Back and forth

[rabbithole]

between unbearable mental anguish and an empty mind. My threshold for suffering increases by the day but my mind deteriorates. What the hell. I have a way out I'm just looking for the strength and the right time. Don't know if doing it at home will cause more trauma to my family. Was thinking the forest but the temperature has dropped significantly.

anyone else just barely scraping by? I don't work or go to school because of my disability. still trying to figure out if I can return to work but it's only a menial job and I was harassed there anyway. I don't know. Sn is scary to me but it's a way out. But then I don't even get to enjoy the peace because I'll be dead. Life is cruel.

sorry for the constant venting. How're you guys today?
I really want to sit by a fire with some tea and a book and not be uncomfortable, in pain or haunted by memories.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

It's okay to vent, no worries. I'd much rather read people's vents than read some of the ridiculous things that people ask here.

You seem desperate for the pain to end, I'm really sorry you're suffering so much. It sounds like you're in a bit of a tricky situation. Are your only options to attempt at home or outdoors?

 

[rabbithole]

It's okay to vent, no worries. I'd much rather read people's vents than read some of the ridiculous things that people ask here.

You seem desperate for the pain to end, I'm really sorry you're suffering so much. It sounds like you're in a bit of a tricky situation. Are your only options to attempt at home or outdoors?

Thank you <3

I am very desperate. It feels surreal to be in this situation really. Like it can't possibly be happening. My only other option is in the car but idk it seems so uncomfortable. Then my only other option is to suffer and man I cannot imagine that I won't end up in a ward just screaming. My mental fortitude is just worn down to nothing.

I appreciated your holy alliteration Batman joke on the other thread btw.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Thank you <3

I am very desperate. It feels surreal to be in this situation really. Like it can't possibly be happening. My only other option is in the car but idk it seems so uncomfortable. Then my only other option is to suffer and man I cannot imagine that I won't end up in a ward just screaming. My mental fortitude is just worn down to nothing.

I appreciated your holy alliteration Batman joke on the other thread btw.

The car definitely sounds worse than the cold outdoors. Unfortunately, it sounds like the best option for you is home. I understand your concerns about traumatizing others, especially family. :/

Ha, thank you. Glad you liked the joke.

 

[rabbithole]

The car definitely sounds worse than the cold outdoors. Unfortunately, it sounds like the best option for you is home. I understand your concerns about traumatizing others, especially family. :/

Ha, thank you. Glad you liked the joke.

Yeah I just have to wait for the right time. I just hate imaging my mom finding me. Both my parents said they wouldn't live if I died. At least im not an only child. I just wish it was possibly to call 911 and not be saved, just have them there to kind of prep my parents for my death idk.

and no problem. I'm sorry you're here. You seem like a cool person.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I just wish it was possibly to call 911 and not be saved, just have them there to kind of prep my parents for my death idk.

You know, it would be really nice to have a service like that. It's too bad professionals are held liable for people's suicides. The only things I can think of to help with your parents are prepping the area as best you can and leaving a note.

 

[the_final_countdown]

The sense of surrealness, desire to drink tea by a fire, haunted by memories, the empty mind and suffering.

You've captured everything I feel so profoundly...

I often wonder if I have the strength to live my life out this way.

I don't want to. I don't want any more grief or suffering. I've had enough for nine lifetimes. I don't want more.

I've done all I can to put life on pause and even then, the little peace I'm afforded can hardly be called peace.

There's an escape. It's there. It's within my reach..

But I can't walk through that door yet.

I feel like a ghost, damned to watch the living.

I don't know what it's like to have a thought that isn't about death. Every moment is a suicide.

How many more years until I pull the trigger.

I don't pray to God anymore. I pray for death. I pray it comes when I'm walking. When I'm eating. Something. Anything.

The Christians were right you know. There is a Heaven and Hell. But they got the order mixed up.

We're in hell. This is it. This is the place of the damned.

And heaven is on the other side. Freedom and peace. Just waiting. A silent abyss where God treads. And nothingness and darkness are all there is.

The only solace I have is that eventually, mercifully I will die. It will happen. The suffering will end one day.

It's just a matter of how much I can endure now.