Attempted partial hanging again I'm lost and in so much pain at the moment help

[Notme]

Last night my ex booked a hotel to have some time alone. I had massive nightmares of her been with some one else.
This is the third time now I've attempted partial hanging feel like my head was going to explode. I have kids and I know I should wait to ctb but it's become harder everyday to just function never mind been strong for my children which I love with all my being.
I'm so lost with everything and feel like I'm in a dark room with no light anymore.
What am I doing wrong with the partial hanging my does it feel like my head is going to explode.
I've reverted back to self harming again I havnt done this since I was in my early 20s. What am I doing to myself why have I gone to this again the pain feels nice again. The blood looks inviting to me. Why anni so fucked in the head.
Cry for help.
Sorry for spelling and grammar mistake I'm just a fat dyslexic who works all the time.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm sorry you're going through so much torment. I hope you can find support here with us.

My two cents (which are worth far less than that): your children have a gift in you, loving them as much as you do. I know you want them to be happy and healthy. I hope you can find here what you need to get strong enough so they don't have to go through the trauma and grief of losing a father as precious as you.

At the same time you need to know that this place is welcoming and we're all here for you.

 

[whywere]

I am so sorry for all the pain that you are going through. I do not know you BUT I feel for you and you have a wonderous gift of children. You love them and please think of how great it will be to watch them grow to adults and all of the proud and fun times with them. Heavens i am overweight and have depressiomn, borderline personality disorder and a few other issues, so I can relate to you. Here on sanctioned suicide you have a global family that cares about you. I wish you all the peace and love in the world and I am always here for you.

 

[Notme]

I'm sorry you're going through so much torment. I hope you can find support here with us.

My two cents (which are worth far less than that): your children have a gift in you, loving them as much as you do. I know you want them to be happy and healthy. I hope you can find here what you need to get strong enough so they don't have to go through the trauma and grief of losing a father as precious as you.

At the same time you need to know that this place is welcoming and we're all here for you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means alot to me. Thank you

I am so sorry for all the pain that you are going through. I do not know you BUT I feel for you and you have a wonderous gift of children. You love them and please think of how great it will be to watch them grow to adults and all of the proud and fun times with them. Heavens i am overweight and have depressiomn, borderline personality disorder and a few other issues, so I can relate to you. Here on sanctioned suicide you have a global family that cares about you. I wish you all the peace and love in the world and I am always here for you.

Amazing thank you for your support. It really does mean alot to me thank you so much.

 

[fastFWD]

about the hanging- when you are putting your head into the rope do you have something between the rope and neck, like a snug scarf on, that will additionally constrict during the process? i strongly believe there is a sweet spot when doing this as i have had no pain in my last 2 attempts and lights go out in like a second.
i would slightly lean into the rope and test to see how it felt (rope right in corner of top of neck/back of jaw right above Adam's apple), and i could feel myself losing consciousness fast as i leaned into this particular spot. the last attempt i was testing this and i didn't even have time to stop the test and i was out and hanging. i believe the scarf's extra constriction around the neck may be the key as it tightens when leaning into the rope. wearing a tight hooded jacket might work as well as it would probably constrict around the neck with the rope as well.

about your wife- all in all i really hope you feel better friend as it sounds like you had a major panic/anxiety attack and your emotions overtook you. now that this event has come to pass i would try to find a way to prevent it from happening again in the future (her leaving/your panic). hopefully you can sit down and talk with your wife; see if you can get her to open up to see if anything is bothering her. i would mention that you felt bad that she had to leave the house entirely just to get some alone time and that you would like to try and find a better solution moving forward. if any talk of trust comes up say that that is not the case at all as you trust and love her very much and that you just want her to be happy and comfortable while at home and that you want to know if there is anything that you can do or improve upon to ease any stress she might be experiencing. is it possible that this whole COVID-19 ordeal has spun routines up at home? some people also just really need time to themselves on a regular basis and perhaps recent changes that are happening might have upset a balance.

at the same time, if the above approach does not go over well or if she becomes very defensive and less talkative moving forward I might bring up marriage counseling or if all failed I would probably hire a private investigator or set up tracking software/hidden cameras just for closure purposes. not to sound crazy or anything but lets be real, cheating is unfortunately very common.

I am hoping for a happy turnaround for you and your wife but at the same time I seriously hope that your trust has not been misplaced.
good luck and keep us updated!

 

[Ghost2211]

I can Imagine how you feel. When my ex and I first split he did that "I just need to be alone (away from you), so I'm leaving the house for the night" stuff. It made me highly distressed too. its rough when there are kids involved. We become torn between love of our children, and emotional torment from the ex. It took me months to get even a little better when he did that and I knew for a fact he was hooking up.... I focused on the kids in order to carry on. It does get easier with time, a lot of time....

With partial you just Practice and find the sweet spot.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I can tell that you're going through a very difficult time and I'm so sorry to hear that. I also sense in you a severe lack of self-worth. I bet your children don't just see you as "just a fat dyslexic." You mention being consumed by the darkness. It sounds, though, that your children can be a light for you. You began your post talking about your ex, which makes me feel like that's a big part of your negative feelings about yourself. What are the positive things affecting your life these days? What's a happy memory you made with your kids recently?

 

[Notme]

about the hanging- when you are putting your head into the rope do you have something between the rope and neck, like a snug scarf on, that will additionally constrict during the process? i strongly believe there is a sweet spot when doing this as i have had no pain in my last 2 attempts and lights go out in like a second.
i would slightly lean into the rope and test to see how it felt (rope right in corner of top of neck/back of jaw right above Adam's apple), and i could feel myself losing consciousness fast as i leaned into this particular spot. the last attempt i was testing this and i didn't even have time to stop the test and i was out and hanging. i believe the scarf's extra constriction around the neck may be the key as it tightens when leaning into the rope. wearing a tight hooded jacket might work as well as it would probably constrict around the neck with the rope as well.

about your wife- all in all i really hope you feel better friend as it sounds like you had a major panic/anxiety attack and your emotions overtook you. now that this event has come to pass i would try to find a way to prevent it from happening again in the future (her leaving/your panic). hopefully you can sit down and talk with your wife; see if you can get her to open up to see if anything is bothering her. i would mention that you felt bad that she had to leave the house entirely just to get some alone time and that you would like to try and find a better solution moving forward. if any talk of trust comes up say that that is not the case at all as you trust and love her very much and that you just want her to be happy and comfortable while at home and that you want to know if there is anything that you can do or improve upon to ease any stress she might be experiencing. is it possible that this whole COVID-19 ordeal has spun routines up at home? some people also just really need time to themselves on a regular basis and perhaps recent changes that are happening might have upset a balance.

at the same time, if the above approach does not go over well or if she becomes very defensive and less talkative moving forward I might bring up marriage counseling or if all failed I would probably hire a private investigator or set up tracking software/hidden cameras just for closure purposes. not to sound crazy or anything but lets be real, cheating is unfortunately very common.

I am hoping for a happy turnaround for you and your wife but at the same time I seriously hope that your trust has not been misplaced.
good luck and keep us updated!

Thank you for your advice. Me and my ex try and talk but I just get met with the ice queen but yet she still wants hugs and some days talks about us sorting things out and then not I feel like I'm just up in the air all the time. I will keep trying.
I was not in a good state after the my brain went in to over drive.
Covid has been a massive impact on us.

Thank you so much for your advice it means alot to me thank you.

 

[Notme]

I can Imagine how you feel. When my ex and I first split he did that "I just need to be alone (away from you), so I'm leaving the house for the night" stuff. It made me highly distressed too. its rough when there are kids involved. We become torn between love of our children, and emotional torment from the ex. It took me months to get even a little better when he did that and I knew for a fact he was hooking up.... I focused on the kids in order to carry on. It does get easier with time, a lot of time....

With partial you just Practice and find the sweet spot.

Bless you thank you for sharing your story. It is rough when there's kids involved. This whole things destroying me. I have to put a front on all the time and it's just tiring.
Bless you if you ever need to chat I'm here for a chat.

 

[Ghost2211]

Bless you thank you for sharing your story. It is rough when there's kids involved. This whole things destroying me. I have to put a front on all the time and it's just tiring.
Bless you if you ever need to chat I'm here for a chat.

I'm here if you need to talk as well. It's easy to get lost in the pain an ex can cause. There is life beyond her even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Baby steps each day. I'm here if you want a friend