Venting Awkward and lonely

[The Disqualified]

Why I am so awkward with others?
Were those men laughing with me or at me?
Why are human beings like that?
Why am I like this? Why couldn't I just be normal?
What will happen when they finally find out the truth?
I overcommit and then later create so many problems for myself. They corner me by all sides. I push through, but then later can't keep up with all the exhausting demands of socializing with human beings. I try to be fun and spontaneous.
Perhaps I should lean more into my fun wacky persona. I shouldn't act this serious. If I can't escape, I will just lose it and just cut my losses.
Suicide is the only way I see myself escaping this one. Today will be torturous again, I know. But I must revisit that place.

 

[randomuser2348]

Why I am so awkward with others?
Were those men laughing with me or at me?
Why are human beings like that?
Why am I like this? Why couldn't I just be normal?
What will happen when they finally find out the truth?
I overcommit and then later create so many problems for myself. They corner me by all sides. I push through, but then later can't keep up with all the exhausting demands of socializing with human beings. I try to be fun and spontaneous.
Perhaps I should lean more into my fun wacky persona. I shouldn't act this serious. If I can't escape, I will just lose it and just cut my losses.
Suicide is the only way I see myself escaping this one. Today will be torturous again, I know. But I must revisit that place.

Finished Year 12 by giving up and isolating myself at home. Socializing with anyone within my age range feels impossible. Any sort of social fault feels like a branding on my forehead, declaring me incapable, diseased, an outcast, someone to be ostracized for the good of the people.

Are you autistic? Realizing that nothing I will do can change the nature of my disorders helped me cope. Telling myself I'm living life on damage control mode helped me sink further into my isolation, though that may just be an underlying desire to withdraw.

OCD, ADHD, and PTSD are my cards. Sometimes the winning move is not to play.