Venting Back down the anorexia hole

[willitpass]

I was making so much progress. I had finally reached a point where more foods were safe than weren't. I was eating plenty and the guilt was starting to fade a bit. The body checks were less and less. I wasn't consumed by thoughts of food and weight and calories anymore. Those fucking jeans ruined it all. I've fallen so far deep down that hole again. I've followed thinspo accounts. I've cut down to an apple and peanut butter for every meal with one banana and one plain greek yogurt a day and some chocolate as snacks in between. I can't fathom anything else. I need to fit into those jeans again. I hate that I can't know how much I weigh. I hate that I can't have laxatives. My life is ruled by my ED once again… Every time I think I'm freeing myself.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I mean, if you were getting better once then doesn't that mean that you could rebound from this and go back on track to getting better again? You can never truly unlearn something (at least based on what I know) but you can always build on top of pre-existing behaviours. Sometimes you may relapse but that's normal. Maybe you could take this as an opportunity to learn to better cope with things, such as coming across clothing items too small for you, in order to better learn how to avoid relapsing the next time it happens.

 

[willitpass]

I mean, if you were getting better once then doesn't that mean that you could rebound from this and go back on track to getting better again? You can never truly unlearn something (at least based on what I know) but you can always build on top of pre-existing behaviours. Sometimes you may relapse but that's normal. Maybe you could take this as an opportunity to learn to better cope with things, such as coming across clothing items too small for you, in order to better learn how to avoid relapsing the next time it happens.

I honestly don't have it in me. Because even if I did get back to the same place with my ED, I'm still in the same place with my depression and suicidal thoughts as I was 5 months ago. I truly just don't believe I will ever be able to reach a point in life where I want to live. I don't have any fight in me. I'm so ready to go.

 

[g0ne1nthew1nd]

i relate to this a lot and i am really sorry for the pain u r going through. I would try to say something comforting but I am fully aware that nothing really makes it feel better when u r consumed by the monster of ED. I hope u get better and can feel better or peace <33

 

[willitpass]

I'm so tired.

 

[theboy]

I hear you