Autism/Aspergers and suicide: Inability to "Play the Game"?

[watchingthewheels]

I've never been formally diagnoses, but I've long suspected that I am on the autism spectrum; highly introverted and most likely on the Asperger's side of the spectrum. One thing that has led me to suicidal ideation, among other, is loneliness, combined with anger. Part of me feels rejected, but then, another part of me is the one doing the rejecting. That part is the "inability to play the game", whether in love, business, whatever. Everything seems based on Machiavellian scheming and manipulation...even in love. And I've put my heart on my sleeve, along with my beliefs and intentions, out of sheer naivete, to the point where that's been used against me once too often. Though I've wisened up, now, I still can't play the game, I can only defend myself. But I don't WANT to play the game, either. So while I do stick around in a sense out of defiance to that, it just makes me tired, at the same time. As I get older, it's a "War of Attrition", one that ultimately grinds me down.

People say they want honesty and truth, and openness, but do they? It reminds me of something I once read that really resonated:


"This may sound naive. But—is our life ever to have any reality? Are we ever going to live on the level? Or is life always to be something else, something different from what it should be? A real life, simple and sincere, and even naive, is the only life where all the potential grandeur and beauty of human existence can really be found. Are there real reasons for accepting the substitute, that which we have today? No one has shown today's life, as it really is, with its real meaning and its reasons. I'm going to show it. If it's not a pretty picture—well, what is the alternative?"

As I get older, I feel more and more that this world is dead-set against living "life on the level", and I don't want to play those games to get ahead, if that's what it takes. So then, the feeling of rejection becomes mutual; they reject me, and I reject them.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I'm the same mostly. You definitely sound autistic too fwiw. So very tired of it. I hope I die in my sleep tonight. Well written. Things really are a non-stop battle

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Everything seems based on Machiavellian scheming and manipulation...even in love.

So true. Even love, the one thing humanity is supposed to be good for, is all just based on lies and mind games.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I'm the same mostly. You definitely sound autistic too fwiw. So very tired of it. I hope I die in my sleep tonight. Well written. Things really are a non-stop battle

"William, lend me your hunting knife;
this house is hollow to defend.
My father led a dolorous life;
Never ask the end. "
-From A Lament from the Breton, Elinor Wylie

So true. Even love, the one thing humanity is supposed to be good for, is all just based on lies and mind games.

That point was cruelly brought home to me a few years ago, when I read my the police report of my father's suicide, and my mother's role in it. Shattered my conceptions of love, or, at least, the disconnect between what people claim when the say they love someone versus what they do.

 

[Wincombe00]

I resonate with this, nice work on articulating this point of view. Another belief of mine is that I (along with every person who has ever been born) never chose to be here; I don't want to be here, yet I have no painless option of leaving.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Thanks for the kind words on my explanation.

It sometimes reminds me of ENDER'S GAME, or WAR GAMES. "The only way to win is not to play."

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You sound autistic to me, but that's just my opinion as a fellow autist. The behaviors and social cues NTs take for granted are like an alien language to us. I can relate to what you've written about this all being a futile war of attrition.

Once you start realizing how people contradict themselves and say one thing, yet mean another, it is quite crushing and makes it hard to see people the same way. Not saying we autistics don't do this ourselves, we certainly do it to some extent. We are often honest in ways that aren't really valued or appropriate and then have to contradict ourselves socially to be palatable.

It is very disappointing. Especially when you come to the conclusion that most people are selfish and love is a chemical reaction that is often ephemeral and fleeting. Once you stop being useful, most people tend to leave you behind.

 

[lovelyheartz]

I read that people who are on the autism spectrum have a suicide rate that's 3x higher.

 

[Snake of Eden]

You put it beautifully. I am undiagnosed asperger's. I struggle with social settings and interactions even with my family. I relate to everything we say. It is sad that we have to endure a world that is not made for us. It is surprising that suicide rates arent even higher in our demographics than they already are

 

[FuneralCry]

I have been diagnosed with Autism since a young age. It is why I have always struggled with life. I lack the inability to cope with it. This world is made for neurotypical people. Sound sensitivity and communication problems are things I have struggled with the most.

 

[motel rooms]

Even love, the one thing humanity is supposed to be good for, is all just based on lies and mind games.

Even love? Especially love

 

[Latios]

"The only way to win is not to play."

Holy fuck, yes, I've often had this exact same thought about life.

 

[SuicideDJ]

Very well put. That is how I feel about life.

 

[Huntfish34]

Well said,. Couldn't agree with you Any more on this. Life is Just too much for the bullshit.. And I don't believe I have Asperger's or Autism either. . ( Maybe,. Idk ?)

The lies and Constant manipulation in this world make me want to just be Done and GONE.. Forever. -

 

[The Lonely]

Yeah, I discovered that my life has been a Truman Show which I just wanna leave…

(…) The 'world' he habits is merely an enormous set, and all the people he knows, even his wife and his best friend, are actors in "The Truman Show."

 

[sserafim]

I've never been formally diagnoses, but I've long suspected that I am on the autism spectrum; highly introverted and most likely on the Asperger's side of the spectrum. One thing that has led me to suicidal ideation, among other, is loneliness, combined with anger. Part of me feels rejected, but then, another part of me is the one doing the rejecting. That part is the "inability to play the game", whether in love, business, whatever. Everything seems based on Machiavellian scheming and manipulation...even in love. And I've put my heart on my sleeve, along with my beliefs and intentions, out of sheer naivete, to the point where that's been used against me once too often. Though I've wisened up, now, I still can't play the game, I can only defend myself. But I don't WANT to play the game, either. So while I do stick around in a sense out of defiance to that, it just makes me tired, at the same time. As I get older, it's a "War of Attrition", one that ultimately grinds me down.

People say they want honesty and truth, and openness, but do they? It reminds me of something I once read that really resonated:


"This may sound naive. But—is our life ever to have any reality? Are we ever going to live on the level? Or is life always to be something else, something different from what it should be? A real life, simple and sincere, and even naive, is the only life where all the potential grandeur and beauty of human existence can really be found. Are there real reasons for accepting the substitute, that which we have today? No one has shown today's life, as it really is, with its real meaning and its reasons. I'm going to show it. If it's not a pretty picture—well, what is the alternative?"

As I get older, I feel more and more that this world is dead-set against living "life on the level", and I don't want to play those games to get ahead, if that's what it takes. So then, the feeling of rejection becomes mutual; they reject me, and I reject them.

Personally I think that the whole game is just pointless and meaningless. I see no point in taking part in the capitalist rat race or the game of life.