Szarur-abi
I Useless dipsh*t I
- Apr 25, 2024
- 30
For a long time i was trying my best avoid talking to people or avoid in general in workplaces or schools ive been in.
Like after lectures end to avoid walking/meeting/talking with anyone i would close myself in bathroom and wait for like 15 minutes when everyone goes their way so there is no risk on bumping into someone... And avoid smalltalk or talking about future and shit like this ,_, Alternatively i would just speed from lecture room just to be ahead of everyone and be first on tram stop and then pretend i dont see anyone put headphones and zone out in my world.
Im now in work and im thinking how to not bump into coworkers after shift ends, i just want to be alone on my way home tbh and im usually awkard in social situations unless im in good mood or st.
Sometimes im quite talkative tho, especially with people i like but most of times my head is empty and i dont know what i should say in casual conversations and do smalltalk... Like i could talk about traffic engineering, social engineering, politics, philosophy, games, movies or most things but i absolutely suck and hate smalltalk and thats what i try to avoid by avoiding people cause most people prefer smalltalk, gossiping and other things that i dislike ,_,
Im not coherent, i dont even know what i try to communicate... ,_,
The thing is i was bullied for 10 years straight and from it im afraid of most people even random people on streets hate me or laughts at me in their heads, yesterday i was returning in bus and there was on back the group of loud teenagers and for entire road my heart was pumping fast and i was feeling sick and was sure that they were laughing at me or actively mocks me in their talks... When i think of it i know its absurd but my body and my mind thought otherwise, even when i pass people on the streets im sometimes afraid of them... What is funny im tall men so i shouldnt be afraid i guess, but i have experienced enough bullying and violence to know that this isnt true? Iiiii dont know really...
i would like to close myself in my room and quit job and idk rot in bed, but probably my parents would kick my ass for it
Like after lectures end to avoid walking/meeting/talking with anyone i would close myself in bathroom and wait for like 15 minutes when everyone goes their way so there is no risk on bumping into someone... And avoid smalltalk or talking about future and shit like this ,_, Alternatively i would just speed from lecture room just to be ahead of everyone and be first on tram stop and then pretend i dont see anyone put headphones and zone out in my world.
Im now in work and im thinking how to not bump into coworkers after shift ends, i just want to be alone on my way home tbh and im usually awkard in social situations unless im in good mood or st.
Sometimes im quite talkative tho, especially with people i like but most of times my head is empty and i dont know what i should say in casual conversations and do smalltalk... Like i could talk about traffic engineering, social engineering, politics, philosophy, games, movies or most things but i absolutely suck and hate smalltalk and thats what i try to avoid by avoiding people cause most people prefer smalltalk, gossiping and other things that i dislike ,_,
Im not coherent, i dont even know what i try to communicate... ,_,
The thing is i was bullied for 10 years straight and from it im afraid of most people even random people on streets hate me or laughts at me in their heads, yesterday i was returning in bus and there was on back the group of loud teenagers and for entire road my heart was pumping fast and i was feeling sick and was sure that they were laughing at me or actively mocks me in their talks... When i think of it i know its absurd but my body and my mind thought otherwise, even when i pass people on the streets im sometimes afraid of them... What is funny im tall men so i shouldnt be afraid i guess, but i have experienced enough bullying and violence to know that this isnt true? Iiiii dont know really...
i would like to close myself in my room and quit job and idk rot in bed, but probably my parents would kick my ass for it