Autistic/Asperger's poll: Do you truly lack empathy or just feel it "incorrectly"?

[not_a_robot]

I think "lacks empathy" is one of those bullshit statements incompetent NT therapists coined in order to demonize autistics for being different.
The example I will use is simply because it's well known enough to be a cliché, is Temple Grandin and the cows in the slaughterhouse. Temple would be called "un-empathetic" based on things like not smiling at NTs when they want, not greeting and making small talk when it suited NTs, not pretending to "feel bad" for NTs' unhappiness if it didn't affect her.
Yet when she saw the distress of the cows in the slaughterhouse, she may not have wept for them (a useless NT expression of 'empathy'), but she felt cognitively compelled to observe their behavior and use it to find a way to minimize their distress.
I call this not "lack of empathy", but "cognitive empathy".
Because her analytical response to NTs and animals in distress was atypical, it would be called "lacking".

If you see an animal in distress or being abused, do you feel nothing, or something? I definitely feel something. I want to kill the abuser and rescue the child/animal. Or instead of immediately bursting into tears, I try to think of the best way to stop the abuse. That's empathy, just for the creature being abused instead of the human abuser. I don't think the fact that I would fail to smile and make smalltalk with the human abuser, or fail to immediately respond to their anger by acting angry myself, means I "lack empathy". I just have little to no empathy for most humans because most humans are awful if you observe them long enough.
Also most autistics get mercilessly bullied by NTs from an early age, so why should we care about smiling at them and mimicing their shallow self-centered emotions ffs? I don't want to smile and make small talk when I see them, I want to run or to punch. But that's just me. I digress.

I honestly think autistics are capable of tremendous empathy, NTs just pretend it's "incorrect" because it doesn't always favor them the way they want. Also having muted emotional responses is a blessing not a curse. NTs constantly use others' predictable emotional responses to cruelly manipulate each other, it is good to be more reserved and logical.

 

[Sayo]

Other, answer in post:

I am fairly sure I feel an excessive amount of empathy and it is misunderstood both because I struggle to express it and because my reactions can be inappropriate in general (I empathise with non normative things overtly). I can't verify how 'real' or 'authentic' any emotion is except pain when I'm always masking. I also taught myself to prioritise empathy as I was a little late to fully develop it. This trained aspect of it makes me hesitate to say how real (i.e. non-Pavlovian) a reaction it is from me. The distinction is pretty murky as most human behaviour is trained to some extent.

Most people I know intimately are also autistic and seem to empathise fine or excessively, but share discomfort and uncertainty in expressing or receiving it. We were also all abused in childhood, which disrupts how one responds to crises and such.

I was never cold/robotic inside, even when I lacked empathy or regard for others, but my affect can be. Like many autistic people, I feel contempt (something of an anti-empathy) rather strongly, and I can shut my empathy off in a way I'm told is unnatural (????) and very sudden when I feel threatened. That probably has more to do with the type of abuse I experienced, though.

I am incredibly inhibited due to the terrorism that accompanies autistic emoting. It sucks.

The idea that autistic people have limited empathy is outdated thought and lingers as a myth and misunderstanding of the mis-socialised autistic. I do think socialisation matters tremendously. I was highly self aware , parented by people who emphasised my differences and forced me to develop great emotional capacity to look after them, and also diagnosed at ten, so empathy was a focus for me and something I could more easily target. The stereotypical guy who hasn't been socialised much emotionally (and is just thought of as cold) and finds out he's autistic in his twenties or thirties might have a very different relationship with empathy, as might an autistic woman who wasn't diagnosed due to systemic oversight and punished all her life for failing to be a caring woman—you do see hurt people lean into the things they've been told or perceive are different about them. I don't like to dismiss other autistic people who say they have empathy problems as I don't doubt many of us do (and I struggle with some of it myself). Basically what you described, really. Autistic people are bad at making themselves play along with stupid things consciously, and that's why you see such a difference between masking and responses to explicit requests to fit in better (usually bullying).

 

[not_a_robot]

Other, answer in post:

I am fairly sure I feel an excessive amount of empathy and it is misunderstood both because I struggle to express it and because my reactions can be inappropriate in general (I empathise with non normative things overtly). I can't verify how 'real' or 'authentic' any emotion is except pain when I'm always masking. I also taught myself to prioritise empathy as I was a little late to fully develop it. This trained aspect of it makes me hesitate to say how real (i.e. non-Pavlovian) a reaction it is from me. The distinction is pretty murky as most human behaviour is trained to some extent.

Most people I know intimately are also autistic and seem to empathise fine or excessively, but share discomfort and uncertainty in expressing or receiving it. We were also all abused in childhood, which disrupts how one responds to crises and such.

I was never cold/robotic inside, even when I lacked empathy or regard for others, but my affect can be. Like many autistic people, I feel contempt (something of an anti-empathy) rather strongly, and I can shut my empathy off in a way I'm told is unnatural (????) and very sudden when I feel threatened. That probably has more to do with the type of abuse I experienced, though.

I am incredibly inhibited due to the terrorism that accompanies autistic emoting. It sucks.

The idea that autistic people have limited empathy is outdated thought and lingers as a myth and misunderstanding of the mis-socialised autistic. I do think socialisation matters tremendously. I was highly self aware , parented by people who emphasised my differences and forced me to develop great emotional capacity to look after them, and also diagnosed at ten, so empathy was a focus for me and something I could more easily target. The stereotypical guy who hasn't been socialised much emotionally (and is just thought of as cold) and finds out he's autistic in his twenties or thirties might have a very different relationship with empathy, as might an autistic woman who wasn't diagnosed due to systemic oversight and punished all her life for failing to be a caring woman—you do see hurt people lean into the things they've been told or perceive are different about them. I don't like to dismiss other autistic people who say they have empathy problems as I don't doubt many of us do (and I struggle with some of it myself). Basically what you described, really. Autistic people are bad at making themselves play along with stupid things consciously, and that's why you see such a difference between masking and responses to explicit requests to fit in better (usually bullying).

I have also always had a theory that the "shut-down", non-functional and non-verbal autistics are actually feeling and perceiving a tremendous amount of what goes on around them but are unable to express it in any way that would be understood, and on some level they know it's pointless to try, hence the rocking/mute/headbanging type behaviors. That could just be projecting though. I remember the first time I saw non-verbal autistics I immediately felt like I recognized in them my own soul-crushing frustration at the utter impossibility of making myself understood, despite having supposedly above-average verbal acuity. I just thought "yep.that's exactly how I feel inside. I'd rather bash my fucking face on floor and never speak again than try to talk to anyone, they understand nothing, because they don't want to."

But it was too late to go mute, they already knew I could talk.

 

[inconsequential]

I HAVE empathy, I can also just switch it the fuck off if my brain decides it doesn't like the human/thing I am supposed to be giving a shit about.

It doesn't manifest normally either; I'm not one to initiate physical contact (hugs, shoulder pats, etc), I am mad awkward around NTs who are crying, bc they expect something of me and I am unsure what.

The stereotype that we don't have empathy likely stems from when they thought autists were invalids.

 

[not_a_robot]

I HAVE empathy, I can also just switch it the fuck off if my brain decides it doesn't like the human/thing I am supposed to be giving a shit about.

It doesn't manifest normally either; I'm not one to initiate physical contact (hugs, shoulder pats, etc), I am mad awkward around NTs who are crying, bc they expect something of me and I am unsure what.

The stereotype that we don't have empathy likely stems from when they thought autists were invalids.

I have become very touchy-feely but it's not just neediness or camaraderie.
I use it to try to reassure them that although I'm different, I am harmless (pat pat pat) and I use it almost as a way of dominating the other person without meaning to (I am allowed to touch you, you won't mind) and also to see if people are being honest with me.
When NTs try to manipulate me by being "friendly", I'll start initiating a lot of casual touching (high fives, fistbumps) and it's very revealing of their true intent. The people who are only being friendly to manipulate me will hesitate or flinch or look disgusted at an unexpected touch lol.
When my social workers are acting all buddybuddy, if I pat their shoulder in casual sympathy, they flinch so hard with visceral disgust that they look like they're going to jump out of their skin. They can't hide it, they fucking *despise* me. No pokerfaces whatsoever. Fucking amateurs.
(this last technique won't work on someone wants sex though, they will welcome touching even if they despise me)

 

[NBreatheMe]

Both my father and my ex boyfriend (just my friend now) have asperger's syndrome and I think they have the capacity to feel empathy, just have no idea how to go with it. I have dysthymia and they're some of my biggest support, somehow, I have to see them going crazy trying to help to make me feel better.
My ex told me once I should know he loves me and cares for my happines, but the only way he can let me know so it's staying close and smile at me when I cry.
Maybe we all should considere that when coping with autistic people.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

I don't lack empathy for being autistic, but I certainly don't feel it strongly as the so-called neurotypicals. When I do feel empathy, however, I try to supress whatever emotional response associated and find a way to actually help the person/animal my empathy is directed at, and that may be saw as cold or uncaring by people, when in fact I'm just trying to find a rational solution to the problem. That's not only an autistic/asperger thing, though. Many people with my personality type do that.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't lack empathy for being autistic, but I certainly don't feel it strongly as the so-called neurotypicals. When I do feel empathy, however, I try to supress whatever emotional response associated and find a way to actually help the person/animal my empathy is directed at, and that may be saw as cold or uncaring by people, when in fact I'm just trying to find a rational solution to the problem. That's not only an autistic/asperger thing, though. Many people with my personality type do that.

I think 99% of empathy displayed by NTs is fake bullshit. Just a show they put on to maintain their social status.
Most NTs wouldn't know empathy if it sat on their face, it's all programmed displays with no real emotion. That's how they betray people constantly, their feelings, if any, are shallow and fleeting. Most NTs would argue stridently that I am wrong about them, their emotions are special and sacred and meaningful and permanent...and that too would just be another programmed display.

Just my opinion of them.