Autoaggression and suicde

[noname223]

I think many depressed people know self-loathing and maybe the feeling that oneself is a fraud. For me i also deal with autoaggression. Sometimes i have an outburst of fury because i am so upset due to my life. It is often towards the people who destroyed my life and towards myself. This aggression can lead to suicidal ideation. Especially this self-hatred can make my suicidal. I sometimes imagine a very brutal death in order to ease this aggression. But if death comes closer i rather prefer something like SN.
Do you experience something similar?

 

[Intotheflames]

Definitely. Not one for cut pain but during the height of my frustration, I used to slap myself, hit my head against or punch the wall. Broke a mirror with my forehead, broke a hand dryer too, and shouted to a salesman once. There were also shouting matches between me and my mom. The outburst was only tamed when I entertained the suicide thoughts, those thoughts really brought some comfort to me.

 

[Neowise]

I used to slap myself, hit my head against or punch the wall.

Oh wow, I'm kinda relieved that I am not the only one. I have never, ever told anyone because I feel like a psycho for it and I'm kinda ashamed. Occasionally I get really angry at myself if I continuously fail at doing a certain task and hit my head with my hand or fist to "force my brain to start working already". And when I play the piano and keep repeating the same error I slam the finger that keeps pressing the the wrong key on the edge of the table so that my stupid brain finally gets it. Though I gotta say it helps, usually I don't repeat the error again, almost as if it resolved a blockade in my head lol.

I guess that is a form of auto-aggression. I never thought about it and nobody knows, I'm surprised myself because I usually never get that aggressive that fast. Maybe that just shows my self-hatred.
I think this post has helped me become more aware of this behaviour of mine.

 

[Mentalmick]

Most of the time when I get angry the anger is directed inwards and that results in me hurting myself.