depthss
On Friday, July 12th, 2024🪦
- Dec 12, 2023
- 44
I had a few friends, and while it did stress me out, constantly being worried that they secretly hated me or whatever, I still loved being around them
However, one of them had a few cigarettes missing, and another guy said he saw me take them. I didn't take them. But they were all pretty mad at me because they thought I did.
I don't think he lied intentionally, he's a saint lol, so I'm not mad at him. I think he just missaw, he made a mistake but he still spoke up because he thought he was doing the right thing. He's a good guy, that's what I think at least. And I'm not mad at the girl who thinks I stole from her either, I understand her perspective and why she thinks I did, I'm more just mad/ upset with how everything played out as a whole
I deleted/ deactived my Snapchat account, which is the main way I would talk to them. The only reason I got it was to talk to one of the girls anyways ( the one who thinks I stole from her)
Ive had a lot of reasons I've wanted to kill myself, not just this one thing. If this was the only problem I had, I wouldn't go this far, but the stress, losing them, and the lack of trust is just gonna be the final nail in the coffin.
I was gonna wait awhile, I had a lot I wanted to do. Ive always wanted to make a song, I had plans to buy a base and train vocals and stuff like that. I wanted to be fluent in another language, I wanted to make my own, I wanted to collect more vinyls, I wanted to own more band stuff, I wanted to get more into the things that interest me, I had books on grimoires and the golden dawn that I was saving up for. I'll regret never being able to do these things. I'll regret leaving my cat, darrbie. But that's all. I wish I got to experience these things and spend more time with my cat, for awhile, these things were all that kept me alive.
I have 35 .25mg klonopin pills; a bottle of vodka; 2 thc edibles that add up to 35g; Buscopan, which releases the hallucinogenic Scopolamine when you crush and smoke it; and these other pills I don't remember the name of lol.
If I don't overdose or something, I'll shoot myself. I found the key to my parents gun cabinet.
I've had a pretty good life, with some exceptions, I don't know why I always feel the way that I do.
I don't know if my parents were together or not when I was born, just that they were never married. If they were together at all, it ended quickly.
My mom was 24 or 25 when I was born, I think my dad was 48. I spent most of my time with my mom, she would bring me up to my dads, but he would never come down to visit. My sister, who I believe is a year or 2 older than my mom, would watch over me + her two kids, my dad was always too busy drinking with his buddies.
My 4th birthday was the last time I saw him, for 11 years after that I didn't know him or anybody on that side of the family
When I was 5, I made friends with this guy who terrified me, I only stuck around him because he would beat everyone up, especially the girls, and I didn't want him to hurt me. We were friends until I dropped out before 11th grade started. The entire time that I knew him, he terrified me. I only stuck around because he was genuinely insane and I just didn't want him to hurt me. I hated having to deal with him. It didn't matter if he was 5 or if he was 16, he always knew how to terrify me, and I don't even know if he ever knew I was so afraid of him.
I stopped attending school regularly in the 8th grade. I was fine the first few months, then I only went a few days out of the week, then I was barley going at all. During 9th grade, I only went a few days during the whole year. 10th grade was in between these two.
I don't know what was wrong with me, I felt miserable, empty, demotivated, and a lot of my beliefs made absolutely no sense. I struggled with basic hygiene, I was unhealthy in every way imaginable, I thought and acted weirdly.
My mother was also genuinely cruel during this time was well, especially when she found out I was suicidal. I don't even want to think about the way she acted. Sometime around 9th or 10th grade, I started doing a bit better, but had a newfound overwhelming anxiety that I couldn't cope with. I was always anxious, but this was unbearable. It, among other things, further kept me away from school
I'm currently in an adult basic education ( ABE ) program
i would drink a lot when I was 15, I don't think it was to the point of addiction, but I stopped after awhile. I also snorted the klonopin i was prescribed too. I did it in front of people ( omegle ) and obviously they would say weird shit, and get me to do weird shit. And I'd hear stuff like "you're the coolest 15 year old ever" from this one guy. Though, I did get a lot of laughs because I crushed the pills with a wall cross, so it wasn't all bad I guess
This one person made me talk even after the initial meeting on omegle. I gathered the courage to end it after a few weeks, but those were the worst, most stressful few weeks of my life
Shortly after, I reached out to my dad. I met the sister that looked after me, my other older sister on that side, her kids, and that's it. I guess I'll also regret never meeting my eldest sisters kids, because we would hang out all the time when she was looking after me, and I missed them for my entire life. They're both slightly older than me.
The last time I saw him was august of last year I believe.
I kind of recently got into contact with my old friend from 7th-8th grade, who introduced me to another old friend and her main friend group. I loved everything about her, I kind of went on a "health kick" the few years I was completely alone, so it was nice to just abandon that. She got me into smoking, weed, and we drank together as well. We broke into a church and tried to break into a gas station, my fondest memories, they only happened like a week ago.
I stole a few souvenirs from the church, she broke into places looking for money, I was just having fun. I got my first ( and last, I guess. I wanted more, maybe that's another regret ) tattoo from her mom. It's a harp.
It was nice to meet someone who matched my desire to truly not care about these types of things, even if we had some slight differences in our reasonings
I trusted her more than anyone, shocking due to the short length of time we've been friends again. And I thought that feeling was mutual, as she told me about a miscarriage from when she was either 15 or 16, and she said she only told a few people, she doesn't want it to get out. …so sorry I guess lol
So, she came into the room we were all hanging out in, asked who stole her cigarettes. We all waited outside, except for the guy who would go on to say it was me, he doesn't smoke so she let him stay in. She came out a few minutes later, angry, her anxiety pills were gone too. They ended up finding MOST of them in a makeup case, which leads me to believe they weren't misplaced, because how do you misplace some of your anxiety pills in a makeup case? Definitely on purpose. By who, I don't know. But they likely think it's me. Shitty. She comes out again, says this guy told her it was me. I go inside to talk to him, he was firm in his response. Adamant that he was "almost certain" I took them whenever I asked. However, I did not take them. I genuinely have no idea where they went. They searched all my stuff, all my bags, no trace. Obviously. But they still think it was me, just that I hid them somewhere
But I didn't have pockets, sleeves, or a bra, I didn't have anywhere to hide them. That purse is not quiet, it has a loud chain and it kinda snaps open, I know because it used to be mine. So, I wouldn't had to open the purse, open the cigarette box, take out 3, and put it all back. In front of 3 people, might I add. He said it happened in front of 3 people, the other 2 people say they didn't see anything. Which makes sense, because nothing happened. They were mad at me, she was certain I took it. I would go on, adamant it wasn't me, repeating it over and over again, but of course she wouldn't listen, why would she? A trustworthy guy told her otherwise. She even told me
" I don't care that you took them, you can keep them, just admit it." Obviously, I didn't "admit" anything, I didn't do it, and I'm not gonna lie like that, even if the stress/ anxiety was unbearable and made me want to
I don't really feel betrayed, but I feel like I should. Again, I don't think he was being malicious, I think he was just mistaken about what he saw. He's a good guy, and I don't hold that against him
So, that was a few days ago. One girl in the group messaged me on Facebook messenger to ask why I removed her from Snapchat, I explained that I just deactivated the acc, but aside from that, I haven't heard a word from any of them.
I don't wanna go back to having no friends, but even though I'm not MAD at them, im still upset about how things played out, and upset that she didn't trust me enough to even consider the possibility that I didn't do it, because clearly, she fully believed him. I don't wanna be around people who don't trust me, but im not mad. And I'll miss them. At least for 6 days
I'm thinking before I shoot myself, I reactivate my account just to tell them I missed them, and that I was grateful for the short time we got to spend together again. Truthfully, this is a good time to go out. Multiple years with no friends, completely alone, and then I'm quickly thrust into a few friend group where I already feel like I belong. Getting to experience such an amazing group of people, even if I was always scared they secretly hated me, is the best possible thing I could hope to achieve towards the end of my life, and I'm grateful, I would have it any other way.
I don't want to name names, and I don't know if any of them would ever read this, but if they are, they know who they are. The girl I stole cigarettes from, she's a great person, brave, confident, bold. She always stands her ground and defends the people she cares about. I was ecstatic when she agreed to hang out again, and apparently she was too, she used to talk about me all the time with her mom, who told me she cried when I messaged her.
Her sister, while I didn't know her for long and didn't speak much to her, also seemed like a great person. She seemed fun loving, happy, and like she really cares about her friends.
Her best friend, the one who wrote me on messenger, is also someone I didn't know long. But I thought her to be funny, and great to be around. I was always disappointed when she wasn't with the group for whatever reason
The boyfriend of the other girls sister has quickly become one of my favourite people. I found him very easy to talk to and to get along with, he was fun, but he also seemed to genuinely like the people he was around. He asked me if I was okay while I was being accused of stealing the cigarettes, probably because I seemed upset. He also snapped me a few times on the way back to my house. I don't know if a single person believed me, but if anyone did, it was probably him.
The boyfriend of the sisters best friend, I didn't know him well. But like the last guy, he was fun and easy to get along with
I'll miss all of them, they made the last of my life as good as it could possibly be, thank you
However, one of them had a few cigarettes missing, and another guy said he saw me take them. I didn't take them. But they were all pretty mad at me because they thought I did.
I don't think he lied intentionally, he's a saint lol, so I'm not mad at him. I think he just missaw, he made a mistake but he still spoke up because he thought he was doing the right thing. He's a good guy, that's what I think at least. And I'm not mad at the girl who thinks I stole from her either, I understand her perspective and why she thinks I did, I'm more just mad/ upset with how everything played out as a whole
I deleted/ deactived my Snapchat account, which is the main way I would talk to them. The only reason I got it was to talk to one of the girls anyways ( the one who thinks I stole from her)
Ive had a lot of reasons I've wanted to kill myself, not just this one thing. If this was the only problem I had, I wouldn't go this far, but the stress, losing them, and the lack of trust is just gonna be the final nail in the coffin.
I was gonna wait awhile, I had a lot I wanted to do. Ive always wanted to make a song, I had plans to buy a base and train vocals and stuff like that. I wanted to be fluent in another language, I wanted to make my own, I wanted to collect more vinyls, I wanted to own more band stuff, I wanted to get more into the things that interest me, I had books on grimoires and the golden dawn that I was saving up for. I'll regret never being able to do these things. I'll regret leaving my cat, darrbie. But that's all. I wish I got to experience these things and spend more time with my cat, for awhile, these things were all that kept me alive.
I have 35 .25mg klonopin pills; a bottle of vodka; 2 thc edibles that add up to 35g; Buscopan, which releases the hallucinogenic Scopolamine when you crush and smoke it; and these other pills I don't remember the name of lol.
If I don't overdose or something, I'll shoot myself. I found the key to my parents gun cabinet.
I've had a pretty good life, with some exceptions, I don't know why I always feel the way that I do.
I don't know if my parents were together or not when I was born, just that they were never married. If they were together at all, it ended quickly.
My mom was 24 or 25 when I was born, I think my dad was 48. I spent most of my time with my mom, she would bring me up to my dads, but he would never come down to visit. My sister, who I believe is a year or 2 older than my mom, would watch over me + her two kids, my dad was always too busy drinking with his buddies.
My 4th birthday was the last time I saw him, for 11 years after that I didn't know him or anybody on that side of the family
When I was 5, I made friends with this guy who terrified me, I only stuck around him because he would beat everyone up, especially the girls, and I didn't want him to hurt me. We were friends until I dropped out before 11th grade started. The entire time that I knew him, he terrified me. I only stuck around because he was genuinely insane and I just didn't want him to hurt me. I hated having to deal with him. It didn't matter if he was 5 or if he was 16, he always knew how to terrify me, and I don't even know if he ever knew I was so afraid of him.
I stopped attending school regularly in the 8th grade. I was fine the first few months, then I only went a few days out of the week, then I was barley going at all. During 9th grade, I only went a few days during the whole year. 10th grade was in between these two.
I don't know what was wrong with me, I felt miserable, empty, demotivated, and a lot of my beliefs made absolutely no sense. I struggled with basic hygiene, I was unhealthy in every way imaginable, I thought and acted weirdly.
My mother was also genuinely cruel during this time was well, especially when she found out I was suicidal. I don't even want to think about the way she acted. Sometime around 9th or 10th grade, I started doing a bit better, but had a newfound overwhelming anxiety that I couldn't cope with. I was always anxious, but this was unbearable. It, among other things, further kept me away from school
I'm currently in an adult basic education ( ABE ) program
i would drink a lot when I was 15, I don't think it was to the point of addiction, but I stopped after awhile. I also snorted the klonopin i was prescribed too. I did it in front of people ( omegle ) and obviously they would say weird shit, and get me to do weird shit. And I'd hear stuff like "you're the coolest 15 year old ever" from this one guy. Though, I did get a lot of laughs because I crushed the pills with a wall cross, so it wasn't all bad I guess
This one person made me talk even after the initial meeting on omegle. I gathered the courage to end it after a few weeks, but those were the worst, most stressful few weeks of my life
Shortly after, I reached out to my dad. I met the sister that looked after me, my other older sister on that side, her kids, and that's it. I guess I'll also regret never meeting my eldest sisters kids, because we would hang out all the time when she was looking after me, and I missed them for my entire life. They're both slightly older than me.
The last time I saw him was august of last year I believe.
I kind of recently got into contact with my old friend from 7th-8th grade, who introduced me to another old friend and her main friend group. I loved everything about her, I kind of went on a "health kick" the few years I was completely alone, so it was nice to just abandon that. She got me into smoking, weed, and we drank together as well. We broke into a church and tried to break into a gas station, my fondest memories, they only happened like a week ago.
I stole a few souvenirs from the church, she broke into places looking for money, I was just having fun. I got my first ( and last, I guess. I wanted more, maybe that's another regret ) tattoo from her mom. It's a harp.
It was nice to meet someone who matched my desire to truly not care about these types of things, even if we had some slight differences in our reasonings
I trusted her more than anyone, shocking due to the short length of time we've been friends again. And I thought that feeling was mutual, as she told me about a miscarriage from when she was either 15 or 16, and she said she only told a few people, she doesn't want it to get out. …so sorry I guess lol
So, she came into the room we were all hanging out in, asked who stole her cigarettes. We all waited outside, except for the guy who would go on to say it was me, he doesn't smoke so she let him stay in. She came out a few minutes later, angry, her anxiety pills were gone too. They ended up finding MOST of them in a makeup case, which leads me to believe they weren't misplaced, because how do you misplace some of your anxiety pills in a makeup case? Definitely on purpose. By who, I don't know. But they likely think it's me. Shitty. She comes out again, says this guy told her it was me. I go inside to talk to him, he was firm in his response. Adamant that he was "almost certain" I took them whenever I asked. However, I did not take them. I genuinely have no idea where they went. They searched all my stuff, all my bags, no trace. Obviously. But they still think it was me, just that I hid them somewhere
But I didn't have pockets, sleeves, or a bra, I didn't have anywhere to hide them. That purse is not quiet, it has a loud chain and it kinda snaps open, I know because it used to be mine. So, I wouldn't had to open the purse, open the cigarette box, take out 3, and put it all back. In front of 3 people, might I add. He said it happened in front of 3 people, the other 2 people say they didn't see anything. Which makes sense, because nothing happened. They were mad at me, she was certain I took it. I would go on, adamant it wasn't me, repeating it over and over again, but of course she wouldn't listen, why would she? A trustworthy guy told her otherwise. She even told me
" I don't care that you took them, you can keep them, just admit it." Obviously, I didn't "admit" anything, I didn't do it, and I'm not gonna lie like that, even if the stress/ anxiety was unbearable and made me want to
I don't really feel betrayed, but I feel like I should. Again, I don't think he was being malicious, I think he was just mistaken about what he saw. He's a good guy, and I don't hold that against him
So, that was a few days ago. One girl in the group messaged me on Facebook messenger to ask why I removed her from Snapchat, I explained that I just deactivated the acc, but aside from that, I haven't heard a word from any of them.
I don't wanna go back to having no friends, but even though I'm not MAD at them, im still upset about how things played out, and upset that she didn't trust me enough to even consider the possibility that I didn't do it, because clearly, she fully believed him. I don't wanna be around people who don't trust me, but im not mad. And I'll miss them. At least for 6 days
I'm thinking before I shoot myself, I reactivate my account just to tell them I missed them, and that I was grateful for the short time we got to spend together again. Truthfully, this is a good time to go out. Multiple years with no friends, completely alone, and then I'm quickly thrust into a few friend group where I already feel like I belong. Getting to experience such an amazing group of people, even if I was always scared they secretly hated me, is the best possible thing I could hope to achieve towards the end of my life, and I'm grateful, I would have it any other way.
I don't want to name names, and I don't know if any of them would ever read this, but if they are, they know who they are. The girl I stole cigarettes from, she's a great person, brave, confident, bold. She always stands her ground and defends the people she cares about. I was ecstatic when she agreed to hang out again, and apparently she was too, she used to talk about me all the time with her mom, who told me she cried when I messaged her.
Her sister, while I didn't know her for long and didn't speak much to her, also seemed like a great person. She seemed fun loving, happy, and like she really cares about her friends.
Her best friend, the one who wrote me on messenger, is also someone I didn't know long. But I thought her to be funny, and great to be around. I was always disappointed when she wasn't with the group for whatever reason
The boyfriend of the other girls sister has quickly become one of my favourite people. I found him very easy to talk to and to get along with, he was fun, but he also seemed to genuinely like the people he was around. He asked me if I was okay while I was being accused of stealing the cigarettes, probably because I seemed upset. He also snapped me a few times on the way back to my house. I don't know if a single person believed me, but if anyone did, it was probably him.
The boyfriend of the sisters best friend, I didn't know him well. But like the last guy, he was fun and easy to get along with
I'll miss all of them, they made the last of my life as good as it could possibly be, thank you
