to accept the slaps, the spits, the chocking, his fingers in my mouth
I will never show it, i want him and can't live without him ... I am a feminist and I've been doing activism in my country for two years, i don't want too see any of my sisters in this position but for me, that's my real place, degraded, taken advantage of and abused
I will never tell him that i hate it. He probably knows and doesn't care, i am not studying anymore, i am always waiting for him and ignoring all calls from my concerned friends , making the perfect nudes, admiring him, telling him that i love him
He says that he loves me sometimes, i don't believe it, but i don't mind
I am thinking of stealing chemicals from the Chem department, cz even tho i am doing this willingly, the shame is killing me
Maybe when i join mom and dad in the afterlife they would be mad, but I'm sure they would forgive me, i have nothing but a big heart and love that no one wants
It's a matter of time till i end it all

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry because, I don't know how completely consensual this is. I have no real problem with people doing whatever floats their boat consensually- so long as no one is getting hurt but, it sounds like this is hurting you. Maybe not physically but emotionally, psychologically, morally.

Ultimately, I guess it's up to you as to whether you can 'square' this in your mind I suppose. I've always loved the expression: 'Know thyself'. I think it's pretty important to work out what you do and don't want in life. Including how you like/ expect to be treated by others and try to regulate that.

I guess people put up with all sorts of shit- abuse, cheating, unwanted behaviour because they still see the greater value in having that person in their life. I guess that's a choice you'll have to make.

I'm sure your parents would forgive you. I'm so sorry for your loss there. I have a feeling they'd be worried for you though.

 

[Toothless Bunny]

I'm so sorry because, I don't know how completely consensual this is. I have no real problem with people doing whatever floats their boat consensually- so long as no one is getting hurt but, it sounds like this is hurting you. Maybe not physically but emotionally, psychologically, morally.

Ultimately, I guess it's up to you as to whether you can 'square' this in your mind I suppose. I've always loved the expression: 'Know thyself'. I think it's pretty important to work out what you do and don't want in life. Including how you like/ expect to be treated by others and try to regulate that.

I guess people put up with all sorts of shit- abuse, cheating, unwanted behaviour because they still see the greater value in having that person in their life. I guess that's a choice you'll have to make.

I'm sure your parents would forgive you. I'm so sorry for your loss there. I have a feeling they'd be worried for you though.

I bet he knows m not enjoying it, i really wish my parents can forgive me for leaving my little sister behind when she needs me the most

 

[Hvergelmir]

I am a feminist and I've been doing activism in my country for two years, i don't want too see any of my sisters in this position but for me, that's my real place, degraded, taken advantage of and abused

Lead by example.
If this is what you want to do, don't be ashamed.
If it isn't what you want to do, stop it.

From what you're writing this is self imposed. I don't know your partner, but odds are that you can work something out if you explain the situation.

i am always waiting for him and ignoring all calls from my concerned friends

Out of all, this is the most concerning to me. It's reminiscent of a cult, and will diminish your ability to get out.
Even if you choose to continue the BDSM thing, I strongly advice you to balance it with outside life.

 

[Toothless Bunny]

Lead by example.
If this is what you want to do, don't be ashamed.
If it isn't what you want to do, stop it.

From what you're writing this is self imposed. I don't know your partner, but odds are that you can work something out if you explain the situation.

Out of all, this is the most concerning to me. It's reminiscent of a cult, and will diminish your ability to get out.
Even if you choose to continue the BDSM thing, I strongly advice you to balance it with outside life.

I really don't want to, i am tired of getting hurt but if he leaves me I'll go insane

 

[Hvergelmir]

I really don't want to, i am tired of getting hurt but if he leaves me I'll go insane

That just reinforces my point, but I think you understand.

Consider consulting a professional, or people in the BDSM community. They ought to understand the power dynamics thing better that I ever can.
I suspect that situations like yours are much more common than it appears.

 

[soonnotkoei]

i know youve said multiple times that you cant live without him but i believe youre over obsessing over this person OP. so much so that youre completely cutting off the rest of the world. please take some time to think about this.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

First off, there is no such thing as being "worthy of love". Nobody is worthy of love. Love doesn't come down to whether or not you meet certain criteria to deserve it, it's something that you just feel towards another person. Love is an emotion, just like sadness or jealousy. When you feel it you can't help it.

Secondly, is your BDSM relationship consensual? If so, then you don't have room to get upset at him. Just because you assume that he knows you aren't enjoying it doesn't magically make that the case. You aren't him. You in no way know whether or not he is aware of you not enjoying it unless he has explicitly told you this. If you don't like it then it is on you to establish your boundaries, not on him to read your mind.

Thirdly, you are obsessing over this person and this isn't healthy. Tbh, this is probably a good sign that you either need to see a professional about this or even break up with him. Loving someone is one thing, but this feels more like an extreme infatuation rather than love. Your other relationships should not be neglected in favour of your bf. That's unhealthy. You are completely shaping yourself into the image that you believe he would most desire and risking losing your autonomy and self-identity in the process. This relationship feels subsuming.

You can live without him. He isn't a necessity in your life, like food or water. He's just some guy. Honestly, you should go and see a professional about this if you haven't already since this behaviour might be due to some sort of underlying mental illness that hasn't been diagnosed yet, especially if it is happening in conjunction with other symptoms, such as extreme mood-swings or issues with dissociation.


And finally, how long have you been suicidal? It's not a good idea to ctb unless you have been suicidal for years. At the end of the day, it's your life, your choice, but if you haven't already then you should look into exhausting your other options first before ctbing. If what you have mentioned in your op are the main reasons why you want to ctb then I feel like it's worth a shot to actually try to properly address these issues first before doing anything drastic. Ctbing is risky and has permanent consequences. Once you die, that is likely it. Even attempting to ctb can be risky and can lead to more suffering if shit goes wrong and you end up surviving with bodily damage.

You've stated that you have never been suicidal before so I recommend against attempting in the meantime. Everybody hits a low point in life, that's normal. For a lot of people, low points in life are temporary. Your situation seems to be one that can be addressed and worked through with the proper support. It's clear that you do have a support system around you so I implore you to take advantage of it rather than pushing your other loved ones away.

 

[GoSan1]

From the whole text, it looks like you see this situation as some punishment for yourself, which you do not deserve. No one just deserves such a thing for no reason, and neither do you.

You should leave, and start anew, especially since your comments make it sound like you hate being in that position. Letting go of something is often hard, especially if it makes one feel lonely, but after some time you will realize the importance of that because only a tiny few things are meant to be. That isn't love what you're experiencing, but being used for sexual pleasure by someone either way too dense to see you in pain or one that knows what he's doing.

Just please don't force yourself to fall into something you do not want to be and do. I would even say death is better than that.

Wishing you best of luck!

 

[Tower]

i'm going to say some critical things here, please understand that it comes from a place of empathy and concern.

obviously you know your situation better than any of us strangers but i think it's extremely problematic that you're essentially lying to your partner about your sexuality. this is horrible for you, of course, since you seem to believe you're not worthy of love except in the context of completely abandoning your identity and submitting to acts that you find shameful and psychologically damaging. but you're also potentially hurting your partners. people find their way to bdsm for many reasons. it's fine if you hate it but just reducing it to "violence" is quite offensive. it's spiritual communion and soul-fusion, same with any other authentic sexuality. and for people who mutually desire it, there is no abuse taking place—same as if you were to enjoy a violent sport, it's happening within a sacred, carefully negotiated game-space.

i'm a sadistic top, active in the BDSM scene here in NYC. obviously it's important to me that all my sexual relationships be consensual. i need to know that when i hit someone, they truly desire and derive pleasure and satisfaction from it. over the years i've had a handful of partners who presented themselves as masochists but were actually trapped in self-hatred, weren't working on their issues, and were simply using me to achieve something like self-harm by proxy. which is not something that i would ever knowingly consent to. just because you're bottoming doesn't absolve you of the requirement for truthful communication and establishing consent. you wave this responsibility away by saying that "He probably knows and doesn't care," but you can't possibly know this. the instances in which i eventually discovered that sexual partners were effectively tricking me into emotionally damaging them, making me an unwitting participant in their suicidal death spirals, left hugely negative effects on me. please understand that your actions may be seriously hurting other people as well.

also, and i hope you can receive this in the spirit with which i intend it, but take it from a borderline who's seen many of my people end up devoured by malignant narcissists and sociopaths, you sound like you might be on the cluster b spectrum. look up the borderline-narcissist dyad, see if any of it rings true for your relationship. in these dyads, the borderline usually has it worse, but both are really using each other; the narcissist uses the borderline to secure N-supply and the borderline uses the narcissist to achieve emotional regulation. a similar dynamic nearly killed me (i.e., nearly caused me to kill myself) a couple years ago. i hope you manage to find a path out of it. because on the basis of your post, we have no way of knowing your partner's real intentions. maybe they love you, maybe they hate you, maybe they don't care. but if they're suffering from NPD then it is VERY likely that you might get your wish and be driven to suicide.

what you're doing right now is very similar to people who commit by jumping in front of trains. you're plainly hoping this guy will (accidentally? since you haven't communicated the true context) abuse you enough that your mental health degrades so much that you can finally kill yourself, which i take to be your true desire. but people aren't cyanide capsules and you have no right to involve them unwittingly, much less so on the basis of false pretenses and omitted information.

 

[Toothless Bunny]

i'm going to say some critical things here, please understand that it comes from a place of empathy and concern.

obviously you know your situation better than any of us strangers but i think it's extremely problematic that you're essentially lying to your partner about your sexuality. this is horrible for you, of course, since you seem to believe you're not worthy of love except in the context of completely abandoning your identity and submitting to acts that you find shameful and psychologically damaging. but you're also potentially hurting your partners. people find their way to bdsm for many reasons. it's fine if you hate it but just reducing it to "violence" is quite offensive. it's spiritual communion and soul-fusion, same with any other authentic sexuality. and for people who mutually desire it, there is no abuse taking place—same as if you were to enjoy a violent sport, it's happening within a sacred, carefully negotiated game-space.

i'm a sadistic top, active in the BDSM scene here in NYC. obviously it's important to me that all my sexual relationships be consensual. i need to know that when i hit someone, they truly desire and derive pleasure and satisfaction from it. over the years i've had a handful of partners who presented themselves as masochists but were actually trapped in self-hatred, weren't working on their issues, and were simply using me to achieve something like self-harm by proxy. which is not something that i would ever knowingly consent to. just because you're bottoming doesn't absolve you of the requirement for truthful communication and establishing consent. you wave this responsibility away by saying that "He probably knows and doesn't care," but you can't possibly know this. the instances in which i eventually discovered that sexual partners were effectively tricking me into emotionally damaging them, making me an unwitting participant in their suicidal death spirals, left hugely negative effects on me. please understand that your actions may be seriously hurting other people as well.

also, and i hope you can receive this in the spirit with which i intend it, but take it from a borderline who's seen many of my people end up devoured by malignant narcissists and sociopaths, you sound like you might be on the cluster b spectrum. look up the borderline-narcissist dyad, see if any of it rings true for your relationship. in these dyads, the borderline usually has it worse, but both are really using each other; the narcissist uses the borderline to secure N-supply and the borderline uses the narcissist to achieve emotional regulation. a similar dynamic nearly killed me (i.e., nearly caused me to kill myself) a couple years ago. i hope you manage to find a path out of it. because on the basis of your post, we have no way of knowing your partner's real intentions. maybe they love you, maybe they hate you, maybe they don't care. but if they're suffering from NPD then it is VERY likely that you might get your wish and be driven to suicide.

what you're doing right now is very similar to people who commit by jumping in front of trains. you're plainly hoping this guy will (accidentally? since you haven't communicated the true context) abuse you enough that your mental health degrades so much that you can finally kill yourself, which i take to be your true desire. but people aren't cyanide capsules and you have no right to involve them unwittingly, much less so on the basis of false pretenses and omitted information.

He knows that i hate it, i already told him, but I'd still "consent" bcz if he leaves me then i am dying, i just want him to treat me with respect