Venting Attempted partial, then told everyone

[chronicallybroken]

hi al

I've been attempting partial this week but cannot overcome SI. In my desperation post-attempt I told people close to me, believing I would never CTB, I guess I thought "well I obviously can't succeed at this so I'll have to live and suffer". Unfortunately I told a lot of people, had the crisis team called on me (they never contacted me though…) and I fear I've taken away my option of ever being left alone to try again. As well as other implications for any future I may have - this doesn't look good for the career I am training for.

The reason I've been trying again (tried a few times in the past few years) is a relationship breakdown, so I'm in mountains of emotional pain that nobody can do anything about.

I guess I'm just venting. Constantly lurking through this website has been almost soothing for me making me think there's hope I can CTB someday. But really I want it to be asap. I am in the uk so unlikely to be able to get SN or N unfortunately. I always thought when the time came I could CTB with partial, I have got to the point where I start to feel like I'm going and I can see how it works! But SI has always got the better of me

 

[FML_]

I'm so sorry for you... Just remember that one day the pain of being alive will be gone. People truly don't understand what they do to somebody when they take away their chances of CTB'ing

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish that we lived in a world where our right to die is respected and we could exit in peace. It is unfair how others make suicide as difficult for us as possible. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Living really is painful and I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so desperate to leave. I have never attempted hanging personally as I fear it going wrong in some way. We have already suffered enough in life so we should not have to suffer in finding ways to exit. More than anything I wish that suicide is easier.

 

[chronicallybroken]

Been trying again. Cord snapped. Taking some time to regroup then will likely try again

 

[chronicallybroken]

I fell asleep. Not sure I will be able to try again today. Back to staring at this forum for distraction and research into methods. I want to try N2

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

hi al

I've been attempting partial this week but cannot overcome SI. In my desperation post-attempt I told people close to me, believing I would never CTB, I guess I thought "well I obviously can't succeed at this so I'll have to live and suffer". Unfortunately I told a lot of people, had the crisis team called on me (they never contacted me though…) and I fear I've taken away my option of ever being left alone to try again. As well as other implications for any future I may have - this doesn't look good for the career I am training for.

The reason I've been trying again (tried a few times in the past few years) is a relationship breakdown, so I'm in mountains of emotional pain that nobody can do anything about.

I guess I'm just venting. Constantly lurking through this website has been almost soothing for me making me think there's hope I can CTB someday. But really I want it to be asap. I am in the uk so unlikely to be able to get SN or N unfortunately. I always thought when the time came I could CTB with partial, I have got to the point where I start to feel like I'm going and I can see how it works! But SI has always got the better of me

don't worry about the crisis team - they don't give a fuck if they get in contact with you or not, or if you die or not - all they care about is that they tried once so they can tick their little box and keep their jobs

 

[chronicallybroken]

don't worry about the crisis team - they don't give a fuck if they get in contact with you or not, or if you die or not - all they care about is that they tried once so they can tick their little box and keep their jobs

That unfortunately was my experience. When they did finally DID get in contact they said they'd tried to call me last week and I said "I didn't get any calls and no missed calls, maybe it was my old number or something?" and I was firmly told that they phoned but I didn't pick up. It's a bit damning and not a good look especially as (if I survive this suicidal period) I'm training to be a MH nurse

 

[Yupyapyop]

So sorry to hear your going through some real tough times OP. It's tough to understand but I hope I give you some comfort when I say that I know what it feels like to be in pain.
I'm a fellow UK resident too. So I know what you mean about the crisis teams.
Well done on the MH nursing though! It takes alot of drive and you've obviously got something that others can recognise as they accepted you onto the course!

 

[chronicallybroken]

So sorry to hear your going through some real tough times OP. It's tough to understand but I hope I give you some comfort when I say that I know what it feels like to be in pain.
I'm a fellow UK resident too. So I know what you mean about the crisis teams.
Well done on the MH nursing though! It takes alot of drive and you've obviously got something that others can recognise as they accepted you onto the course!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you have also had to suffer.

Thanks! It was a lot of work to get onto the course and a lot of work now I'm on it. Hopefully will be worth it in the end

 

[Yupyapyop]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you have also had to suffer.

Thanks! It was a lot of work to get onto the course and a lot of work now I'm on it. Hopefully will be worth it in the end

Thank you for your kind words too!
I actually got enrolled on an adult nursing course last year too. It was hard work to get there, but also too much emotionally for me, so I had to leave it.

Always happy for you to drop a DM if you'd like to chat at any time. People say I'm a good listener and very patient (good nurse qualities to be fair!)

Take it easy though, you'll get through this!

 

[chronicallybroken]

Thank you for your kind words too!
I actually got enrolled on an adult nursing course last year too. It was hard work to get there, but also too much emotionally for me, so I had to leave it.

Always happy for you to drop a DM if you'd like to chat at any time. People say I'm a good listener and very patient (good nurse qualities to be fair!)

Take it easy though, you'll get through this!

Aw, that's a shame, I hope you were able to defer or get back onto it at some point - if you want to that is! Sometimes I think I should have sidestepped to adult nursing but the deed is done now

Likewise for the DMs! I've worked in mental healthcare for years so very little can shock me

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

That unfortunately was my experience. When they did finally DID get in contact they said they'd tried to call me last week and I said "I didn't get any calls and no missed calls, maybe it was my old number or something?" and I was firmly told that they phoned but I didn't pick up. It's a bit damning and not a good look especially as (if I survive this suicidal period) I'm training to be a MH nurse

same here - they told me they left voice mail and text, which they did not - they don't give a fuck about you or anyone else - they care about their NHS pensions and overtime and sitting in their air con office eating crisps and chocolate and making their big fat arses and big fat smug faces even fatter

 

[chronicallybroken]

same here - they told me they left voice mail and text, which they did not - they don't give a fuck about you or anyone else - they care about their NHS pensions and overtime and sitting in their air con office eating crisps and chocolate and making their big fat arses and big fat smug faces even fatter

I can definitely vouch for the fact my local crisis team doesn't have aircon brand new building, no air con. Lots of MH staff work super hard but I haven't worked directly with the crisis team so I can't speak for them

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

I can definitely vouch for the fact my local crisis team doesn't have aircon brand new building, no air con. Lots of MH staff work super hard but I haven't worked directly with the crisis team so I can't speak for them

they like to lie, and they don't seem to care about people, which is kinda weird if you go into a role like that - I've told them all many times my suicidal ideation is getting worse every day, and I have barbs, SN, amatrip, Oxy, and I'm getting ready to go, and they don't care - all they care about is if you plan to do it NOW, if not, then leave us alone

 

[chronicallybroken]

they like to lie, and they don't seem to care about people, which is kinda weird if you go into a role like that - I've told them all many times my suicidal ideation is getting worse every day, and I have barbs, SN, amatrip, Oxy, and I'm getting ready to go, and they don't care - all they care about is if you plan to do it NOW, if not, then leave us alone

Yeah, it really sucks. I can't pretend it doesn't. The vast majority of mental HCWs do genuinely care, but we are stretched so thin and paid so little, then there's physical/mental/emotional fatigue. I used to come home from work unable to really engage emotionally with the person/people I lived with. Plus the funding and service provisions, and money being wasted on stupid things... really, it's no wonder mental healthcare in this country is in the shitter and they can't help people like us who are I guess 'subthreshold', i.e. as you said, not planning to do it RIGHT NOW. :(

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

Yeah, it really sucks. I can't pretend it doesn't. The vast majority of mental HCWs do genuinely care, but we are stretched so thin and paid so little, then there's physical/mental/emotional fatigue. I used to come home from work unable to really engage emotionally with the person/people I lived with. Plus the funding and service provisions, and money being wasted on stupid things... really, it's no wonder mental healthcare in this country is in the shitter and they can't help people like us who are I guess 'subthreshold', i.e. as you said, not planning to do it RIGHT NOW. :(

I've had a bad experience with one main one, and I really hate her. She is a smug bitch, constantly talking using CBT methods, rather than just having a conversation with me. They blatantly lied that they had texted me and left me a voicemail, to protect themselves. And they phoned me once about something important and didn't try again, and I said 'once? that's the level of effort?', and she said, 'that's all we are required to do' - that attitude just left me so gobsmacked, almost frightened that this person, who thinks like that, is in this caring role, that vulnerable people's care is in her hands. She should get another job.

I'm so sick of talking to women too - I don't mean that in a 'sexist' or 'mysogonysitic' way, or whatever other buzzwords are currently popular - It would be so nice to sit down and talk to a man for once when I'm having some issues, but there are no men in mental healthcare!

 

[Yupyapyop]

I can definitely vouch for the fact my local crisis team doesn't have aircon brand new building, no air con. Lots of MH staff work super hard but I haven't worked directly with the crisis team so I can't speak for them

That was like the care home my grandma was in.... Brand new building, insulated to the max, but the flipping windows opened an inch and no air con

That architect was a sadist I tell you