ocdrowsy
Member
- Apr 30, 2023
- 26
I was diagnosed with autism about 2 years ago and I never went to any of the post-diagnostic support or read the report outcome they sent me. I am not sure why I think maybe I was scared and I didn't want or I was too focused on my studies or too depressed so many different reasons. Recently I went back into my emails and stumbled upon the diagnostic report and it made me spiral.
Everything they wrote in the report felt very validating, things that I do that I beat myself up about or I feel so insecure and horrible about, things about myself that I hate are things that are indicative of having Autism. I think back then I didn't believe and i wanted to hold on to the hope that I am normal like everyone else and that after university everything will be better.
One of these things is emotion, I feel like I have been very empathetic and sensitive to others people emotions but when it comes to mine I feel blank. In social situations I am looking to other people to try and copy their emotions, when watching media or playing games that should be evicting a certain emotion from me I feel nothing, whereas If I am with my friends or my family, they have so many reactions, so many things to say that just come so naturally to them and I feel like I have to force myself to be that way and it feels so fake and depletes my energy.
The other day I went out of my comfort zone and tried to hang out with somebody I liked, it was an okay time and he suggested that we biked to the train station. On the way to rent a bike, I remember he was talking to a stranger asking him for directions to the best pizza spot in the area. It just felt so human, so natural and so easy watching their conversation as an observer. I was asking myself is it really that easy, just to spark conversation and meet new people and talk to them, is it really that easy to connect? is it just a me problem? We ended up getting to the bikes and my problems with executive function showed, I was having trouble moving the bike but it turns out it cause I didn't pay, then i got on the bike and immediately crashed into my friend cause I wasn't aware of how quick and motorised they were, then i followed my friend down a street on the bike and crashed into bollards and broke the pedals and then proceeded to crash 3-4 more times until I had to tell him I couldn't ride on the road cause I was scared I would crash into a car or into someone. It was so embarassing, I felt like a child and it all came back to my autism. I have missed out on so much, so much of life I am missing because my brain can't connect. I feel so upset about everytime I have struggled in this life knowing my autism was a contributing factor of everything that has happened to me. I feel less than human, I feel so underdeveloped and left behind. Sometimes I feel like it's too late and I have messed up my chances to understand this part of me and still live a good and full life regardless of my autism and other mental health problems I have.
it contributes so much to my feeling of not belonging in this world. Even though I feel i was bullied and had adverse experiences at school it's still the most normal I have ever felt, having structure, close proximity to people I saw almost everyday, my autism and mental health was still such a struggle but I could just divert all of that into studying and doing my best at academics to feel I still had some worth. Now I am older all of that is gone, I am happy with how well I did academically but it doesn't mean much in terms of real life outside of the school system.
I just wish I could be normal, that I didn't have to pretend to be happy, to smile, to laugh. I wish they came naturally to me. I wish i could cry and shout and be angry and upset so people knew that I was struggling so much but I can't seem to do that either even though I am feelng such intense sadness in my heart. I just don't want to keep thinking about myself and how I don't belong here.
Everything they wrote in the report felt very validating, things that I do that I beat myself up about or I feel so insecure and horrible about, things about myself that I hate are things that are indicative of having Autism. I think back then I didn't believe and i wanted to hold on to the hope that I am normal like everyone else and that after university everything will be better.
One of these things is emotion, I feel like I have been very empathetic and sensitive to others people emotions but when it comes to mine I feel blank. In social situations I am looking to other people to try and copy their emotions, when watching media or playing games that should be evicting a certain emotion from me I feel nothing, whereas If I am with my friends or my family, they have so many reactions, so many things to say that just come so naturally to them and I feel like I have to force myself to be that way and it feels so fake and depletes my energy.
The other day I went out of my comfort zone and tried to hang out with somebody I liked, it was an okay time and he suggested that we biked to the train station. On the way to rent a bike, I remember he was talking to a stranger asking him for directions to the best pizza spot in the area. It just felt so human, so natural and so easy watching their conversation as an observer. I was asking myself is it really that easy, just to spark conversation and meet new people and talk to them, is it really that easy to connect? is it just a me problem? We ended up getting to the bikes and my problems with executive function showed, I was having trouble moving the bike but it turns out it cause I didn't pay, then i got on the bike and immediately crashed into my friend cause I wasn't aware of how quick and motorised they were, then i followed my friend down a street on the bike and crashed into bollards and broke the pedals and then proceeded to crash 3-4 more times until I had to tell him I couldn't ride on the road cause I was scared I would crash into a car or into someone. It was so embarassing, I felt like a child and it all came back to my autism. I have missed out on so much, so much of life I am missing because my brain can't connect. I feel so upset about everytime I have struggled in this life knowing my autism was a contributing factor of everything that has happened to me. I feel less than human, I feel so underdeveloped and left behind. Sometimes I feel like it's too late and I have messed up my chances to understand this part of me and still live a good and full life regardless of my autism and other mental health problems I have.
it contributes so much to my feeling of not belonging in this world. Even though I feel i was bullied and had adverse experiences at school it's still the most normal I have ever felt, having structure, close proximity to people I saw almost everyday, my autism and mental health was still such a struggle but I could just divert all of that into studying and doing my best at academics to feel I still had some worth. Now I am older all of that is gone, I am happy with how well I did academically but it doesn't mean much in terms of real life outside of the school system.
I just wish I could be normal, that I didn't have to pretend to be happy, to smile, to laugh. I wish they came naturally to me. I wish i could cry and shout and be angry and upset so people knew that I was struggling so much but I can't seem to do that either even though I am feelng such intense sadness in my heart. I just don't want to keep thinking about myself and how I don't belong here.
