Venting Back again

[silentinbetween]

you know, I had a couple of good months. Somehow got in a relationship, was functional, even happy at times. Of fucking course it couldn't last. Here I am again. Alone because I wasn't enough for him. Because he couldn't deal with my depression even when it was better than it had been for years. Because I'm never enough and I fucking hate myself for it. Before, I was concerned with dying peacefully, but frankly, now I don't really give a shit. Which is fucking freeing. Might be ctb much sooner than my planned deadline. Or maybe not cuz I'm a worthless fuck that can't follow though or whatever. Fuck it. I hate living.

 

[Donewith_]

If you are beating yourself only on the point of your ex leaving you, I think you don't need to. If he can not stick around you in a small phase of depression, surely he will not stay beside you for the decades yet to come..and he'll not stand up for you. You are better off without such persons. Yeah.. it takes sometime after breakup to get along with life..

 

[silentinbetween]

Thank your for the reply, it is really really comforting to hear. I'm going to rant more here, mostly because i want to keep it contained in one thread.
Sometimes I feel alright. I'm outside because I have no solid excuse to stay in and because I don't want people to notice just how bad it's gotten, but I'm ok. Almost enjoying myself. But then something hits me and suddenly I'm somewhere I don't want to be playing a sport I'm bad at surrounded by people who don't care about me and the music is too loud and I know I look like shit and I don't have the energy to try anymore. It's like all the illusions fall away.
And I hate my dreams. They used to be nightmares, but now they're disgustingly happy. Ideal versions of my life that could have been if only. They taunt me and then disappear and I would prefer the monsters that try to kill me outright. This hurts more.

 

[Donewith_]

Thank your for the reply, it is really really comforting to hear. I'm going to rant more here, mostly because i want to keep it contained in one thread.
Sometimes I feel alright. I'm outside because I have no solid excuse to stay in and because I don't want people to notice just how bad it's gotten, but I'm ok. Almost enjoying myself. But then something hits me and suddenly I'm somewhere I don't want to be playing a sport I'm bad at surrounded by people who don't care about me and the music is too loud and I know I look like shit and I don't have the energy to try anymore. It's like all the illusions fall away.
And I hate my dreams. They used to be nightmares, but now they're disgustingly happy. Ideal versions of my life that could have been if only. They taunt me and then disappear and I would prefer the monsters that try to kill me outright. This hurts more.

I myself am mentally ill. But I can understand some of what you are suffering with.

 

[silentinbetween]

this might just be because I've never gotten a diagnosis, but before coming here I've never considered myself as someone with a mental illness. It's obvious that something isn't right, with the racing heartbeat and nausea and vertigo that go with anxiety or the periods of crippling exhaustion and apathy, or the episodes of intense self hatred and self harm, or the eating disorder at times, not to mention how much I want to die (obviously). But I just feel like I'm an idiot fuckup more than someone struggling with a mental illness, if that makes sense. I don't know anymore. And it's not like it matters

 

[therhydler]

Thank your for the reply, it is really really comforting to hear. I'm going to rant more here, mostly because i want to keep it contained in one thread.
Sometimes I feel alright. I'm outside because I have no solid excuse to stay in and because I don't want people to notice just how bad it's gotten, but I'm ok. Almost enjoying myself. But then something hits me and suddenly I'm somewhere I don't want to be playing a sport I'm bad at surrounded by people who don't care about me and the music is too loud and I know I look like shit and I don't have the energy to try anymore. It's like all the illusions fall away.
And I hate my dreams. They used to be nightmares, but now they're disgustingly happy. Ideal versions of my life that could have been if only. They taunt me and then disappear and I would prefer the monsters that try to kill me outright. This hurts more.

I know exactly what you mean with the dreams... I have the same. It's terrible. I'm sorry:(

 

[Jodes]

......... But I just feel like I'm an idiot fuckup more than someone struggling with a mental illness, if that makes sense. I don't know anymore. And it's not like it matters

Hard times and genes. Don't blame yourself or put yourself down, you're not an idiot fuckup

 

[silentinbetween]

I'm just so FUCKING tired all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and just stop existing. Im so tired all the time and trying to talk to people makes my heart jump and my head feel like im being beat up and im too fucking tired to do anything but i have to keep functioning even though i dont want to i dont want to do anything im so tired im so tired im so tired I wake up tired and i sleep and i sleep but it doesnt even help and im tired when im angry and im tired when im sad and im just always so goddamn tired i just want to rest goddamnit. im so fucking aware of my heartbeat all the time and I just wish it would stop so I could float away.

 

[silentinbetween]

i dont even care anymore i just want to stop existing theres too much going on and I cant keep up I want to curl up and feel safe but theres nowhere i can go and im wasting time and i know it but i cant stop i just wish i could stop time and hide somewhere small and warm and stay there for a million years and just rest and breathe but thats not an option and I want to be held but nobody wants to deal with me- i have plenty of "friends" but at the end of the day i could disappear and they wouldn't fcking notice- ive done it before. and i dont even like them anyways, i cant relate, i just stick by them because i dont want to be alone but i dont even care about them. ive cared for people before, ive known what is was like to be surrounded by people that you genuinely care about but at the end of the day i was dispensable for them because im never the first choice and at this point i dont even give a shit. nobody fucking likes me, not even myself so why the hell am i still here????

actually scratch that i fucking hate myself i want to kick myself in the fucking head but im not fkin flexible enough for that so i have to settle for throwing myself into walls and carving words into my skin because thats what a well adjusted person does, right? Every time someone finds out i self harm its a train wreck. my parents called me arrogant and selfish for some goddamn reason because i guess the whole point of hiding that i was self harming was just to get attention or something.

how the HELL are people so GODDAMN HAPPY i dont fucking get it its like everyone is plugged into some happiness machine but me i swear to god where the FUCK do these people get the energy?????? It takes me so goddamn long just to get up in the morning because im so fucking tired of existing and here these people are having the energy to care about so much stupid shit i just dont fucking get it.

 

[silentinbetween]

how the hell am I going to find the strength to kill myself when I dont even have the energy to make eye contact?

 

[silentinbetween]

I haven't been able to talk to anyone in three weeks now- just making eye contact makes my heart jolt. My ex has a girl he's going for. It's hard to see him so unaffected and happy. I miss having someone. I'm just tired of exsisting. Too tired to post, half the time. Nobody fucking likes me. And honestly, I don't even like them either. But I'm lonely. I miss being held.

 

[silentinbetween]

Guess who's still here? Me. Dammit. I had another couple of good weeks. I can feel the black settling in again. I read a book today, and the main character tried to off herself. Of course, in the book, someone saves her and she's grateful and medical help heals her and happy ever after. I wish. I wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone but I'm also so so lonely. But more than that I'm just tired again. I wish I could disappear.