At the crossroads

[imjustanemptyshell]

Feel like im at the crossroads of getting better (?) or just continuing going down the drain. Honestly don't even know what getting better means for me anymore. Maybe a functional life. But is that even possible? Should I still pursue this hope? Is this just going to be futile? Or should I give it my all and make it my best chance at recovery. I honestly don't know. I really don't.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's most definitely your choice.
If you decide to try to be in recovery, I'd suggest that you will get help and support here, but yes, you first have to make that choice.
Q. Do you not attempt to succeed at something because you may fear it may be futile?

 

[imjustanemptyshell]

It's most definitely your choice.
If you decide to try to be in recovery, I'd suggest that you will get help and support here, but yes, you first have to make that choice.
Q. Do you not attempt to succeed at something because you may fear it may be futile?

To answer your question, I think I'm having a tough time making a choice about recovery because I don't know what's even possible for me. And even if I choose recovery, it will be a long and arduous one. I've been down the road of "recovery" before; trying to lead a functional life. But it went downhill soon after. I'm just tired of the constant up and downs that I'm just very weary now I guess. So yea, with regard to recovery, I think what's stopping me from trying is the fear of going downhill again.

Thanks for your reply by the way, really appreciate it:)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

And even if I choose recovery, it will be a long and arduous one.

It always is. You are not alone in that.

I think what's stopping me from trying is the fear of going downhill again.

There are never any guarantees and it's alright to be afraid of going down hill. Everyone who attempts anything can fail. It worries me too. It's not like you make the effort and it's 'job done,' it's a constant thing and in order to deal with that, it takes a realistic and relentless approach.
Fear is an awful thing, if it's uncontrolled it can kill everything. To control it you have to accept that it's justified and learn how to live with that fear. And that is often really difficult, especially if you are in a tough position.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

The fact that you're even *open* to taking the more difficult path for a worthy fulfilment might mean something positive?

Good luck.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Choosing recovery is difficult because you have to *keep* choosing to try to get better and you have to keep reminding yourself that you want it and why.

Being at that crossroads is really painful, isn't it?! I have found myself wishing I was suicidal again because it's just easier to know what to do. When you have hope though, you suddenly have something to lose!

Something my therapist says to me is that he can't guarantee that things will go well, and that if he *had* to give me a guarantee its that things will go wrong! I think its worth it though. If you can steel yourself to take those risks then it opens up the possibility for good things to happen.

 

[Silvermorning]

Being at that crossroads is really painful, isn't it?! I have found myself wishing I was suicidal again because it's just easier to know what to do. When you have hope though, you suddenly have something to lose!

So, so true, i dare say that after so many years , i have became somehow enamoured of my own sadness. Not taking any risks, giving in, to float over the ruins. of my past actions A self fulfilling prophecy. No bueno.