AInilam
Student
- Dec 17, 2023
- 173
Back after a short hiatus and a failed attempt. My mind feels kind of shot right now so this post is going to be a bit all over the place.
I failed last year's attempt only to wound right back where I was before the start of last year. This time with a new method that I hope will work and wont cause me to go into such a panic. I don't feel stronger after what happened last year but I do feel a bit wiser, albeit more apathetic towards death. Actually, I feel like my experience only further solidified my understanding that this world was never worth living in--at least not for someone like me. I've long since given up. The only thing that was holding me back last year was SI and a crippling case of thanatophobia.
Now I just can't bring myself to care anymore. Nothing really seems to matter or feel real anymore. I don't want to exist anymore. I no longer dream of an afterlife where I could recreate myself and exist in a world of my own making, somewhere surreal, soft and beautiful. I don't care about the future, I don't care about the past or present. All I want to do is finish what I started, go with dignity and fulfill what little desires I've left. Throw myself a little home-coming party even though at this point I'm pretty sure there was never a home to come back to.
Before I used to go out of my way to find evidence of there being an afterlife. I'd comb NDE websites, constantly watch youtube videos of supposed ''ghosts caught on camera'' (that I now know where all fake) and even dabbled in spiritualism for a while. All for it to amount to nothing but a mild case of schizophrenia.
I guess I wanted the spiritual shotgun that comes with believing in an all-knowing, ever-loving divine being looking out for me. I wanted the comfort in knowing that there was more to reality than this life, that this was all merely a simulation--and that maybe I was put here for a reason, either to learn, to grow or to help others. Either way I've failed my objective miserably. I know now that it was all just another fairytale--like so many of life's disappointments. Now I understand why someone would prefer oblivion over paradise. For me, consciousness has become a burden that I can no longer bear.
Even if I were given the ability to create my own perfect little dream world, I don't think I could live with these memories. I don't even know if I have it in me to forgive my creator for the suffering they've put me through and allowed here on earth, no matter how pure their intentions or benevolent they turn out to be. After all the horrors I've experienced, seen and heard--I've just been rendered completely faithless. Everyday I find it more difficult to believe that this isn't actually hell--and that I'm somehow being forced to live through this cosmic horror as some kind of punishment or sick joke. For what? I wish I knew. Maybe my greatest sin was being born to begin with.
Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this--I'm just glad to be back I guess even if it's just for a little while.
I failed last year's attempt only to wound right back where I was before the start of last year. This time with a new method that I hope will work and wont cause me to go into such a panic. I don't feel stronger after what happened last year but I do feel a bit wiser, albeit more apathetic towards death. Actually, I feel like my experience only further solidified my understanding that this world was never worth living in--at least not for someone like me. I've long since given up. The only thing that was holding me back last year was SI and a crippling case of thanatophobia.
Now I just can't bring myself to care anymore. Nothing really seems to matter or feel real anymore. I don't want to exist anymore. I no longer dream of an afterlife where I could recreate myself and exist in a world of my own making, somewhere surreal, soft and beautiful. I don't care about the future, I don't care about the past or present. All I want to do is finish what I started, go with dignity and fulfill what little desires I've left. Throw myself a little home-coming party even though at this point I'm pretty sure there was never a home to come back to.
Before I used to go out of my way to find evidence of there being an afterlife. I'd comb NDE websites, constantly watch youtube videos of supposed ''ghosts caught on camera'' (that I now know where all fake) and even dabbled in spiritualism for a while. All for it to amount to nothing but a mild case of schizophrenia.
I guess I wanted the spiritual shotgun that comes with believing in an all-knowing, ever-loving divine being looking out for me. I wanted the comfort in knowing that there was more to reality than this life, that this was all merely a simulation--and that maybe I was put here for a reason, either to learn, to grow or to help others. Either way I've failed my objective miserably. I know now that it was all just another fairytale--like so many of life's disappointments. Now I understand why someone would prefer oblivion over paradise. For me, consciousness has become a burden that I can no longer bear.
Even if I were given the ability to create my own perfect little dream world, I don't think I could live with these memories. I don't even know if I have it in me to forgive my creator for the suffering they've put me through and allowed here on earth, no matter how pure their intentions or benevolent they turn out to be. After all the horrors I've experienced, seen and heard--I've just been rendered completely faithless. Everyday I find it more difficult to believe that this isn't actually hell--and that I'm somehow being forced to live through this cosmic horror as some kind of punishment or sick joke. For what? I wish I knew. Maybe my greatest sin was being born to begin with.
Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this--I'm just glad to be back I guess even if it's just for a little while.
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