Venting Assisted suicide fantasy

[St. Ahithophel]

One of the reasons for my unhappiness is a breakup I went through. I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend and the breakup was 110% my fault. I was an all-round awful boyfriend. The regret is too much for me to handle. Ever since the breakup, I've dreamed about her often. She appears in my dreams and speaks to me. One night — a night I was going to attempt to cease to breathe — she appeared to me in a dream.

In the dream, I was about to cease to breathe in a rather gruesome way: self-immolation with olive oil. When she saw me trying to kill myself like this, she hurried to me. She collapsed down to her knees and begged me with desperation and bitter weeping, but she wasn't intelligible. After a few moments, she collected herself enough to be understandable. It turned out that, to my surprise, she wasn't begging me to not kill myself and get help or something like that, but instead she was begging me to die in a less gruesome way. This pierced me to the heart and I wept, too. She seemed to have gotten an idea, and so she left momentarily to go get something; she returned with her gun. She intended to shoot me. Before she did, though, she kissed me passionately for quite a while, and we cuddled for quite a while, too. I felt euphoria too heavenly to describe. After what felt like a half-hour, she loaded her gun, awarded me with one last tender kiss on the lips, and shot me. I died.

I did not attempt to cease breathing that morning. I felt that I couldn't. Fantasies like this won't stop haunting me. Is this sort of thing normal? Have any of you guys experienced anything like this? I feel that any suicide method I might execute is unsatisfactory if it's not assisted suicide from my ex in this very twisted, romantic kind of scenario. This fantasy is my current fixation.

 

[Lucc27]

One of the reasons for my unhappiness is a breakup I went through. I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend and the breakup was 110% my fault. I was an all-round awful boyfriend. The regret is too much for me to handle. Ever since the breakup, I've dreamed about her often. She appears in my dreams and speaks to me. One night — a night I was going to attempt to cease to breathe — she appeared to me in a dream.

In the dream, I was about to cease to breathe in a rather gruesome way: self-immolation with olive oil. When she saw me trying to kill myself like this, she hurried to me. She collapsed down to her knees and begged me with desperation and bitter weeping, but she wasn't intelligible. After a few moments, she collected herself enough to be understandable. It turned out that, to my surprise, she wasn't begging me to not kill myself and get help or something like that, but instead she was begging me to die in a less gruesome way. This pierced me to the heart and I wept, too. She seemed to have gotten an idea, and so she left momentarily to go get something; she returned with her gun. She intended to shoot me. Before she did, though, she kissed me passionately for quite a while, and we cuddled for quite a while, too. I felt euphoria too heavenly to describe. After what felt like a half-hour, she loaded her gun, awarded me with one last tender kiss on the lips, and shot me. I died.

I did not attempt to cease breathing that morning. I felt that I couldn't. Fantasies like this won't stop haunting me. Is this sort of thing normal? Have any of you guys experienced anything like this? I feel that any suicide method I might execute is unsatisfactory if it's not assisted suicide from my ex in this very twisted, romantic kind of scenario. This fantasy is my current fixation.

In the context of the weird dreams, to some extent, yes, I'm someone who doesn't dream often, and if I do, its not about the things that are troubling me/worrying me in life.
I have had multiple dreams in which my ex had apologized for the things she did to me, and how she wanted to fix things, makes things better, and get back together. but then I wake up with a pool of tears knowing that it will never happen. (this is a repeating dream might I add.)
I don't know if this is to late but I hope this helps.