Story Autism

[filthyrottendirty]

I'm black, autistic and a woman. I'm 24, I realized almost three years ago. I broke down crying, everything started to make sense. From the time I was 9 years old and overhead a girl in my class telling others I'm retarded. To the constant eye rolling, the dirty looks, the patronizing, the knowing pitying looks, the staring, the laughing...I'm an idiot for thinking I was normal. I had to quit my last job because of crushing suicidal thoughts on top of being autistic (my supervisor spoke to me like she thought I was slow). My father thinks I don't know how to use a washing machine. I just don't see the point anymore. My hopes and dreams are already dead.

 

[SweetDreams500]

People are so judgmental, it's ridiculous.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Same apart from black, got diagnosed when I was young though. Not nice at all, the world definitely isn't run with us in mind, it is exhausting trying to keep up, impossible really just leads to complete collapse. Wish there was an easier way not sure there ever will be though. I AM slow as hell, I think the pills made it worse because I've been fired from every job I had tried after I started taking them. Don't have any suggestions really because if I knew them I surely wouldn't be on this website but I relate massively.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

sometimes people talk down to young girls, it's not really right they should be encouraging them.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have had mild autism my whole life, I know what it is like. I think many people fail to understand autism and they are ignorant about it. I think I have struggled in life because the world is made for neurotypical people and I have problems communicating and I have a strong dislike of certain sounds etc. People have always been patronizing to me too because of it. I wish you well. This world and the people in it can be so cruel.

 

[Jemo_]

Same case here, I got diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome which is also in the autism spectrum. Its really hard to keep up with neurotypicals , it usually feels like I am always a step back.
I envy those days when autistic people used to be recognized, venerated and respected artists and writers in the societies and communities of the previous centuries. The modern world of this century just feels like it wasn't wired for us in my opinion. We're neglected, sidelined and not appreciated for who we really are.
I long for the day when autistic people will be treated with the respect they deserve...but I don't see it coming by a long shot.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I wonder if I have Autism, what is the biggest challenge you find the most?

 

[Deadlyroses]

You sound like me except I'm 25 and I have horrible ADHD. I suspect that I may have autism as well, but I haven't been diagnosed with it. I hope to get assessed for it before I die. Even if nothing were to come of it, it'd still be nice to get that clarification to make sense of this shit. Existing like this has been fucking traumatic. The loneliness and self hate..the feeling that everyone's always ahead of me and I'm always struggling to keep up. The constant sense of failure. The feeling that I can't do ANYTHING right. Not fitting in wherever I go. Not knowing how to socialize. Struggling to do basic shit. Struggling to fucking function. It's hell. I can't wait to die.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I wonder if I have Autism, what is the biggest challenge you find the most?

Faking being a normal person. I can pretend to be really outgoing for maybe a month then I just crash and burn, alcohol helps but having to drink alcohol for every social interaction is ridiculous.

 

[Bat 17]

Faking being a normal person. I can pretend to be really outgoing for maybe a month then I just crash and burn, alcohol helps but having to drink alcohol for every social interaction is ridiculous.

Is the alcohol for social anxiety or to help you keep up/speak up in social situations ?

 

[filthyrottendirty]

Thank you all, for once I don't feel like the most worthless person on the planet.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Is the alcohol for social anxiety or to help you keep up/speak up in social situations ?

For anxiety I think and just to be able to speak more freely. I take pills for that now well the anxiety. I would rarely last a whole night out but at least I had my fun.

 

[Bat 17]

For anxiety I think and just to be able to speak more freely. I take pills for that now well the anxiety. I would rarely last a whole night out but at least I had my fun.

That's really great that you can do this and have fun as a lot of people with autistic spectrum find it socially debilitating as I'm sure you know

 

[filthyrottendirty]

I wonder if I have Autism, what is the biggest challenge you find the most?

Not understanding social norms which lead to making faux pas and overall awkward situations, "spacing out", it's kind of hard to explain, sometimes I just do and say dumb things and I don't know why. You have to live with people treating you like an idiot and you can't even blame them because you act like an idiot...you're just smart enough to know how stupid you are (what kind of hellish existence is this?) Its a bit different for everyone so take that with a grain of salt.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

That's really great that you can do this and have fun as a lot of people with autistic spectrum find it socially debilitating as I'm sure you know

Yes I had a lot of help growing up which I am glad for but leaving school I couldn't carry on and went backwards. Changing from teenager to adult was a lot harder than I thought it would be, it's like I slipped back down the ladder now I am a shell of that person.

 

[Bat 17]

It has been said to me a number of times by healthcare professionals that I am on the autistic spectrum. I can see why because I do have social anxiety (which I've largely overcome as I've aged), I do zone out, I do have fairly rigid thinking at times, and I get fixed obsessions/ interests. I did the AQ but didn't meet the threshold

Yes I had a lot of help growing up which I am glad for but leaving school I couldn't carry on and went backwards. Changing from teenager to adult was a lot harder than I thought it would be, it's like I slipped back down the ladder now I am a shell of that person.

It's a difficult time, I really struggled making the transition from school to university and self medicated with dope which didn't help at all. Finding work that you enjoy doing helps, if you can manage it

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

It has been said to me a number of times by healthcare professionals that I am on the autistic spectrum. I can see why because I do have social anxiety (which I've largely overcome as I've aged), I do zone out, I do have fairly rigid thinking at times, and I get fixed obsessions/ interests. I did the AQ but didn't meet the threshold

It's a difficult time, I really struggled making the transition from school to university and self medicated with dope which didn't help at all. Finding work that you enjoy doing helps, if you can manage it

I didn't finish university I couldn't, I wish I never went really, self medication is a common thing I think and probably better doing it with that than alcohol. It would be nice to find work like that but I'd get fired again I am positive, I'm too slow, I'm too clumsy, I'm too forgetful, too shy, too dumb. It is just another disappointment waiting to happen I tried so so hard and can't even do a menial job I just make too many mistakes, now I have a huge gap in my CV what's the point.

 

[Bat 17]

I didn't finish university I couldn't, I wish I never went really, self medication is a common thing I think and probably better doing it with that than alcohol. It would be nice to find work like that but I'd get fired again I am positive, I'm too slow, I'm too clumsy, I'm too forgetful, too shy, too dumb. It is just another disappointment waiting to happen I tried so so hard and can't even do a menial job I just make too many mistakes, now I have a huge gap in my CV what's the point.

I get it. I hated my 20s. Felt like I didn't fit in, insecure, worried about the future, down on myself. Didn't think things would get better, but they did actually.

Looking at your posts, you write very well, expressively, and you make incisive points (I say this because I enjoy writing and reading). I struggle to believe you are dumb or incapable. What may be true is that you haven't found the right environment yet for you.

Ive got a big gap in my CV too from botched CTB attempt. You will find a way round it.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I get it. I hated my 20s. Felt like I didn't fit in, insecure, worried about the future, down on myself. Didn't think things would get better, but they did actually.

Looking at your posts, you write very well, expressively, and you make incisive points (I say this because I enjoy writing and reading). I struggle to believe you are dumb or incapable. What may be true is that you haven't found the right environment yet for you.

Ive got a big gap in my CV too from botched CTB attempt. You will find a way round it.

It is nice of you to say that I liked reading it . I am not so sure if it is true though but writing is fine, I can take my time and think as I type it, speaking is another matter entirely. That is one of the main problems being slow with responses not being able to answer simple questions in a normal way, it sucks, maybe it is some of the pills, I could do better at school but not now. I don't really get any practice either, becoming isolated is too easy, cutting people off. I can't just go back to them after 4 years and say "hi everyone" and expect it to be normal, I wish I never did it but I did and I behaved badly, tried to force myself to ctb by doing terrible things but I never got the courage up just ended up drunk and crying or arrested.

If you ever find a time machine please tell me and I will use it.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I'm not sure, I honestly can't get on with a single person but when I'm not depressed I do tend to think everyone else is an idiot, I honestly can't say and not sure I want to know.

but on another subject, autism or not I do tend to feel young girls can get treated badly, where they should be encouraged.