Story Ashamed of being afraid to die

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Another one of those strange dreams. I was nearing the end of my life. On what I thought was my last day, I lay down for a nap on a stretch of beach. I wanted to be carried off by the waves to the great unknown. To my dismay however, I woke up in the frozen in fear, in the middle of the ocean. Even though my days were numbered, I wasn't ready to die. A split second later I found myself back at home, only passing two days later.

Fear is the only reason why I'm still here. I aborted two previous attempts, having broken down in tears for reasons I wish I knew. Needless to say, I'm afraid of botching an attempt and ending up worse off than I am. Not only that, but I will also have to live out the remainder or my life weighed down by guilt and shame, shunned and scorned by the community. I can't bear the thought of leaving on my loved ones wounds that will never heal. It is my obligation. Whether I live or not, whatever impressions they once had of a good daughter and sister will be irreparably sullied.

To me, life is hardly worth living when there is nothing to gain nor lose. A struggle for what, and at what cost? Much to my annoyance, trying to reason with that inner child has been to no avail. You will fall on deaf ears in its obstinate refusal to capitulate to adversity. Whether you are rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, young or old, death comes to all of us. It is, after all, the only constant in a life of ebbs and flows. So why then, do we fear the Reaper? Self-preservation is like malware encoded in into the very fabric of our existence by our cosmic slave-masters, a paradoxical slap in the face of an unwilling soul.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so difficult to leave this world. I don't actually fear being dead, I find the thought of that comforting but I do fear the method failing. That is what holds me back from attempting. I think that many people fear dying as after all this existence is all that they know, they cannot comprehend what it's like to be dead. Death really shouldn't be feared as it's inevitable for us all, as you said. Best wishes.

 

[whatevs]

Arthur Schopenhauer went as far as anyone I know (but I know so little!) when he conceived life as fear of death. Meaning, we are at a fundamental level made of an impulse or inertia that runs from death (and paradoxically TOWARDS death). There might be something even more essential or abstract behind it all but considering how the sexual instinct (which is the ambition to extend your life via offspring) and fear of death rule our lives it seems a safe bet to say Schopenhauer was onto something.

Though he acknowledged sometimes the impulse behind life can decide against life, override the programming by desiring to die. This is interesting as it seems to indicate that there's a certain inherent sweetness to existing that can be lost, and it was just this subtle pleasure that gave life its inherent appeal.

 

[odradek]

I'd say there's no shame in fearing a gruesome or botched death. Nor any shame in desiring death. But we're are the minority, the anomaly so I think we struggle with the best way to exit. I want to cause ripples, not waves.

I get that impulse that you described in your dream. For me it's more of a jolt of terror. I don't remember my dreams but alternatively there are times where my suicidal ideation strongly manifests when I'm in a dangerous position. Like walking on the side of a road with no side walk for example. I could jump in front of any car and take my chances and I follow this all through in my head and it leads to that flash of terror or panic. It's a very surreal feeling, lusting after death and being terrified of it in the same moment.

I don't know if this makes any sense but I understand how exhausting all that fear and shame is. It slowly crushes me day by day.

 

[Celerity]

Arthur Schopenhauer went as far as anyone I know (but I know so little!) when he conceived life as fear of death. Meaning, we are at a fundamental level made of an impulse or inertia that runs from death (and paradoxically TOWARDS death). There might be something even more essential or abstract behind it all but considering how the sexual instinct (which is the ambition to extend your life via offspring) and fear of death rule our lives it seems a safe bet to say Schopenhauer was onto something.

Though he acknowledged sometimes the impulse behind life can decide against life, override the programming by desiring to die. This is interesting as it seems to indicate that there's a certain inherent sweetness to existing that can be lost, and it was just this subtle pleasure that gave life its inherent appeal.

OG Schopenhauer, man. I don't agree with him on everything, but man did that miserable SOB have balls for telling it like it is. He is eminently quotable even a century and a half later.

As for OP, you shouldn't feel ashamed. It is part of being alive. I doubt any human being has lived without the fear of death at one time or another. I plan to kill myself someday and still find death horrifying. I think it's terrible that anything has to die at all.