Sulyya
Synergist
- Mar 6, 2023
- 534
No need to read, I just never vent.
Getting a real diagnosis as an adult (37m) is either expensive or a 2year+ wait, here in Ontario Canada at least. That said, my therapist, psychiatrist and someone else who had experience with it all independently clocked it, so I'm pretty convinced.
I've been socially awkward my whole life and only in past years have I corrected some of my strange behavior. People like me, but only those who sorta have to, like office colleagues and family. Friends too but I only really have three and that's too exhausting of a social circle in itself.
I managed an office job in my late 20s due to nepotism, and have maintained it since 2013 though I'm in constant anxiety because I'm often too depressed to do anything at all, and then I fall behind, getting more anxious and depressed.
All I really want in life is to be in love with someone and treat her like an angel, having kids or not. But it's apparently hopeless. A few months ago I had three dates with a woman who didn't care about my virginity, awkwardness and was really into me after the first date. After the third she said we can't keep seeing each other because I remind her too much of her ex, who also had autism and was traumatic in their breakup. I still miss her a lot and have a photo of us together in my phone.
Since then the only connection I made was through a hookup app, trying to hopefully get confidence by at least having sex. Was ghosted a lot and the one woman I did "hookup" with it didn't work. I blame this ED on my overthinking (is that autistic too, idk) and needing to be in love. I just met her that day. I since ended up liking her a lot as we just hung out as fwb, though the only benefits were one successful oral (for me) and one successful digital orgasm (for her). But we don't see each other much because she has her own struggles with mental health and her sleep schedule is inverted, so she's asleep when I'm free, if not busy with her friends. I'm also always paranoid she doesn't really want me around any more, because no women do.
I'm suicidal because of romantic loneliness, mixed with exhausting amount of socializing with everyone else, work friends or family. I don't know if this could be autism related as well since I'm not sure how it relates to empathy, but what makes me more depressed than it all is just the world. I hate that there is any sadness at all. When I just see another person passing by who's frowning at their phone or something then I can't stand it, imagining their loneliness and struggles, let alone all the people here who have terrible suffering and those in terrible situations in the world who are literally in captivity and torture every day. I can't really enjoy animal videos, the bread-and-butter answer for lifting mood because I just feel bad for animals too, for whatever various reasons.
My only connections on here have either been difficult for both of us, if not inappropriate even though I just want to help people. But I can't and shouldn't, because I'm too weird.
As many people say in their vents, I also feel bad because there are people who are homeless, have nothing and no one and aren't complaining like me. I'm too weak. That's really why I shouldn't be alive. When you sum up my issues here simply, it's having loving family/friends that I don't appreciate enough, meeting a couple women that it just didn't work with and being inept at attracting someone, and being a bad connection for people on a suicide forum who have bigger issues than me. Just pathetic.
Getting a real diagnosis as an adult (37m) is either expensive or a 2year+ wait, here in Ontario Canada at least. That said, my therapist, psychiatrist and someone else who had experience with it all independently clocked it, so I'm pretty convinced.
I've been socially awkward my whole life and only in past years have I corrected some of my strange behavior. People like me, but only those who sorta have to, like office colleagues and family. Friends too but I only really have three and that's too exhausting of a social circle in itself.
I managed an office job in my late 20s due to nepotism, and have maintained it since 2013 though I'm in constant anxiety because I'm often too depressed to do anything at all, and then I fall behind, getting more anxious and depressed.
All I really want in life is to be in love with someone and treat her like an angel, having kids or not. But it's apparently hopeless. A few months ago I had three dates with a woman who didn't care about my virginity, awkwardness and was really into me after the first date. After the third she said we can't keep seeing each other because I remind her too much of her ex, who also had autism and was traumatic in their breakup. I still miss her a lot and have a photo of us together in my phone.
Since then the only connection I made was through a hookup app, trying to hopefully get confidence by at least having sex. Was ghosted a lot and the one woman I did "hookup" with it didn't work. I blame this ED on my overthinking (is that autistic too, idk) and needing to be in love. I just met her that day. I since ended up liking her a lot as we just hung out as fwb, though the only benefits were one successful oral (for me) and one successful digital orgasm (for her). But we don't see each other much because she has her own struggles with mental health and her sleep schedule is inverted, so she's asleep when I'm free, if not busy with her friends. I'm also always paranoid she doesn't really want me around any more, because no women do.
I'm suicidal because of romantic loneliness, mixed with exhausting amount of socializing with everyone else, work friends or family. I don't know if this could be autism related as well since I'm not sure how it relates to empathy, but what makes me more depressed than it all is just the world. I hate that there is any sadness at all. When I just see another person passing by who's frowning at their phone or something then I can't stand it, imagining their loneliness and struggles, let alone all the people here who have terrible suffering and those in terrible situations in the world who are literally in captivity and torture every day. I can't really enjoy animal videos, the bread-and-butter answer for lifting mood because I just feel bad for animals too, for whatever various reasons.
My only connections on here have either been difficult for both of us, if not inappropriate even though I just want to help people. But I can't and shouldn't, because I'm too weird.
As many people say in their vents, I also feel bad because there are people who are homeless, have nothing and no one and aren't complaining like me. I'm too weak. That's really why I shouldn't be alive. When you sum up my issues here simply, it's having loving family/friends that I don't appreciate enough, meeting a couple women that it just didn't work with and being inept at attracting someone, and being a bad connection for people on a suicide forum who have bigger issues than me. Just pathetic.
