If you're saying that killing yourself is a gift to make amends, I wonder...
Making amends is an effort to set things right that were knocked over.
I'm not sure how your death would set things right for another.
For instance, if someone had been physically abusive and violent with me, what I would want would be for them to take responsibility for their actions and strive to improve so that they would become a safe person. A bonus would be for them to apologize and ask how they could set things right for me, if at all possible. But for them to end their own life? If they had not done anything to improve and were still a danger to me or to others, then I'd feel relief. But I don't know that I would feel satisfied, because there was never justice, nor an effort on their part to reconcile with me or with the world.
Anyhow, that's just my perspective. Not trying to put anything on you. It's that I was troubled by your words and tried to engage with them.
I will say, I also wonder how much shame plays a role in your perspective. I've learned that shame has two messages: The first is, "You're not enough." If one overcomes that, then the message that follows is, "Who do you think you are?" But all humans make mistakes and errors, sometimes huge ones. ALL humans. Therefore, we are already enough. It's what we do with those things moving forward that helps us grow, develop, and mature. Shame isn't into that. Shame would rather we stay small, even become so small that we have to annihilate our own existence to accomplish it. Fuck shame. By virtue of having been born, each person has a right to exist and is inherently enough.
If we stay stuck in what we did, flagellating ourselves, we cannot move forward, apply the lessons and improve. All humans suffer and struggle, and in fact we need some of that just to survive. We have to have some stress, like exercise, or we atrophy and die. We cannot learn and master things without applying effort, which means most things don't come easily unless we have a natural talent. Much of our latent potential isn't revealed until we are tested.
Overcoming our mistakes can make us stronger and more capable for all the things life unexpectedly throws at us. Life is hard. And I bet it's just as hard for the people you're wanting to give the gift of your death by your own hand. I bet they've also done shitty things to other people, been self-absorbed, been unaware, been greedy or hateful or ignorant. Perhaps they did not deserve what you did, but humans do that. Personally, I value and therefore admire when someone overcomes their baser instincts, becomes more aware of others, and becomes a better fellow human.
Like Nelson Mandela -- he was a terrorist! Yet in prison he was influenced by a gift someone gave him, the Meditations of the Stoic Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, a journal he wrote to remind himself how to be and maintain being a better person. He was imperfect, too. And he didn't have to work to perfect himself, he was the most powerful man in the world. Mandela went on to a personal transformation that led to his participation in the non-violent end of apartheid rule. Would the world have been better if he had killed himself? Perhaps his victims would have been satisfied at the time, but it would not have undone what he'd already done, and his acts would not have been redeemed. His passion was the achievement of freedom from tyranny and oppression, and he went after it in a better and more effective way; I wonder what great needs or passions you may have been seeking to satisfy when you acted in error.
I'm conscious that I used the words "we" and "our" a lot, and you may not want to be included in those terms. I respect that. I have no desire to force anything on you. Just because I operate from these concepts doesn't mean that they are utterly right or applicable to all situations. I don't expect you to take on or work with any of my opinions or perspective, only if you choose to. And I don't mean to be nosey, I'm not pushing you to share anything personal, only offering different lenses through which to view yourself and your actions.
A final thought: all humans are vulnerable. When someone has the courage to face their vulnerability, and can accept their faults and imperfections, they have more self-compassion. Without compassion for ourselves, it is difficult if not impossible to have compassion for others.
Please, I hope you won't take any of what I've said as negation. I recognize you are in pain and you are suffering, and that is valid. I seek not to knock you down further, but to lend a hand to help you steady and get some balance, however I do not demand that you take it. I respect your autonomy and your right to figure things out for yourself.
