timorousTruant
Azoidant
- Nov 18, 2022
- 26
So, I'm back here again. I posted here a bit back in 2022, then tried to recover. Guess how that turned out.
I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, severe anxiety, and agoraphobia. Going anywhere that isn't my house and my job is terrifying and I'm functionally disabled by fear.
I tried really hard to get better. I started aggressively exposing myself to my fears, but nothing stuck—I travelled to another state by train alone. I tried working the customer-facing position at my job (where normally I'm hidden in the back), but after messing up and embarrassing myself multiple times like I always do, I hid again. I started trying to drive, but was so terrified and would freeze up constantly to the point it was getting dangerous, so I gave up.
I made some progress, then immediately backslid. All my efforts are undone the second something bad happens, and I have to start from square one every time. Pushing myself for the sake of exposure feels like self-harm. It feels like a punishment.
I hate how I am. I'm completely dependent on my family for everything. I'm a child in a twenty year-old's body.
I've completely isolated myself from everyone that isn't immediate family. I even work for the family business. I doubt I'm capable of getting another job. I'm a completely useless failure. No skills, no goals, just empty. Interacting with anyone at all is exhausting. My eating disorder consumes all my thoughts and energy. I don't care about anything.
I couldn't even complete highschool. I dropped out six years ago, a month or so into freshman year because the anxiety was so bad. I couldn't speak in class, I ate every lunch alone in the third floor bathroom, and I'd freak out so badly in the crowded halls I couldn't even focus on getting from class to class.
I literally cannot do anything. Everything terrifies me. I'm a useless fuckup—and the moment I enter a public space, I feel like everyone, every single person can tell. I feel judged when no one is looking. I feel like I'm messing up and making a fool of myself just by existing in front of people. When I'm alone, I'm tormented by memories of every vaguely embarrassing thing I've ever done. I'm ashamed and guilt-stricken for being so dependent on my family. I can't handle talking to anybody because they'll find out how useless I am.
I can't do this anymore. I don't have a future. My life has been over for a long time now.
So, I'm back here. I'm hoping to find a reliable and mostly painless way to ctb. I just want it to be over.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, severe anxiety, and agoraphobia. Going anywhere that isn't my house and my job is terrifying and I'm functionally disabled by fear.
I tried really hard to get better. I started aggressively exposing myself to my fears, but nothing stuck—I travelled to another state by train alone. I tried working the customer-facing position at my job (where normally I'm hidden in the back), but after messing up and embarrassing myself multiple times like I always do, I hid again. I started trying to drive, but was so terrified and would freeze up constantly to the point it was getting dangerous, so I gave up.
I made some progress, then immediately backslid. All my efforts are undone the second something bad happens, and I have to start from square one every time. Pushing myself for the sake of exposure feels like self-harm. It feels like a punishment.
I hate how I am. I'm completely dependent on my family for everything. I'm a child in a twenty year-old's body.
I've completely isolated myself from everyone that isn't immediate family. I even work for the family business. I doubt I'm capable of getting another job. I'm a completely useless failure. No skills, no goals, just empty. Interacting with anyone at all is exhausting. My eating disorder consumes all my thoughts and energy. I don't care about anything.
I couldn't even complete highschool. I dropped out six years ago, a month or so into freshman year because the anxiety was so bad. I couldn't speak in class, I ate every lunch alone in the third floor bathroom, and I'd freak out so badly in the crowded halls I couldn't even focus on getting from class to class.
I literally cannot do anything. Everything terrifies me. I'm a useless fuckup—and the moment I enter a public space, I feel like everyone, every single person can tell. I feel judged when no one is looking. I feel like I'm messing up and making a fool of myself just by existing in front of people. When I'm alone, I'm tormented by memories of every vaguely embarrassing thing I've ever done. I'm ashamed and guilt-stricken for being so dependent on my family. I can't handle talking to anybody because they'll find out how useless I am.
I can't do this anymore. I don't have a future. My life has been over for a long time now.
So, I'm back here. I'm hoping to find a reliable and mostly painless way to ctb. I just want it to be over.
Thanks for letting me vent.
